tired

My mom disapproves of my partner. My partner and I's relationship started as a sexual one. Whenever there is a hiccup or an argument between I open up to her about it and she tells me her point of view about the situation. Yes, I know the things I've opened up to my mom about our relationship are not okay and I apologized to him for everything. My mom is very protective of me, she does not want to see me get hurt, which I do get. She was very nice and welcoming to him, but when I told her about our relationship and the things that he was doing to hurt me her perspective of him changed drastically. She thinks that he is using me for sex and that he is not being intentional with what he wants. When I asked him if he was using me for sex, he said no, it's not about the sex. So, now, I don't know how to fix the problem between the two of them. I mean I love my mom so much and I don't want our relationship as mother and daughter to end, but then I love my partner, even though we may not be right for each other. I've asked him so many times if he would want me to talk to my mom and tell her how I feel about him, and he would say, no, it's okay you don't have to, I don't want you guys to have any confrontation, so I just left it alone. So, idk what else to do and I don't want him to feel that I am stringing him along, because I'm not. I told him time and time again if he feels the need that he can't take it anymore he is obligated to leave, I'm not going to hold him back from finding his happiness. Recently, we had a conversation and he said to me he wants us to be in a relationship, I had to pause for a minute to reflect and think about whether I am going into this relationship because of the desperation of wanting to be in love, or if I am going into this relationship with pure intentions and I do sometimes be thinking the same questions for him as well, because when I saw his message saying, “Let's start planning life and sex.”Immediately in my mind, I wanted to say, “I know that we both love each other and want to plan/build a life together, but I don’t want to hop into a relationship blindly because of the sexual chemistry we have. I want a relationship that is genuine and pure.” I never told him this, but it was something I wanted to write down to eventually tell it to him. While I took a step back and analyzed everything that had been going on, one thought came to mind, and it was that one night when we were on FaceTime with each other. It was a couple of weeks after when we had lost our precious angel. We were on the phone talking, he wanted to go downstairs for something, I was still on the phone with him, he sat down at the dining table with his big brother, they were talking about something, then one thing led to another, he asked me how far along was I in the pregnancy, I told him I was 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant, he turned to his brother and said, “Man, she’ll be looking after that baby by her dam self.” I said to myself, wow, did he just say that? And on top of that was laughing about it too. So, I played it off as if I didn’t hear what he just said, I didn’t bring it up to him because I didn’t want any confrontation with him. I was like you think you’re funny, saying that and laughing about it. You don’t understand the trauma, heartbreak, and pain I’ve been through. I don’t know how I should feel about this, to be honest.

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I feel like I just want to give up, honestly. My anxiety won’t leave me alone. I had a meltdown yesterday morning and felt like crap about society all day. I need those meds again. I have an appointment today with that luckily, I need them as soon as possible. Otherwise, I don’t know if I can take this anymore. I’m so sick of this damn world. Things have never gotten better ever since AI and AI “art” or crypto was a trend. At the same time, what if I feel the same thing even with those meds? Is there a point in anything anymore?

Magnesium doesn’t work at all for sleep as I kept having stress dreams from my trauma almost every damn day. I’m so sick of this.

I’m so sick of dealing with this shit. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m not welcome here in this damn world. Sometimes I wonder if I’m better off dead.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #neurodivergent #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #tired #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Trauma #Milddepression

I didn’t eat enough today. That was one of my goals. Five days in a row of eating enough and I’m going to miss day six.

It doesn’t help that the ala I added to my shakes makes them super gross. (I’m gonna need to go back to capsules.)

I did take all the probiotics I’m hoping will fix my dysbiosis. I did take the supplements I’m hoping with heal the nerve damage. And I drank the juice I’ve added to my diet for nutrients.

But I’m at half the number of shakes I’m supposed to drink today and I just want to go to give up and go to bed.

How do you eat enough when you’re almost never hungry? When even the one time a day when you are hungry, you’re not interested in food? Or when you usually really don’t want it. And when you do eat, you often get sick?

Eating enough is supposed to help you sleep better. I can’t sleep most nights. Really high cortisol.

I left off the idiopathic part and looked up “autonomic neuropathy,” and it’s either reversible/treatable or I’ll lose this battle in 6-9 years. I already feel like I’ve lost so much over the last year and I know there are people who have it worse than me.

I just could really use some support tonight. And maybe someone who would be willing to eat and sleep for me because I really need that. (Though I’m depressed too and the limited sleep I get is my only reprieve from reliving this same day over and over.)

I’m just so tired. And I’m tired of everything being so hard. And I’m tired of having to go through all this stuff alone. And not having anyone to talk to about it.

I’m tired of trying stuff that doesn’t work. Tired of spending hundreds to thousands of dollars on stuff that doesn’t fix what needs fixing. Tired of doctors not knowing what they’re doing. Tired of their bandaids. Tired of forcing myself to eat all day. Of not being able to sleep all night. I’m tired of my brain not working as well as it did even a year ago. Even six months ago. I’m tired of losing functionality in general. It feels like it’s happening so fast.

Two summers ago, I could be outside. Not anymore. It’s too hot. A year ago I was hiking regularly. A few months ago, I didn’t have to wonder if I’d be able to hike today. Now, it’s a question. I aspirate more. I sleep less. Part of my foot is numb now and I can feel the neuropathy all along my left side. I can’t always breathe. Sometimes for what seems like no reason. I have tachycardia that just started one day and never left. My hr jumps up to 120-155 for reason every day. And apparently drops down to like 55 when I’m awake. (But it’s average is in the 80s when I’m asleep.)

