Alcohol Abuse

So… I am kinda praying for the superior forces, the gods, whoever is able to, just give me and my boyfriend a break.
So very recently he got a new cat, or rather this new cat invited himself into my bf’s house. And today we discovered he has cancer.
I cried for a while in a room alone just to have some composure and be able to be a pillar of support to my boyfriend, be the shoulder he can cry on when he needs.
I asked the universe to please let me feel less tired, so I can be more of a use, to be able to not need so much rest and leave my bf hanging when he needs someone to support him, and I’m his main line of support because of some reasons.
Why did I title this post referring to a death spree?
Late 2021 to early 2022, his cat, that was so close to him, died of feline leukaemia.
2023 my cat who was almost 19 years old, just one and a half year younger than me at the time also died, and I fell into very severe depression relapsing almost to 0%.
2024 he lost both his grandmothers, and that also added more to worry as I was really worried of my MIL and FIL because they just lost their mums.
Also 2024 I lost a friend to pneumonia. Tho I’m young I have lots of older friends and she was over 60.
2025 about a month and a half my boyfriend lost his oldest cat that grew up with the one who died of feline leukaemia. She died of a cardiac arrest after having a second rectum prolapse and was in recovering from the surgery.

What kills me inside is that all of this is happening, we have no pause to pull ourselves together, both me and him are getting stuff happening that aren’t only our cats getting sick, one of mine didn’t die but she had to get emergency surgery for a ≈1 centimetre diameter stone on her bladder.

And worse is that he has an alcoholic dad and that makes me so sad, because my grandpa died out of liver cirrhosis due to alcohol abuse, and my friend’s father also died last year due to liver basically becoming non existent after so many years of alcohol. So I know his father is being a time bomb at this point. His mum wants so much for him but she doesn’t know how to express that and ends up being really harsh and that adds up a lot to his emotional. And as for me, I’m living in a toxic environment that I want to leave so badly but I just don’t have the money to go somewhere else and I’m doing so many stuff, from job hunting, to doctors appointments to blindness rehab that I’m just so tired all the time, I go to sleep at night tired, I wake up tired, and I have to basically suck it up because the world doesn’t stop regardless if I need time, if I need a pause, time doesn’t stop, and I’m forced to continue a fight I’m just overwhelmed of.

My psychologist asked me today if my case is Retinitis Pigmentosa, which 100% leaves with light perception only, couldn’t be that when I lose it all, the technology is better? And I had to reply with a big rant about how we are seeing an inversion of values, a regression, a war scenario. And I told her that yes, technology have the potential, but how can I trust humanity will seek it?

I’m really tired and I just don’t want to deal with more death. To some cats and dogs are only animals, to some, mourn for a pet is being fussy. To me? I mourn for my cat all the time and I cry so much sometimes because I remember her and I just miss her so much. I know people is born and dies everyday, people and pets, but it would be nice to just get some time to process, to mourn, to cry, and to stand up stronger rather than just stand up because there’s still a war to win, but the troubles’ army is made of thousands and we are just 2 people. How are we supposed to just get through it? I know we need, but I’m really tired.

Here’s a photo of my now deceased cat, so I can look at this post and remember her, not with grief, but with love.
I love and miss you Mabel…
And I also love and miss Miaki and Sophie.
I didn’t know you so much, but I hope you’re well in the afterlife grannies.
I hope you achieved your spiritual goal Lilly.

And I seriously hope that you can hold on for longer that anyone of us believe, FIL.

I’m getting there 👌💪👍
#MightyTogether #Addiction #AlcoholAbuse #AlcoholDependence #Alcoholism

Following on from yesterday’s post regarding my referral to a ‘Substance Abuse Therapy Centre’, here’s how it went…..
So appointment went well. They are not overly concerned about the drinking but they advised me to try and taper off the use of cocaine, if I can go cold turkey then fine, but if not then reduce my consumption bit by bit. Referring me for an ADHD assessment via my GP. Tested me for Hepatitis C and HIV so wait couple of weeks for the results. Generally speaking had a good chat with the girl, she was understanding and she listened which was refreshing. They’re going to liase with both my GP and Psychiatrist and give me the best possible support to kick these habits into touch 👌
#MentalHealth #MightyTogether #ADHD #AlcoholDependence #AlcoholAbuse #Alcoholism #Narcotics

Tomorrow I’m attending the Inspire Centre for therapy and assistance to help with my substance abuse issues. Here’s what I have written for them. If you have any suggestions or advice on what I’ve written, please let me know in the comments section below 👍

Last time I had a drink - 9th Sept.
Last time I took Cocaine - 9th Sept.

• Use was plain and simply an escape. An escape from the noise and chatter and chaos that I have to put up with 24/7. It might only have been for a couple of hours, but I needed it.

• It’s like my prescription drugs, that were working brilliantly, became less effective and the Bipolar was more prevalent causing this gap, a void that had to be filled, and I chose to fill it with alcohol and Cocaine.

• I know that my actions aren’t the best way to deal with it but I was just desperate. I know that mixing the two together forms Cocaethylene in the Liver, and this is Cardiotoxic.

• Without the Cocaine I wouldn’t have been able to write this explanation. My Bipolar medication robs me of my ability to express myself and explain my experiences in any way. It makes me numb. It’s a different numbness than that of what the Depression brings, but it is a numbness nonetheless.

• I don’t think I’ve got a substance abuse problem, but I’ve got a Mental Illness problem that isn’t being addressed. My meds worked well for a long time from when I started this combination. Slowly, I feel like the Bipolar chipped away at them and their ability to remedy the problem that the Bipolar caused, became less productive.

• After time, they (the medication) have become less effective, less efficient if you will. There is no cure for this illness but just a remedy to keep it manageable. I feel that they need reviewing and increasing where possible to avoid the dips in my recovery from this terrible affliction that consumes me relentlessly for every single minute of every single day.

• There is an onslaught of gaps in my psyche which are voids of emptiness that are being filled by the Bipolar and not the medication. It’s as though it has been setting me up to fall in its trap. Relentless in pursuit of finding a way in which impacts on me. It’s horrible.

#Addiction #Alcoholism #AlcoholAbuse #CocaineDependence #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #MentalHealth #MightyTogether

One of my adult sons just sent me this and I burst out crying because I can relate so much to every line myself.

My son and I are a lot alike. We both need other people in our lives to help us feel loved, validated and to recharge our emotional batteries. It is clearly a big ask for the people in our lives. We are not difficult or overly demanding, but we definitely struggle to feel secure and have inner peace. We think we were born into the wrong family because they find our chronic illness needs burdensome.

Honestly, probably anyone with chronic health problems, mental or physical, feels like a burden to their loved ones sometimes. I am here today to remind you that it is not your fault that you have this neverending challenge that requires extra support from others. Hear me? IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Sharing this beautiful paragraph brought my son and I closer, so I am giving it to all of you to use too.

Peace and Love.

#apathy #Anxiety #MentalHealth #AlcoholDependence #AmphetamineDependence #Addiction #AlcoholAbuse #ADHD #Caregiving #AnorexiaNervosa #AspergersSyndrome #Agoraphobia #Autism #Fibromyalgia #PTSD #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #BackPain #CeliacDisease #ChronicFatigue #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS