Survivor

Since I was a child I went through horrible abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, bullying, financial, threatened to be killed by my father and it continued until my adulthood. I am at the moment in a shelter for victims of domestic violence because of my parents. Those who should be your closest one and are most tightly connected by blood did me so much harm that I am no longer living.

When I was 8 or 9 I started developing anorexia. My body was too fat to me. But it is never about food, it's about deep suffering.I was also undiagnosed autistic and when I was 12,13 I started being suicidal and started cutting soon. Actually I was cutting myself for some time when I was like 5,6 with my sibling-because of traumas and my autism.

At 14 I was first time sitting in children psychiatrist's office. I was controlled by my father and mother. I grew up in morbid physical surrounding. My siblings were severely abused for years. Yet nobody came to help, cps, police...

I faked being better, nobody knew for my anorexia, only later few persons from school knew.I was threatened by psychiatrist at that time to be send in basical asylum for children if I don't stop cutting. In the end I ended up in that hell just 2 years after and I have traumas from there. That place is closed permanently or temporary but closed. I started having symptoms of #PTSD as a child but how could anyone notice when my abusers were closest family members and parents. And my growing in cultish "family" trapped me even more to say things and have clear look on what they do to me and my siblings.

I asked for help for anorexia first time when I was 16. It was start of nightmare of "treatments". Never treated for cause, only for consequences. I also started using hard drugs when I was 14. Alcohol was my closest love.I was planning my #Suicide for 4 years. When I was 18 I attempted and experienced clinical death.

That's just part of my hell history but I wanted to point out something.

I was hospitalised for anorexia in 2015. for zilionth time and I remember talking to my mother in one of her visits in such pain, distress "this is MY illness, nobody will take it away from me". Almost yelling and crying. Anorexia was and is only thing I have. Everything else was and is out of control and I found food, 20 years ago, as the only thing that I have choices with and control in my life in all chaos of traumas, abuse and stollen childhood, stollen femininity, stolen parts of me in rapes.

I am with two choices - to ask for help in one place or die.

I don't want to die but I don't want to recover anymore. I wanted that in past. Anorexia is only thing I have. In the end of the day only thing that is here is anorexia, I own it, I have it. It never leaves. It's like having Stockholm syndrome in some weird way.I left drugs and alcohol almost 8 years ago and never used again.

I also have my dog who isn't with me and I grieve that a lot. She cries because of me so much as my brother wrote me and since I recently started losing purpose for staying alive and started wishing to stop this suffering I only don't want to end everything because I don't want for my dog to suffer until she dies.

I am in a shelter for victims of abuse because of my parents and my rapists are walking free in the city. My life stopped even before I was born. I wasn't wanted, I was always one problem in others daily routine, I am their worst problem, I am problem which always had to be resolved.Only thing that keeps me alive is that I can't imagine my lovely dog to suffer because I no longer exist. I am in such suffering that I would say hell on earth is close to this.

I am like a ghost town, ruined to the end from wars and only one ghost exists there-my soul closed in ruins finding no peace, just existing and moving from holes to holes. It's so hard, it's painful physically.

I lost a friend because I am yoo much, became burden to others, too disabled, too much, too big (PERCEIVED) risk to be in relationship with. But I don't want it anymore nor anyone close to me because they will just worse my suffering and I have fear of being raped or abused by men.

I think I will die as a result of anorexia but my life wasn't filled with any worth. I know my parents don't love me. I know everything. But I live because I can't accept that my dog suffers if I off myself. She is my gold, love and everything. She grieves but no person ever spit a tear.

I'm still waiting courts so long with everything I reported. I am dying day by day and investigations as well as all law connected acting is so slow.

I am Catholic, I'm trying to bear suffering best I can, ask for justice and push for myself but I am unwell.

I am seeing one therapist for victims of sexual abuse but I am too destroyed and I don't believe in better life. Nobody can heal my heart and psyche which are ruined. Some things are impossible to repair.

