familyhistory

I’ve been putting on a brave face for the last few hours, but yeah, I’m not ok. On Sunday, I was in Victorville visiting my grandma that I haven’t seen in four years. She’s been mentally ill for as long as I could remember, but I found out that she is in stage 4 renal failure and possibly severe COPD. Because of those factors, her mental capacity is gradually declining. She didn’t even know who I was. Along with her history of undiagnosed paranoia schizophrenia, it has been a lot to process. I think I might have a headache for the next few days behind this. Gradually, I’ve become both sad and angry. I’m sad because of all that is happened and I know that at some point I’m going to be overwhelmed by this. I feel more inclusive to not talk to my friends about this because I believe that this is a level of grief that I am experiencing that I don’t think they will understand. The anger is pretty much from the same place. I’m angry about my current and past relationships with people. One of my long time friends can be emotionally draining to be around and I’ve had to put up boundaries. In hindsight, I’ve realized that a number of my friends in the past have put me in uncomfortable situations and I protected them every time. The last guy that I really liked busted my abandonment wound wide open over a year ago. I do feel pretty empty inside. I felt that since I’m some form of a “ warrior “, I’m supposed to survive no matter what and that I’m not supposed to be tired. Or that since some people see me as a “healer”, my empathy towards others is needed. I’ve had enough! I want to push everyone away at this point. This loneliness that I’m feeling feels permanent and the weight of it all is just too much. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Loneliness #familyhistory #toomuch

MORE MYSTERY! So my predicted family tree finally loads.... Apparently I could have a 1st cousin once removed on my biological grandfather's side.... I honestly don't know much about his family or even him. I wish I could hire or find someone to help me uncover all these mysteries in my family but that's alot of money... I'm going to try to do some research maybe be able to connect with my apparent cousin but honestly I have been looking for years and I still don't have much information. Plus that's just part of my family not all other parts that are a mystery as well.

The last few days were a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings about myself. The way that I see myself (or my self image) literally changes whenever I hear a song or find a new interest in something, sometimes it can go to the right or to the left, good or bad. Then I was thinking about how I handle things from an emotional standpoint. I’ve been described as an “empath”, a “healer”, and that this is my “gift”. I’ve been told that I’m gifted all of my life, and with all honesty, I feel like this was something I didn’t ask for. Being sensitive in this way hurts. It actually does feel like a curse to feel this way. Some may look at this and say the opposite. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always felt different, I’ve always felt that I didn’t belong with my peers (and I don’t mean that I’m special in any way). I’ve felt that something was wrong with me in a way that I couldn’t put into words. I’ve never opened up about any of my feelings mainly because I feel like no one would really believe all of what goes on in my head. I will laugh and joke with you on the outside, but on the inside, things are dark. I make a lot of self deprecating comments about myself at times. I’ve always appreciate a level of darkness, but sometimes that same darkness can be a bad place to be in. In all of this, I know where a lot of things went wrong, especially in my childhood. Then there are also holes in my memory, but for the things I do remember, they are vivid. There are good things in the mix of this. There are people in my life that tried to raise me the best that they could with their bad background, and as I look back at my life as an adult, I feel like in some way I was ruined behind certain choices that were made, words that were said, and actions made. I love them still and I hold nothing against them. I’ve come to realize that I’ve grown into a complicated adult, trying to grasp why I feel the way that I do. #MentalHealth #Depression #Emotions #familyhistory #Gifted #darkthoughts #darkness #Selfimage #complicated #Thoughts #empath

I finally had my doctors appointment this morning. I decided before hand to be plain and honest about my mental health and said that I felt that I needed to be evaluated again. So I took the questionnaire they had, and well... I scored a low number for anxiety, and scored really high for depression. I knew I was depressed, but I didn’t think that it was really, really severe. I think it’s because I will just push myself through it even if things get really bad. After having a discussion about that and my family history with mental disorders with my doctor, I’m now going to see a psychologist and will be taking SSRIs. I now feel like my life has took a turn, and I’m not saying that it’s a negative thing, but I found myself thinking about my future. I started wondering that now I’ll be put on medication, will I be on it for years to come? Will I get off them? Then there’s the area of my social life. I’m not an open book by nature and by no means do I feel that my mental health should be kept a secret, but it’s about having to open about it and not feeling like someone is going to look at me a certain way because I’ve told them that I’m severely depressed even though I don’t look like it, or that I take medication, or that every once in a while I think about dying. Like I said, this day has opened up a door to healing, a level of fear, and a lot of questions, but I guess I have to start somewhere. #Depression #MentalHealth #psychologist #SSRI #familyhistory #severedepression #Medication #questions #Anxiety

After coming to realize that I do have abandonment issues, I feel that maybe there is a little bit more under the surface of why I do the things I do and why I feel the way that I feel. I did see a professional doctor for my mental health before, but I feel like I may need to get myself checked again. There is a history of mental illness on my mother’s side of the family and I’ve always felt that there was a possibility that I would end up with some form of mental illness. I do experience depression, but I do feel a need to dig deeper because I think that there’s more to it than that. #Depression #MentalHealth #familyhistory #mentalillnesses #mentalhealthcheck #FearOfAbandonment

Well, I made it throught the week. I don't post on here very often.  I'd had a check in with my psych on Thursday, and I  mentioned I'm not sleeping well because I have nerve pain in my right arm that I'm getting PT for. He asks if I'm taking a whole tablet of ambien, and I was only taking half.  Makes sense to do more if I'm in pain.  (DUH) Last night, I took the whole tablet, and I got 11 hours of deeper sleep!   No waking up at all.  Yay!  I was getting ready to go knit with a group, and when I got in the shower, I just started crying - ugly crying, as they say.  I stayed in and let the hot water soothe me, yet, now I'm not going to go knitting.  I don'tknow why things just burst then, and I don't need to know why.  Life can  be hard, and sometimes it catches up with me.  I still can't help wondering what the trigger was.  I feel like I'm now rendered usless for the day - with my teenagers, etc.  I feel so fragile now that something started to come out.  I know I had a talk with my 23 yr old last night, about how he feels about grandma/my mom.  He's not interested in a relationship with her and I can't blame him.  I understand how he views her efforts don't seem very genuine in getting to know him.  MOre of just what 'should' happen in family relationships.  So, as I do think he put things very well, and honestly.  It still hurts me, and I don't know if I quite feel 'responsible' or if it's part of letting go that makes me hurt, or jealousy that he gets it, and  isn't going to do anything with her because he doesn't want to waste the effort.  (such intelligence and insight)  I feel stuck because she is my mom, and I've chosen to have a relationship with her, with many boundaries, even though I usually am confused or disappointed after being with her.  I wish I didn't want her affection.  IT's difficult.  
So, with all the news we've gotten this week, teen situations, and decisions I've made.  I guess it sounds like a lot.  
Now I want to think of a way tosoothe myself that won't allow guilt to take over for not being very active with the kids. I'm grateful for my husband and I still hate this. #Anxiety #emotionalstress #ChronicPain
#CheckInWithMe #familyhistory

How do you support family members with depression?