alone

Well, you're always told repeatedly that if you need anything reach out. Well I tried to do that. And I was told that the world doesn't revolve around me. So there's that.
I lost my mother, and I've always put my friends and family first and was there for them when they mourned. But when something that traumatic happens to me, I literally am alone and then told to suck it up. Nice. I want my mom back, because this is truly unbelievable. #alone #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

This is another rant/ venting session

So Wednesday was a not great day for me
It did start off well
But then 2ish hours into my shift at work I get a text from my partner
I won’t go into detail about it but it made me feel horrible
I took my break because I felt the panic attack coming
At that time I felt so lost and confused and alone

****SIDENOTE: my partner and I only have one house key (he has it), we’re been staying outside of the city with his parents (because my dad is living in my apartment and we’re not speaking), and I work in the city
Logically
Going to my apartment in the city where I work would have been ideal
But not on good terms with my dad so it’s not a safe space and on top of that I don’t have a key to my own home ****

So back to it
I felt the panic attack coming while at work
I felt like I had no where to go
Couldn’t go to my apartment didn’t feel comfortable going to my partner’s parents house
I called my case manager and thank you universe for her because she’s been saving my life
I told her what was happening that I had no idea what to do or where to go
I just knew I couldn’t finish my shift
She guided me to ask my coworker to cover for me and we came to a light bulb idea of me reaching out to my friend and asking her to pick me up and stay the night with her

Honestly
I was at the point of
I think I’m just going to try to go to a women’s shelter if I couldn’t find a place to go
Thank goodness I have an amazing friend
She said of course and picked me up right away

Being with my friend that night really helped
She held so much space for me
Listened and gave advice without judgement
I feel so grateful for her

The next day
My friend worked from home that day and I did some research on the election that our province had going on
I stayed at her house until 5:30 ish
It was really important that I took her to go vote that day and she was so excited
The plan i guess was after she voted she would drive me to my partner’s parents house
This was about a 40 minute drive
I get dropped off around 6:20 ish
My plan from there was to go to vote with my partner in that city where we were

But because I don’t have id with an address of that city I would have had to go back to downtown when my address is to vote

****SIDENOTE: I also had a sleepover scheduled with one of my friends that night
They never gave me a set time of when I should come over but they do live downtown as well
So I could have voted and then gone to their place ****

So yeah
My id address is downtown
I’m outside of the city
My partner is being difficult and we get into a fight i guess
An important fact: my partner hates this friend that i was going to see and she’s not the biggest fan of him either

I end up not voting (i am very disappointed in myself)
And not going to see my friend
Instead i stayed at my inlaws, cried , and drank wine
A lot of contemplating if i can do life

I tell my friend that that day was just not my day, nothing went as planned, and that my brain feels like a mess. I did apologize many times

They’re response is very dry very much the energy of i am mad at you
Which i understand why she was mad
But then send me this

“Just next time we make plans. Pls don’t schedule in so many things. I understand you have a lot going on as well. But I’m also tired of making plans with you and being there only for them to be rescheduled every time. “
“It’s just getting to the point where I’m starting to not want to commit to our plans cause I already know they’re gonna be rescheduled. “
-my friend

This sends me into another spiral
Because of the day before with my panic attack everything after that just was not a real plan and so much felt out of my control

And the only time for the most part
When I’m in crisis mode is when people like my friend partner and parents have patience for me and are understanding

It’s just hard feeling alone and like everything is my fault even when it’s out of my control

#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #alone #storytime

#ctpsd #BPD #Trauma 👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽 Let's see if you could be me.I need you to imagine having borederline personality disorder and living in a world where nothing makes sense and you have very little understanding of the human race because you don't believe how people treat each other matches your internal content of what you believe to be right, just, moral. Also imagine you feel everything a thousand fold of the rest of the world and that not only do others hate you for it but you hate yourself for it too. Imagine growing up ostracized, neglected and never being socialized. Could you imagine the loneliness?Confusion?Fear of people? Living off of hope alone? Wondering if there's even 1 person on earth like you? Broken like you? 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

Could you imagine 37 years of people leaving you? Using you? Rejecting you without ever knowing why? Can you put yourself in my shoes of "existing with the pain" instead of living a life? 🧬 🧬 Doesn't sound so good does it? Being afraid of life because you don't know how to live it. Wanting the pain to stop but being afraid of death. Hoping that one day someone will meet you, actually see you and like or love you? The love you see everyone around recieve. Praying to a god you don't believe in per se so hard to send you an angel to save you because simply don't have anywhere to belong? A life always on the outside looking in? Regretting you were ever born? Never understanding "why"? Can you picture it? Comprehend the low quality of life?💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Now can you imagine how things could ever get worse? That a time would come where your past trauma's were a picnic compared to what life is about to put you through with zero warning of just how awful people can truly be? Blindsided completely. Targeted so intensively that you believed God must be real because he really did send you the "angel you prayed for?“🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Social phobia disorder, BPD and for f*** sakes now diagnosed with C-TPSD in adulthood is my story💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL TODAY IS TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET SO MUCH WORSE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW. SO BE GREATFUL FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO HAVE EVEN IF IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE MUCH IT COULD ALWAYS BE TAKEN FROM YOU 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 #kmn #why #Evil #dying #Loss #changed #nothingness #stolen #grooming #unfair #alone

That's how I went from living with BPD to something far far more painful.🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🥀🥀🥀HERE LIES THE ME I USED TO BE🥀🥀🥀

I believe we all live in the gray- there is no normal just perception. I allowed others to write my narrative for my entire life, reality hit me like a truck. Living w #MajorDepressiveDisorder is like the birds in the photo flying feverishly away from the storm on the horizon but regardless of how sunny the days are you are always aware of the storm on the horizon so you learn to fly in the in between as best as you can. Some days the #Anxiety alone of the storm can block the sunshine #alone #Drowning

We all have to remember this.

I will also “turn a light on” for each of us and we can all be a light for each other.

I can also switch on my my battery-operated, flameless, safe for my 2 kitties, candle for you.

#DistractMe #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #inspire #Inspiration #Selfharm #Grief #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #MightyTogether #youarenotalone #alone #Loneliness #TRDSupport #TreatmentresistantDepression #MentalHealth #BipolarDepression #MajorDepression #MDD #ChronicIllness #RecurringDepression #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder

It’s tough doing ALL of my medical care alone. Seeing a neurosurgeon again. Hoping for new technologies to treat painful spine opportunities #neurospinesurgeon #Scoliosis #Arthritis #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #sciatica #musclespasms #HerniatedDisc #DDD #BackPain