toomuch

Bethinking when my biggest concern was that my mom wouldn't buy me the cute outfit I saw at the mall, or that I missed the newest episode of my favorite TV show. Contrastively, it all seems so frivolous and trivial. Now, I have to agonize over things like needing to get a feeding tube, being in the hospital for half of this past year for 2-3 weeks at a time, new diagnosises of incurable chronic disorders, and other things like that. I fret over medication side effects, having no energy and being looked at like it's laziness, not being able to do something as simple as taking a shower or doing laundry. People my age (30) fret about things like followers on social media and getting a raise at work, while I'm contemplating about whether or not to get a DNR and needing to going on disability. I long for the days where all that concerned me was extending my curfew or getting invited to the popular kid's party. They have an actual life, whereas I merely have a miserable existence. One of the hardest things about chronic issues is other people's perception of me. They call me "lucky" because I "get to" stay home instead if work, as if I'm playing a never-ending version of hooky. What they don't realize is how miserable it is to be feeling so sick and not being able to use work as a distraction; they think we should be grateful. It's almost funny how healthy people will go on vacation for a week and at the end, they say they need a "vacation from their vacation", yet they have no empathy for our situation. When they have the flu or something for like, a week, they are miserable by the end. They don't realize we feel sick like that (and then some) with no end in sight. No light at the end of the tunnel. Nobody who doesn't have chronic health problems are capable of understanding what it feels like to have your body attacking itself, with you caught up in the middle; we end up the only casualties in that particularly brutal war against itself. And the vicious cycle of medications that come with side effects, and then you need medications for them, which have side effects, and 'round and 'round it goes. I wish there was a magic solution for it, but there isn't one, and it's making me spiral out of control. People ask me why I don't believe in God; it's because I've begged him to intervene because I can't handle one more problem, but my miracle has yet to happen. I don't know how much more I can take. My mom had to call the paramedics a week ago, and they suspect I had a small stroke for the 2nd time this year, but I signed an AMA (against medical advice) and wouldn't go to the hospital, because if I do, I either end up being admitted and spending God knows how long there, or they find out I have some new problem and I'm at the point where I just don't even want to know if there is something else wrong with me. I was imprisoned in this body, and I just want out. Anywhere, that is where I'm at thus far.

So my accident cost my my mobility, my career and my house. 8 years of fighting though excruciating pain, learning to walk again, incompetent NHS (as a patient and employee) and crippling depression only to develop PTSD. The PTSD has now very nearly cost me my marriage.
Why keep going? What is the point? Fear of loosing everything is a symptom right? What happens when that comes true?
I am having the worst run of flashbacks and panic attacks right now I can't figure out how to fight on when my rock and best friend has had enough? #PTSD #PanicAttacks #toomuch

I’ve been putting on a brave face for the last few hours, but yeah, I’m not ok. On Sunday, I was in Victorville visiting my grandma that I haven’t seen in four years. She’s been mentally ill for as long as I could remember, but I found out that she is in stage 4 renal failure and possibly severe COPD. Because of those factors, her mental capacity is gradually declining. She didn’t even know who I was. Along with her history of undiagnosed paranoia schizophrenia, it has been a lot to process. I think I might have a headache for the next few days behind this. Gradually, I’ve become both sad and angry. I’m sad because of all that is happened and I know that at some point I’m going to be overwhelmed by this. I feel more inclusive to not talk to my friends about this because I believe that this is a level of grief that I am experiencing that I don’t think they will understand. The anger is pretty much from the same place. I’m angry about my current and past relationships with people. One of my long time friends can be emotionally draining to be around and I’ve had to put up boundaries. In hindsight, I’ve realized that a number of my friends in the past have put me in uncomfortable situations and I protected them every time. The last guy that I really liked busted my abandonment wound wide open over a year ago. I do feel pretty empty inside. I felt that since I’m some form of a “ warrior “, I’m supposed to survive no matter what and that I’m not supposed to be tired. Or that since some people see me as a “healer”, my empathy towards others is needed. I’ve had enough! I want to push everyone away at this point. This loneliness that I’m feeling feels permanent and the weight of it all is just too much. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Loneliness #familyhistory #toomuch

When it rains it pours. I am currently not stuck in a depressive episode but afraid I could go there. It’s too easy to slip, too familiar. It’s too natural to want to self-harm. Thinking of ecsaping this life forever comes too quickly.
Health problems, death in the family, spouse health problems, marital strife, a neuroatypical teenager that is afraid and ashamed, loss of a job… all in the last 2 months.
I was doing ok, surprisingly so, until this very moment. I’m tired. I’m at a loss. I’ve gone to very bad places in my mind in the past - I don’t want to go there again, not now. What if…
I don’t want to start spinning, spiraling down. I want to believe that my healthier coping skills, regular self-care, healing from meds and therapy will cushion me a bit. I don’t want to want to die. Depression has stolen so much from me, now is not the time for it to take more.
#NeedEncouragement

Just looking to swap some feelings or stories and fire up those different perspectives.
Trying so hard, but everything in life feeling so desperately elusive.
Anyone else up hopelessly toggling between denial and depression? #Jobloss #Fear #toomuch #Pain #hopelessness #whoami #BPD #panic #WhenThingsGoWrong #takingresponsibility #HeavyHeart

BIG Trigger warning.
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Today I am caught in a very polarized thought pattern where one part of me insists that the trauma never happened, and another genuinely wishes one of the perpetrators would have just killed me when he was done with me so I didn’t have to live this life of constantly fighting with myself and self doubt and questioning.

I am not going to kill myself. I have my “adopted” sister’s kids to think of, the older one is only 7 and she adores me and would not understand. The younger one is autistic and doesn’t speak much but he is starting to talk to me and he’s only 5 though very bright but he’d never understand either. I won’t do that to those kids. I won’t do that to any of my loved ones because my “adopted” Dad has already lost two family members to suicide. I lost a friend the same way many years ago and I’m still not over it and I’m not selfish enough to do that to the people I love.

I just wish I never existed. I am losing hope that it will ever get better with my CPTSD. What with having to get off perphenazine fast it is shaping up to be a very rough few months.