This is one particular moment that i’m not proud of but have the urge to share as 1 of my 2021 resolutions.
These past few months i’ve been dealing with this “situation” that makes me doubt myself or so I thought. The only silver lining that i can feel during the pandemic is finally I have the chance and permission to study abroad, even though the road to success kinda bumpy. Last September, i got my conditional acceptance letter, which means i need to submit my IELTS score before I continue. I was so sure that i’m gonna nailed it, so i studied and take prediction test for 3 times, first time i got 6 overall score, second times 6.5 overall score, and third times 7 overall score. I should be happy and take the real test, but nooooooooooo, apparently my brain and my heart has conflict of interest. You can say i was devastated for no reason, or maybe i thought i was better than that. I overthink the test, i feel like an imbecile, and the thought of taking the test scared me to death, what if i fail? It cost IDR 2,9 million or around USD 200 per test, that’s a lot of money that i can’t easily waste. Long story short, since i stalling my test, i have to defer my study. I have to wait for another 4 months to pursue my high school dreams. I’m scared of what the future have in store for me, what if i screwed up, what if it’s not how i think it will be, and other what if..
What if it’s all start as self doubt and grew as Self Sabotage?
What if I sabotage my own happiness so i won’t disappoint others?
What if . . . #SelfDoubt #selfsabotage #MentalHealth #DoubtingMyself