goodbye

I've found that writing farewell letters to people that have hurt me to me really healing. I never send them but I also say what I have to say. Just wanted to post about this to see if it will help anyone else. Hope it does. We are #MightyToether . #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAssault #Writing #Letters #goodbye

Good Morning ☀️
If I Poured My Destroyed Soul Into A Book , Would You Read It ??
It’s Been Two Years Since I Began My Journey Writing This Book And It All Started With 3 steps
When , where and How
When I’d take my own life
Where I’d take my own life
And … how I would Take My Own Life .
Please read my book on My Page 🥰no judgement needed . I appreciate you alll ! #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #ChronicPain #PostpartumSuicide #SuicideIdeation #BipolarDepression #Depression #Art #sad #Addiction #goodbye #Anxiety

Well, a terrible day. A terrible anxious little monster. Truly some of the most pain and self perpetuating fears I have ever had.

THAT being said, when I walked out the door (after a tasteful and thankful farewell from both sides) I felt so relieved.

A little worried it’s an entire facade of defense to numb myself through this epic failure. But, my heart does feel a little lighter. #Anxiety #Work #lastday #Pain #goodbye #KeepTruckin #panic #HopefulYet

I’ve been saying goodbyes. To the people I’ve worked for for 5 years, my ex’s parents (or so I had thought), and in a few days my colleagues. And next week, my home town (though I have already moved in, I am having to finish work up in my home town first).

I gave up the one-sided efforts with my ex. I finalised them on Monday, when I went to deliver him a letter. It explained that I couldn’t be his friend, with the reasons being things that were down to him. Because I couldn’t blame myself for any of it, and I explained the ways I tried to in the letter.

Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on the way you view it), my faith and my personality make me a very forgiving person. Add in the fact I’m supposed to be living with him, I was never exactly able to cut him off.

I had a message from E (my ex) after I left, which was more of an apology than the “sorry” I got in person. And he said he would do whatever it takes to make up for the wrong he did and the hurt he caused. I acted cold but he was insistent. So the next day I messaged him extending an olive branch, but I warned him that if things didn’t change that it was going to go back to what led to the letter. But so far, things are no different and I’m the only one bothering. I know it’s not fair of me to say that given it’s only been a few days, but from dating him I know him. I don’t believe things will change. But I’m giving him the opportunity all the same.

In other news, I’ve had other stuff going on.

I lost another 5 pounds. I’m back to the same weight I was 4 years ago, and it takes the total weight loss to 10 pounds in less than a month. It’s a lot to weight to lose to illness and depression (10% of my body weight). I’m hoping it is just that, but I guess I will find out when I have my blood test in a few weeks.

I haven’t heard back from ENT since I had my hearing test, so I called them today. Apparently they hadn’t passed on the results to the doctor that saw me, and it took me calling them for them to do that. So I have some extra waiting time now because of that, and also worry because I have been in this situation before and they’ve discharged me. Surely they shouldn’t this time with hearing loss though?

I’ve also been feeling really burnt out as of late. It feels like all I do is work, eat, sleep. I’ve just got to get through this week and things should be easier though, but then also busier so I can’t really win either way.

Anyway, here’s to hoping things will settle down soon. And I wish the same for anyone else who feels like they just have everything going on.

#Depression #MentalHealth #illness #WeightLoss #Ex #ent #HearingLoss #underweight #goodbye #moving #Forgiveness #Burnout #burntout #breakup

I was studying at a university in another country for a year and a half. Most of my classmates have now completed their degrees and almost everyone has returned to their home countries. One of my classmates made a big post on Facebook with fifty photos of all the good times we had as a class. Looking through the photos made me start crying, not so much because I miss it, but more because I just feel so detached from it. I know logically that I care about those people and that they care about me - we lived a lot of life together, laughed, cried, studied, traveled, and had so many new experiences. But I feel like none of it was even real and I just feel nothing. I'm tired of my life experiences feeling like they get sucked into a black hole.

#goodbye #GradSchool #Relationships #Friendship #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD

Early 20’s. A time to travel, socialise, drink heavily and go to work hungover. A time to have as much as much fun as humanly possible. All is forgiven in your early 20’s. Have sex with strangers, develop a nice drug habit, constantly update your wardrobe and pay no attention to weather forecast. Who cares? You’re in your early 20’s! Fall in love over and over and fall out of it. Find yourself.

Developing a chronic pain condition in your early 20’s takes away a lot of choices and a lot of freedom. I mean, you can’t exactly wake up hungover and go for brunch with your friends because it feels like you’ve been smacked down by the hand of God.

Having lived most of my life without chronic pain, I am deeply grieving the life I once had and the life I wanted. I wanted to be a film/TV producer, but the industry is completely inaccessible so along with some other dreams, there goes my biggest one. I am having to mourn.
In some ways I think I’m incredibly lucky to have lived a life without chronic pain at one point, but it also means that saying goodbye to my life is deeply hurtful. I have always been ambitious and to be totally honest, very money focused. I grew up working class and always wanted to be rich one day. I wanted to learn to dance. I wanted to backpack in America. I wanted to go camping at festivals.

These things I wanted, they’re still achievable. But much less realistic – chances are I’d spend one-night camping at a festival before I said, “f*** this” and went home because the sun is too loud in the day, the temperature at night has caused me to seize up and why the f*** are people shouting at 4am?! I can barely carry my handbag to work let alone an entire backpack with a weekend’s worth of shit in it.

There are a lot of goals I won’t give up on. I still want to travel and I’m still ambitious. But it is time to say goodbye to some dreams.

So, for now I’ll mourn the dance lessons I’ll never have, I’ll mourn the bands I’ll never see. I will mourn my younger self, and I will mourn the woman I wanted her to be. For now, I’ll miss myself. And I’ll forgive myself all the same.
#ChronicPain #Mourning #goodbye #firstpost

good bye mighties
I found this app for support, but I have had very little support. I am really struggling with my mental health, I’ve never fit in anywhere and I don’t fit in here either. cheers for all the support #CheckInWithMe #goodbye #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AnorexiaNervosa