Alcohol Abuse

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    Resentment

    I am filled with so much anger and resentment for my emotionally absent mother. I thought I was over all this but I’m not. She has brain damage now due to decades of alcohol abuse and I’m excepted to care for her after she neglected me for the last 25 years. She was in the hospital for 2 months… she had a seizure while withdrawing from alcohol. My phone rang non stop. Doctors, nurses, social workers, hospice teams, aunts, uncles, cousins, brother, sister and father, all calling me about her health. She hasn’t been available to me for so long. She has abused me, neglected me and made me an outcast. I’ve felt unloved and rejected, scapegoated and cast aside. She even tired to keep me away from my father because of her own jealousy and warpped thinking. I hate that I’ve been infected with this poison. This disease called alcoholism. It wasn’t my choice, but I’m stuck with the effects of it. I am raging on the inside. Don’t ask me about her when she’s the reason I’ve hurt for so long. Don’t manopolize my time with bullshit questions and suggestions. Don’t you dear put more on me after I’ve had to bare the weight of her attacks, shame, and disregard for her own life all these years. #Depression #Anxiety

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    Awaking sober

    I woke up sober today and it feels good, I write it down here because I want to remember it.
    Also, midday sunlight doesn’t look so violent today and the wind smells good. Hope the day continues to be calm.
    One day at a time. #AlcoholAbuse #Autism #ADHD #ADHDInGirls #Anxiety #ChronicDepression #Selflove

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    Relapse

    I really understand how people relapse after quitting drinking. With everything live throws at you, it could be so easy to just drink it all away. Yes, I'm aware drinking doesn't cure anything. Yes, I'm aware it's a horrible coping mechanism that causes more problems. I'll be damned though, it sure does feel good while you're riding that wave.
    Recently I told my therapist that I could easily relapse, and he suggested I start going to AA meetings. I don't know about all that though, I'd rather torture myself with the ever looming doom of becoming a shell of a human again than to face the fact that I am shit at coping.
    #AlcoholAbuse #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder

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    #BipolarDisorder

    In bipolar disorder, the dramatic episodes of high and low moods do not follow a set pattern. Someone may feel the same mood state (depressed or manic) several times before switching to the opposite mood. These episodes can happen over a period of weeks, months, and sometimes even years.

    How severe it gets differs from person to person and can also change over time, becoming more or less severe.

    Symptoms of mania ("the highs"):

    Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement

    Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile

    Restlessness

    Rapid speech and poor concentration

    Increased energy and less need for sleep

    Unusually high sex drive

    Making grand and unrealistic plans

    Showing poor judgment

    Drug and alcohol abuse

    Becoming more impulsive

    Less need for sleep

    Less of an appetite

    Larger sense of self-confidence and well-being

    Being easily distracted

    You can refer to this:

    resiliens.com/resilify/program/cbt-for-bipolar-disorder

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    Alcoholic mother

    As my family and I struggle with this never ending cycle of my moms alcohol addiction, I dwell in the thought that I selfishly hoped something bad would happen to her. Something not terrible, but bad enough to help her wake up and realize she can’t do this anymore.

    Idk what that will take, as her previous scary episodes didn’t do much in the long run.

    Is it fucked up that I wish bad upon my own mother? I love her but I have so many ugly feelings towards her that I don’t know how to deal with anymore.
    #Addiction #Family #AlcoholAbuse

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    What’s worse than your mom refusing to detox? Pretending to detox :)

    Once again, I’m here to vent about my alcoholic mom. I’m not sure when these posts will end, but my hope seems to be running on low.

    I’m not sure what is left to be done at this point, if filming her intoxicated and showing her the next day how she was passed out in front of mine and my sisters room on a Monday night wasn’t enough. If her falling down the stairs and not remembering the next day wasn’t enough. If her being found unconscious beside her car at work, being brought to ER, being TOLD HER LIVER IS GOING TO START FAILING is not enough. What will be?

    She spent the following days sick in bed making it seem to her family that she was detoxing. Asking us to get her food, water etc. Yet, she was just drinking a lot less (kudos to her) with only wine. She wasn’t taking her meds, even when I asked if she was she would say yes. Everything came to the surface once again and it is clear she is not sober and never was.

    I have offered her my support, I have found countless programs and resources and brought them straight to her. I have given her a safe space to always be honest and talk to me. I know I am not the one who can truely fix this, but this can’t go on much longer???? How do I get her to finally accept help before it’s too late.

    #Addiction #AlcoholAbuse #Family

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    Day 1 w/o alcohol

    Decided it was time to start regaining my health, drinking was making me super anxious and was declining at work because of it. Just taking it one day at a time. #dualdiagnosis #Bipolar2Disorder #AlcoholDependence #AlcoholAbuse

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    My daughter's journey #chronic pain#Disability #Depression #Recovery warriors

    (Sorry this is long) This is my daughter Melinda. She arrived weighing in at 11 lbs. She loved music and at age 3, used a hairbrush as a microphone as she sang along with Patsy Cline on the radio. She loved animals and became a professional dog groomer. She married a wonderful man. They bought a home and fixed it up. Life seemed good. Almost too good.

    Melinda passed away of heart failure on Feb.1, a few short weeks ago. She was 41.
    Her heart failure was
    brought on by :
    pancreatitis weakening her body.
    Brought on by :
    7 hospitalizations for pancreatitis
    Brought on by:
    alcohol abuse to cope with her demons.
    Brought on by:
    panic attacks and anxiety.
    made worse by:
    COVID restrictions.
    which led her mind to:
    tell her that she was unworthy of anyone's love.

    She was our shining star. We all tried very hard but she refused our love. Yet she gave love. She tried therapy until things got tough then she'd always quit. She BSed her way thru rehab, refusing any aftercare. She was hurting deep inside and I knew that she was afraid of what she'd find. Then, the terrible phone call from her husband.
    I volunteered to call family and all of her friends. No One was surprised as they too, loved her and never gave up on her. But they were sad. Very sad.
    She was cremated because she told me that No One would come to her funeral. If she only knew...
    I picked up her ashes on my birthday. Happy birthday to me.
    My daughter entered this world to an extended family who loved her so much.
    She left defeated by alcohol and those voices that told her that she was worthless.
    Her friends call me and we share memories and tears
    Melinda, because of your love for animals, I hope you find Saint Francis. You can then sit amongst the animals he loved.

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    I poured out the last bottle — for good this time

    So that is the end of it (again). I’m tired of hiding, lying, spending money I really don’t have, feeling sick….none of these make drinking worth doing. I’m going to call my counselor tomorrow, we have an appointment on Wednesday but I’m hoping we can talk sooner.
    #AlcoholAbuse