#Anorexia #Rape #Abuse #Survivor #Loneliness #hurt #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

Well I'm sitting at the airport waiting to catch my first plane to DFW then onto Alaska!! I realized this week that this is my first vacation without my ex. We were together 26 years so as much as this is exciting, I am also feeling sad. I am deep into the trauma bond still even though I have been divorced for 7 months now. I know it takes time to heal and mourn the loss of my marriage, but you would think that after all he put me through, the emotional, verbal, financial, and in the end the physical abuse I wouldnt even care. It takes time to mend a broken heart. The thoughts of why I wasn't ever good enough, and only if I stayed longer he might of changed, but once he put his hands around my neck and choked me to the floor in front of our daughter I knew it was over. I also am very aware that if I stayed any longer I might not be here today.
I made the right choices to leave but man, moving on is hard. I still have contact with him and I still see him every week when I come back to the house to do laundry, see my kids, and see my little Yorkie pup that he bought me hoping that I might just stay. I traumatize myself every week over and over again. He even drove me to the airport this morning.
I know that what I am doing is prolonging moving on, but right now I guess I still like the pain. Again, it's the trauma bond I have with him.
I won't beat myself up for my choices, as this is a process that I am going through. It's a beautiful journey of self discovery and self-awareness. I am still grieving a huge loss but at the same time I am learning who I am.
One step at a time!

A month was yesterday since the end of a horrible traumatic period of my life, especially the last two years, with an extremely traumatic event, of losing a dear person to those who tormented me all this time. So how have I been doing since? I'm freed. It took time, but grateful to have nothing to do with these people again. And people can be saved only if they choose to. And I chose to.
And I am grateful to the amazing company I work for, And my coworkers. To my family And friends, to my activities. To you all for the support. And here is my #photodiary about the recovery.
1. To signify the end And also for security I painted my hair red. 2. My theology books. 3. My dance shoes 4. My town 5. My leotards And costumes 6. My pharmacy books 7. My sign of hope, the spider 8. My music instrument, 9. Part of my new tattoo.
#Trauma #Recovery #Gratitude #Survivor

I love my job! I am a Certified Peer Advocate and I get to deal with clients on a daily via phone to follow them on their recovery from substance abuse. However, I keep making small mistakes that have now added up to a possible termination. As much as I love my job I also am more of a face to face type of person. The phone doesn't give me that option. So I remembered that when God wants to remove something from your life he throws roadblocks till I make that decision. I work part time as I am on disability and I have been wanting to get a full time job for awhile now. Maybe these minor mistakes are the road blocks! So with the help of friends I am talking out about this situation. Making a pro and con list, and I am writing it on here for some feedback. This is how my recovery works for me today. I reach out to others. WOW! I have definitely come a long way in my healing journey!

#coping #Depression #Anxiety #BPD #schzo #Bipolar #ADHD #OCD #overwhelmed #Survivor

hey everyone.. just thought i would share some coping strategies and distractions you can use when feeling overwhelmed..

In the beginning when it first began. September 2022. Something had grabbed a hold of me & was having it merry way all up & through me. From head to toe & rapid pace. I could feel & see it but no one else claimed to either.

From the inside of my body out.

Talking bout really digging into my mental & standing firmly to my beliefs. Not allowing ANYONE TO DEHUMANIZE MY ESTEEM BEHIND THIS MEDICAL HORROR I WAS ACTUALLY LIVING.

I'm feeling so accomplished. I've never won anything in my entire life. So to win this, along with getting my poem published is huge for me. I'm turning my tragic story into a world of hope and inspiration. I'm finding my place in the world. I'm finally accomplishing my goal and my mission in life. I hope and pray by telling my story to the world that it's made a positive and significant difference to many lives around the world.

Coming from someone like myself, I have never believed in myself, nor did anyone in my childhood and teenage years. It was a very lonely feeling. I never knew my place in the world. But I didn't allow that to stop me. I kept pushing and pushing. I never gave up. And now look at me. I'm getting my story and all my hard work noticed, along with getting my poetry published and I won a poetry contest. So with that said, no matter what you've been through in life, never allow your past to define who you are. Keep believing in yourself! Don't allow what everyone else thinks of you to deter you from accomplishing your hopes and dreams in life!! Get your story out there and use it to impact lives all around the world.

I now know why God allowed such horrific things to happen to me. He knew and believed I would have the strength and courage to use my story as a way to help others, to be an inspiration to many around the world. He chose me. Yes granted what happened to me felt like I was living in hell but I rose above it, I used it for good. I always fall back on Romans 8:28 when I question why God allowed such horrific acts to fall upon me and defile my character and destroy my spirit. But when I read Romans 8:28, it makes complete sense. It says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

#Poetry #MentalHealth #Abuse #Survivor #strength #mystory