coping with anxiety

Today I am going to see some friends. I'm a bit worried about many things. But I've been working really hard to find ways to quietly accept myself and have fun anyway. Hopefully I will be able to keep my worries away. But if not, I know how to recharge and calm down. It's okay to be weird! And at least one of my friends will accept the strange sides of me.

There's still a lot that I am not ready for. I know my walls are too high and this sometimes makes me behave in odd ways. I am very nervous. I wish I had a therapist again. But I don't. And it'll be okay for now. #CopingWithAnxiety

I am constantly hyperfixating on people that I find attractive, give me attention, or celebrities/actors and their characters. I find myself stalking their social media and even have a private folder filled with pictures and videos of them because I can’t go to sleep without looking at their images. It’s such a burden and I feel absolutely crazy !!! Throughout the day I would literally have to look at these images to give myself a boost of energy and dopamine or I’d be depressed all day. With celebrities, I would watch hours on hours of their music videos, interviews, every movie or show they’ve ever been in, Instagram/tiktok edits… ALSO they become the main character in my dream scenarios. Don’t even get me started on how low I feel without having someone to fixate on. I guess it’s a coping mechanism because it truly takes my mind off of the problems in my life, but it makes it hard to focus on important things and no one should feel THIS dependent on someone they don’t or barely know. I’ve also recently heard about “love addiction” which is basically being addicted to recreating that new crush/honeymoon phase feeling because you seek the rush that it comes with but not being able to maintain a lasting commitment. I genuinely feel empty without that “new crush” feeling and the low spiral resembles that of a depressive low. I physically can’t care for myself or my surroundings (not showering, brushing teeth/hair, throwing away trash, cleaning in general) when my mind isn’t preoccupied with my current fixation. And it’s not on purpose, I just begin to feel like my entire life is falling apart because first my real life is in shambles and now my imaginary escape life is too? When I have no escape it’s almost like I can’t find peace in anything. Everything frustrates me. I’m unsure if what I’m describing can be categorized as something else or if it’s normal, or I really am crazy.

I have REALLY bad anxiety. I have abandonment anxiety, generalized anxiety, social anxiety and anxiety that produces such bad paranoia that I can't leave my bedroom. I've had all of these anxieties for as long as I can remember. However, I remember when I was around the age of 6 I started wearing rings because when I'm anxious, I fidget. Now, I'm 16 and wear anywhere between 5 and 14 rings (through out both hands) to make sure I always have something to fidget with, Not to mention the 5 bracelets(+), 3 hair ties(+), and 2 necklaces(+) I wear regularly. Is this bad? My last therapist told me it was a problem that I needed to work on. I never went back after she said that, but now I'm wondering if she was right...is it bad that I wear the jewelry to help??

#Anxiety

#Depression

#coping

#help

#question

#Therapy

#jewelry