violence

What is the difference between #anger vs #violence ?

From a toddler until i left my marriage and everywhere in between i experienced violence. My parents n step parents abused me physically, psychologically and emotionally. My dad denies his wife n he actually assaulted me from the 2 or 3 yrs of age. She would put me in hot baths, wake me up n put me outside n tell dad i was sleep walking. She told him i always called her an sl.t and one day dad flogged me. He blacked out.
My step father a so called Christian man who is now with wife number 5 would take his cowboy belt off n flog me from the age of 4 until 8. The belt had a steel buckle with a blue rhinestone in the middle. To this day he can still induce fear in my heart n cause anxiety the likes of which i have some control over but not enough when i see him. My mum the quintessential welfare worker. Preaching a good game at work only to return home drink, smoke pot, gamble n always in need of male company. The joke or not is that when she had male company my siblings n i were safe but after they left or she didnt get her way my sister and i were bashed with fists n whatever implement she could find. #denial #violence #2 faces. My sister n i fled as soon as we could. I married a women who was amazingly similar to mum. Physically, emotionally, verbally, financially abusive. # 6mths after we got married i had my 1st hospital admission n i would spend #24 .5 weeks in hospital in 18 mths. My treatment team which included nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists and 2 ward doctors recognised the signs of # Spousal abuse i lived with. They said i would either end up suiciding or yo yoing between home n hospital if i didnt leave. The positive to come of all of this is i left my wife, started a new life and have avoided abuse for 7 yrs.

On tomorrow I am afraid of the violence and hatred that are bound to explode all over the US

I'm a shy, anxious, overly-polite and self-conscious and avoidant person. I'm a people-pleaser and I struggle with being assertive. I hate to draw attention to myself and I never make waves. But since I was about 8 or 9 I've been experiencing what my mother called "rages" during which I become a completely different person, more like a wild animal. They only happen during very heated arguments (yelling, insults), first with my parents, then with boyfriends and now with my husband (but only those people, never in front of platonic friends/coworkers, etc..). At some point, I reach the limits of my self-control and become hateful and violent. I make threats and say the most utterly disgusting things I can think of. I kick and scream and pull out my hair and scratched my face. Many times they'll have the police pick me up and I spend some time in the ER for a psych eval or even be admitted to the psych ward. Then afterward I feel empty and dead, utterly ashamed and defeated, suicidal. Where does this come from? Am I really this evil and just hiding it until I can't anymore? I am having trouble connecting the person I think I am (and who everyone else thinks I am) with the monster that reveals itself when I'm in distress. Is this common? Does anyone else experience this as I've described it?#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anger #Rage #violence