alone

I have a vivid memory of a time not so long ago which birthed the bane of my existence. It was the end of a dreadful college day, nothing out of the ordinary, or so I thought. As I entered my college bus I had encountered an old friend of mine accompanied by her college companion. As my friend and I conversed for a moment, her friend had briefly interjected during which we had exchanged pleasantries. This was the beginning of the moment where something inside me shattered. She had told me that she had found me to be scary to which I felt rather insulted. Let me be abdundantly clear: we had never met before nor have I ever given her cause to think otherwise. I tend to bury myself in music, a fortress that keeps the harsh realities of this world at bay, drowning out the voices telling me I don't belong. Granted such a remark may be trivial, however I am no ordinary person.Paranoia follows my every waking moment, mistrust poisons my thoughts and self-consciousness remains a burden, heavy. I have accepted that I will only ever be labeled as a hideous monster, but this broke something inside of me. In that moment, I had come to the dull realisation that if an absolute stranger saw me to be something scary, this hideous thing, how dare I hold onto the hope of someone loving something like me. And the worst part is that I am afraid that she may be right. I see others experiencing a love that I will never know, and every time I am reminded that I will never look anything like those who have what I have always craved. That moment awakened something in me, an old warrior, scarred from battles old. I have walked through darkness, alone, for as long as I can remember and I have found comfort in my scars. Henceforth, I will forge a new path of my own, for the sole purpose of my survival in a world which will never see me as one of their own. I am my own monster and I shall do what is necessary to ensure my survival.

#Depression #ugly #tired #alone #survival

I honestly dont know how much more life can possibly throw at me. My fiancé broke up with me, ended the tenancy so I ended up with 1 month to find somewhere, now in temp accommodation so far away from my support network and familiarites, council are being useless, new local council will take 4 months to sort Custom Domain by Bitly support, so likely will end up without food or in debt, unable to afford things to allow me have somewhat of a "normal" life (disability needs). And my ex and my step son (which he's apparently not anymore, known from 2- now 9), are off on holiday to Greece today! One min my ex seems like he stills cares and was saying he still loves me, then the next is saying his son isn't my step son anymore and ignoring/ avoiding me...its just messing with my head. I know in someways the break up was needed as he's avoidant AS and I'm anxious (moving to avoidant) AS. He's not interested in putting in the work, and I just feel like im not good enough or worth it. He says he knows he needs MH support, but I don't feel he'll ever actually seek support. Ive been seeing stuff on instagram about how if work is done, we can both become secure together
It makes me want to hold our hope and hopefully we can try again but also I want to become a secure AS myself and i know realistically i cant do that while still waiting for him, my mind is just so mixed, as i want both....I struggle with small changes, so all these changes just has my head spinning. Even how im reacting to the break up is different (been in counselling for four years) and I'm so confused by my reaction. I feel like I should be sat in a corner crying, but I'm just plodding along each day and feeling like im Masking. But I don't know how much more energy I have before I do break down. And im scared that I will break, as i really dont want too. But its also so confusing that im not and if i dont. Not necessarily asking for advice... just needed to write it all out.

#distractme#lifes little joys#gratitude#alone Picked my second lemon cucumber this afternoon -friday the 18th.

#grieving # empty #depressed#alone last few weeks have been pretty unmanageable for me. No Home care worker, lost another nurse, birth family crap.

I've called the Oregon Warmline many times in these weeks and months for 20 minutes chat with a peer.

I guess I’ll start with trigger warning
If you are someone who struggles with BPD related relationships, suicidal ideation, and relationships trauma which puts you in a not good mindset maybe don’t read this

So I guess I’m confused
Confused about how to feel
How to react
What to even say
So i guess this may be a rant a vent I’m not sure
My partner who struggles with BPD and potential DID and a Bipolar disorder
Has told me he has friend(s) who want us to break up
Im assuming this is because of whatever he shares with them
I did manage to bring it up to him just now
I’m not sure how the conversation started but I did share my thoughts about it finally
He said it was very honest of me
I told him that it was unfair of him to share that information with me
Especially because it was after I told him I’ve been extra depressed and suicidal lately
Personally I feel like that is an “off side” thing to tell your partner in general and just bad timing
Kind of something you keep to yourself and your friends i guess
Maybe I’m crazy for thinking that
I’m not sure it’s just my opinion
Anyways
He told me that it was someone in his system that told him that
But yesterday I overheard heard his conversation with someone saying “but I love her and you don’t leave when times get hard”
Something along those lines not verbatim
And I am jumping to conclusions maybe but i feel very sure that conversation was about me
In general i think that’s not an okay conversation to have infont of me especially if it’s about me
(I feel crazy and self absorbed writing about this)
Anyways
It’s hard for me to believe that it was just someone in his system telling him this and not a physical person in his life

This is just something that has been on my mind since he said it
How should I feel if he has friends telling him to leave me
I love my partner very much and have done basically everything in my control to be supportive of him
I mean in and out of hospitals
Reaching out to his best friends to check in on him
Tried my best to defend him when people in my life had something negative to say about him
Non verbal time
Bpd moments
psychosis episode
Much more
I just don’t feel heard or understood i guess
I feel like I try
All I’ve asked for resently is to be home for a little bit so I can decompress in my own safe space (we’ve been staying at his parents)
But even that has not been respected
I feel like if i could fill my cup just a little bit I could be a better partner
But I just haven’t gotten the opportunity to actually do it and constantly being shut down
I feel like I have no voice anymore
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDepression #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #alone #whatdoido

I just feel so empty and alone I don’t want to harm myself but I don’t want to keep waking up with this pain in my chest, mind racing, obsessing over things I can’t control . #alone #Depression #Addiction #Anxiety #MentalHealth