Eating has been hard for a long time but it’s harder now. I get hungry like once, when I first wake up. I never really want food. I don’t remember it. I get hypoglycemic, but can’t tell because my hands don’t shake anymore, I just get tired. But I’m always tired, so I don’t know what to do with that. I can’t eat much real food. My body just won’t accept it. I have to thin out my shakes to trick my body into thinking it’s just a beverage. No need to reject this.

Tired of doing this all alone. Tired of people really not getting it.

I’m just really tired. Really overwhelmed. I could use a hug.

#Dysautonomia #AutonomicNeuropathy #NeedSupport #tired

I’m usually lucky 🍀 and sleep 😴 quite well but after a cold an hyper focus on my breathing 😮‍💨from a stuffy nose thankfully I’m over my cold now. But I still have that body protective thing I was doing where I was so focused on my breathing it’s a silly dumb anxiety thing but it’s like you forget to breathe and instead of doing it automatically you are doing it short ish sometimes focusing on the breath is said to calm you down in meditations spiritually but for me it’s the opposite. Any tips for getting to sleep, I’m trying to listen to calming music and affirmations but it’s not working as well as it usually would. I’m like half resting but conscious and if I sleep deeply like REM sleep it’s very little. Please help :( I feel so dumb and annoyed at myself. Sometimes even during the day I have that thing too like checking with myself with my breathing 😮‍💨 and it’s becoming an annoying new habit I just want to function normally and stop the silliness which I didn’t have this annoying thing until recently. It’s like yes my body is trying to protect me in its own way with anxiety but I don’t need this. #Anxiety #Breathing #dumb #Silly #Anxiety #shame #barriers #struggles #advice #themighty #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Support #help #Listener #Selfcompassion #feelingdumb #feelingsilly #Selfacceptance #confused #bodysymptoms #sensations #Hyperfocus #Meditation #tired #Insomnia

I’m so tired. It’s my body yes and my mind but it’s so much deeper. It’s my soul. My soul is tired. I feel everything all the time. I’m in a constant state of fight or flight and panic mode. Even when I’m feeling “good” I’m tired. It’s my go to word for- I don’t know how to explain this but I have nothing left to give right now.
Depression makes me tired and guilty. Anxiety makes me tired, my body, and my soul. It’s being constantly aware, constantly on edge, constantly guilty and ashamed and sad and panicky. I am just so damn tired. #Anxiety #tired #Guilt #sad

When some tells you they love you, do you ever wonder if they don't mean it?

#abandomentissues #tired

It has been a heck of a week so far. I am exhausted. I have had a doctors appointment every day this week and I had TWO today lol. Today I found out I have to have surgery and after that one possibly more. Ugh. I can't catch a break. (Lol) I had to come clean about cutting today. It's been a struggle. Hopefully my appointment free day tomorrow will go ok! I hope everyone is doing well!! xxx

#ent #tired #Selfharm

I had a #Stroke 5 years ago and when I woke up from my coma I had a #Migraine and I had it ever since. I’m just #tired of it.

Still fighting this flare up. Called Dr office again. Made appt for follow up on Wednesday. (earliest I can get in)Ordered me gabapentin to help in the meantime even though it will most likely not give me immediate relief, but it's something. Keep praying for me ya'll. I'm tired of hurting this bad. #Fibromyalgia #ChronicFatigue #ChronicPain #tired

Every morning I wake up and lately I have wanted to just scream and cry, but I can't. Do you ever feel like you are living the same day over and over again? It's like you wake up and think, "Seriously, didn't I just do this all yesterday?"

I imagine most non depressed/anxious individuals think or feel nothing when their alarm rings, and they proceed to start their day. My mother is one of them. She is awake and making breakfast at the same time early in the morning. She thrives on God, church, taking care of others and accomplishing her daily goals. She is happy inside of her bubble no matter what life throws at her.

I on the other hand feel doomed the minute I open my eyes. It's been a difficult 5 years. Before that, it was 10 years and before that I was hard at work in grad school.

Yes, that would make me about 38 years old. I also still live with my parents despite graduating top of my class in undergrad and doing everything in my power to live a relatively 'normal life'. You know, the American dream. The life with the house, car and 2.0.0.5 fur-babies. (Ok, they are fur babies in my book because I know I cannot handle children on top of my other various health conditions. I don't think any child or person should have to endure the hereditary suffering I have, but more on that later.) There is more to the story but let's just say there isn't a tsunami of crazy life that I have not encountered.

I wake up every morning already feeling the stress of the day not even knowing I am conscious. Lately, most days I wish I could sleep more, take a drive by myself or just watch Christmas movies bundled in a comfortable blanket. Some days I give myself permission to do this. Yoga and music are often another great escape during these stressful times.

However mostly, I have felt hopeless that life will continue to be me waking up to yesterday's issues. The rat race of life becomes faster and faster and I become slower and older.

In the words of "Jeezy" in one of his infamous songs "Soul Survivor" I find some comfort that I am not the only one living like this. I quote, "This ain't a rap song, n****, this is my life, And if the hood was a battlefield, then I'd earn stripes (Yeah)".

It's just another day. It's just another day, everyday, every morning.

#mentalhealth #Depression #Anxiety #hopelessness #struggle #tired #stressed #MentalIllness #Survivor #jeezy #soulsurvivor #americanlife #Normality