tired

I have a vivid memory of a time not so long ago which birthed the bane of my existence. It was the end of a dreadful college day, nothing out of the ordinary, or so I thought. As I entered my college bus I had encountered an old friend of mine accompanied by her college companion. As my friend and I conversed for a moment, her friend had briefly interjected during which we had exchanged pleasantries. This was the beginning of the moment where something inside me shattered. She had told me that she had found me to be scary to which I felt rather insulted. Let me be abdundantly clear: we had never met before nor have I ever given her cause to think otherwise. I tend to bury myself in music, a fortress that keeps the harsh realities of this world at bay, drowning out the voices telling me I don't belong. Granted such a remark may be trivial, however I am no ordinary person.Paranoia follows my every waking moment, mistrust poisons my thoughts and self-consciousness remains a burden, heavy. I have accepted that I will only ever be labeled as a hideous monster, but this broke something inside of me. In that moment, I had come to the dull realisation that if an absolute stranger saw me to be something scary, this hideous thing, how dare I hold onto the hope of someone loving something like me. And the worst part is that I am afraid that she may be right. I see others experiencing a love that I will never know, and every time I am reminded that I will never look anything like those who have what I have always craved. That moment awakened something in me, an old warrior, scarred from battles old. I have walked through darkness, alone, for as long as I can remember and I have found comfort in my scars. Henceforth, I will forge a new path of my own, for the sole purpose of my survival in a world which will never see me as one of their own. I am my own monster and I shall do what is necessary to ensure my survival.

#Depression #ugly #tired #alone #survival

Over the course of my life, I have had to welcome in one of my harsh truths, one which serves to shatter my every waking moment. Throughout time, I have hopelessly searched for my sense of belonging in a world not of my own only to be met with silence, unreturned. I remain hopeless in my search, growing more tired as time passes me by. Maybe I was never meant for anything more, other than loneliness in a world I could never really call my own. So is it really even possible for me to be found where I don't even belong. Furthermore, being in college, surrounded by those who seem to have that which I crave so desperately, close friends and a love I have yet to experience, only serves as a constant reminder that I am not good enough to be seen or chosen. So, I distance myself from any possibility of my dreams coming into fruition so as to protect myself from that which i believe to be inevitable. Either everyone leaves or they don't give me a reason to stay. Is there no end to this madness? I guess we will never really know.

#lonewolf #Loneliness #Isolation #tired #Love #Loss #heartbreak

I am sure that many of us are no stranger to the silent trajedies of this life and the many battles that we must fight every single day. Such tragedies bring about a whisper of a permanent reprieve, one that seems the most comforting yet most difficult to welcome in. And so, it follows our every waking move, like a shadow under the scorching sun. It is truly disheartening that those who have left felt the same as we do, broken and alone, fighting a battle almost insurmountable. But that is the harsh reality of life, a double-edged sword, bestowing us with moments of joy and comfort only to be lost , or found.

#Suicide #Depression #tired #Hope #SuicideAwareness #MentalHealth

Hello there. Welcome to my mind's unkept thoughts. A disturbed sanctuary of pain, loneliness and struggles i have yet to share. I was born into a world which was not my own, alone, misunderstood, craving to be seen and chosen. Despite the trials and tribulations this life continues to offer me, i remain fighting a battle that serves to destroy me, leaving me scarred, broken, alone, tired, yet undefeated. This blog serves as my voice, my way of shedding light on the monsters within. To those fighting the battles which remain unspoken , know that you are never alone, as we all have monsters in our closets. We are the conquerors of our fate, the warriors to our minds battles and the survivors of our darkest moments.

