tired

Sooo I went back to the hair salon that I recently had a presyncope episode at. But this time I had an anxiety attack. I freaking threw up in the middle of the salon, I sweat through my clothes, and didn’t get my hair done again.

Can I get a break?
#Presyncope #ChronicIllness #NeurocardiogenicSyncope #Anxiety #tired

I have a vivid memory of a time not so long ago which birthed the bane of my existence. It was the end of a dreadful college day, nothing out of the ordinary, or so I thought. As I entered my college bus I had encountered an old friend of mine accompanied by her college companion. As my friend and I conversed for a moment, her friend had briefly interjected during which we had exchanged pleasantries. This was the beginning of the moment where something inside me shattered. She had told me that she had found me to be scary to which I felt rather insulted. Let me be abdundantly clear: we had never met before nor have I ever given her cause to think otherwise. I tend to bury myself in music, a fortress that keeps the harsh realities of this world at bay, drowning out the voices telling me I don't belong. Granted such a remark may be trivial, however I am no ordinary person.Paranoia follows my every waking moment, mistrust poisons my thoughts and self-consciousness remains a burden, heavy. I have accepted that I will only ever be labeled as a hideous monster, but this broke something inside of me. In that moment, I had come to the dull realisation that if an absolute stranger saw me to be something scary, this hideous thing, how dare I hold onto the hope of someone loving something like me. And the worst part is that I am afraid that she may be right. I see others experiencing a love that I will never know, and every time I am reminded that I will never look anything like those who have what I have always craved. That moment awakened something in me, an old warrior, scarred from battles old. I have walked through darkness, alone, for as long as I can remember and I have found comfort in my scars. Henceforth, I will forge a new path of my own, for the sole purpose of my survival in a world which will never see me as one of their own. I am my own monster and I shall do what is necessary to ensure my survival.

#Depression #ugly #tired #alone #survival

Over the course of my life, I have had to welcome in one of my harsh truths, one which serves to shatter my every waking moment. Throughout time, I have hopelessly searched for my sense of belonging in a world not of my own only to be met with silence, unreturned. I remain hopeless in my search, growing more tired as time passes me by. Maybe I was never meant for anything more, other than loneliness in a world I could never really call my own. So is it really even possible for me to be found where I don't even belong. Furthermore, being in college, surrounded by those who seem to have that which I crave so desperately, close friends and a love I have yet to experience, only serves as a constant reminder that I am not good enough to be seen or chosen. So, I distance myself from any possibility of my dreams coming into fruition so as to protect myself from that which i believe to be inevitable. Either everyone leaves or they don't give me a reason to stay. Is there no end to this madness? I guess we will never really know.

#lonewolf #Loneliness #Isolation #tired #Love #Loss #heartbreak

I am sure that many of us are no stranger to the silent trajedies of this life and the many battles that we must fight every single day. Such tragedies bring about a whisper of a permanent reprieve, one that seems the most comforting yet most difficult to welcome in. And so, it follows our every waking move, like a shadow under the scorching sun. It is truly disheartening that those who have left felt the same as we do, broken and alone, fighting a battle almost insurmountable. But that is the harsh reality of life, a double-edged sword, bestowing us with moments of joy and comfort only to be lost , or found.

#Suicide #Depression #tired #Hope #SuicideAwareness #MentalHealth

Hello there. Welcome to my mind's unkept thoughts. A disturbed sanctuary of pain, loneliness and struggles i have yet to share. I was born into a world which was not my own, alone, misunderstood, craving to be seen and chosen. Despite the trials and tribulations this life continues to offer me, i remain fighting a battle that serves to destroy me, leaving me scarred, broken, alone, tired, yet undefeated. This blog serves as my voice, my way of shedding light on the monsters within. To those fighting the battles which remain unspoken , know that you are never alone, as we all have monsters in our closets. We are the conquerors of our fate, the warriors to our minds battles and the survivors of our darkest moments.

#Depression #Anxiety #Loneliness #Pain #overthinking #Paranoia #Stress #tired #anger #lonewolf

Can anyone please tell me why God won't answer my prayers to not wake up to go through another day of crawling on my knees just to get to the end of the day and go back to sleep?
The only relief I get from the horror of living like this is to sleep.
Every night I pray that I don't wake up anymore 🙏, but every morning I wake up again anyway.
Just crawl on my knees just to make it through the day, impatient for night to come and go to sleep.
My life for the past 6 years has been pure terror because of doctors who refused to listen, letting the true cause of my health problem to just keep getting worse, along with all the symptoms I begged them to listen to .
The nerve damage is now permanent, and will never stop hurting.
The psychiatrist who forced me to remember being raped by a foster father got away with it because the State Medical Board of Ethics and Professional Services completed ignored everything I explained to them, and never even talked to me like I requested many times.
Her lawyer used my brain damage against me and told the State Medical Board that I just got everything mixed up and really don't remember what happened that day.
That day has been stuck in my head every day for the past 6 years because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and what she did.
My life ahead of me is simply fucked, and I wish it would end.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm tired of trying to hold on, knowing that things will never get better.
#PTSD
#Nightmares
#MentalHealth
#givingup
#Selfharm
#tired

feeling drained #tired #lonely