#Depression #Anxiety #Loneliness #Pain #overthinking #Paranoia #Stress #tired #anger #lonewolf

Can anyone please tell me why God won't answer my prayers to not wake up to go through another day of crawling on my knees just to get to the end of the day and go back to sleep?
The only relief I get from the horror of living like this is to sleep.
Every night I pray that I don't wake up anymore 🙏, but every morning I wake up again anyway.
Just crawl on my knees just to make it through the day, impatient for night to come and go to sleep.
My life for the past 6 years has been pure terror because of doctors who refused to listen, letting the true cause of my health problem to just keep getting worse, along with all the symptoms I begged them to listen to .
The nerve damage is now permanent, and will never stop hurting.
The psychiatrist who forced me to remember being raped by a foster father got away with it because the State Medical Board of Ethics and Professional Services completed ignored everything I explained to them, and never even talked to me like I requested many times.
Her lawyer used my brain damage against me and told the State Medical Board that I just got everything mixed up and really don't remember what happened that day.
That day has been stuck in my head every day for the past 6 years because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and what she did.
My life ahead of me is simply fucked, and I wish it would end.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm tired of trying to hold on, knowing that things will never get better.
#PTSD
#Nightmares
#MentalHealth
#givingup
#Selfharm
#tired

feeling drained #tired #lonely

My mom disapproves of my partner. My partner and I's relationship started as a sexual one. Whenever there is a hiccup or an argument between I open up to her about it and she tells me her point of view about the situation. Yes, I know the things I've opened up to my mom about our relationship are not okay and I apologized to him for everything. My mom is very protective of me, she does not want to see me get hurt, which I do get. She was very nice and welcoming to him, but when I told her about our relationship and the things that he was doing to hurt me her perspective of him changed drastically. She thinks that he is using me for sex and that he is not being intentional with what he wants. When I asked him if he was using me for sex, he said no, it's not about the sex. So, now, I don't know how to fix the problem between the two of them. I mean I love my mom so much and I don't want our relationship as mother and daughter to end, but then I love my partner, even though we may not be right for each other. I've asked him so many times if he would want me to talk to my mom and tell her how I feel about him, and he would say, no, it's okay you don't have to, I don't want you guys to have any confrontation, so I just left it alone. So, idk what else to do and I don't want him to feel that I am stringing him along, because I'm not. I told him time and time again if he feels the need that he can't take it anymore he is obligated to leave, I'm not going to hold him back from finding his happiness. Recently, we had a conversation and he said to me he wants us to be in a relationship, I had to pause for a minute to reflect and think about whether I am going into this relationship because of the desperation of wanting to be in love, or if I am going into this relationship with pure intentions and I do sometimes be thinking the same questions for him as well, because when I saw his message saying, “Let's start planning life and sex.”Immediately in my mind, I wanted to say, “I know that we both love each other and want to plan/build a life together, but I don’t want to hop into a relationship blindly because of the sexual chemistry we have. I want a relationship that is genuine and pure.” I never told him this, but it was something I wanted to write down to eventually tell it to him. While I took a step back and analyzed everything that had been going on, one thought came to mind, and it was that one night when we were on FaceTime with each other. It was a couple of weeks after when we had lost our precious angel. We were on the phone talking, he wanted to go downstairs for something, I was still on the phone with him, he sat down at the dining table with his big brother, they were talking about something, then one thing led to another, he asked me how far along was I in the pregnancy, I told him I was 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant, he turned to his brother and said, “Man, she’ll be looking after that baby by her dam self.” I said to myself, wow, did he just say that? And on top of that was laughing about it too. So, I played it off as if I didn’t hear what he just said, I didn’t bring it up to him because I didn’t want any confrontation with him. I was like you think you’re funny, saying that and laughing about it. You don’t understand the trauma, heartbreak, and pain I’ve been through. I don’t know how I should feel about this, to be honest.

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I feel like I just want to give up, honestly. My anxiety won’t leave me alone. I had a meltdown yesterday morning and felt like crap about society all day. I need those meds again. I have an appointment today with that luckily, I need them as soon as possible. Otherwise, I don’t know if I can take this anymore. I’m so sick of this damn world. Things have never gotten better ever since AI and AI “art” or crypto was a trend. At the same time, what if I feel the same thing even with those meds? Is there a point in anything anymore?

Magnesium doesn’t work at all for sleep as I kept having stress dreams from my trauma almost every damn day. I’m so sick of this.

I’m so sick of dealing with this shit. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m not welcome here in this damn world. Sometimes I wonder if I’m better off dead.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #neurodivergent #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #tired #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Trauma #Milddepression