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Is my mother manipulative? Or am I just anxious? #SocialAnxiety #Anxiety

Recently I have been thinking about this. I know it’s weird because why would a mother want to manipulate her daughter? Hopefully someone experienced in this will be able to give me some advice and hopefully this is not a trigger for anyone. This morning I had some minor dispute with my mother. After that I feel that she avoid talking to me. I still get my meals, but she did not talk to me at all, she wasn’t showing any unhappiness on her face, she was talking to everyone else and enjoying herself. This afternoon I cried while writing my journal. She walked in to ask if I wanted dinner. I shaked my head, I couldn’t speak from the crying. She walked out quickly, took her dinner and started watching a movie on the television. She should have saw me cry. I wonder whether she is trying to tell me that she will show any concern for me even if I am having an anxiety attack if I do anything that upsets her. Not the first time that she made me feel that way, and she react differently everytime I cry, sometimes she would show me concern but sometimes she just do this. She treats other family members the same way too. My father was unhappy that she have not been cooking dinner, and made a remark that she should be free to make dinner since she is a housewife. My mother made him cook dinner on Sundays, he have not cooked for years, and she would not tell him if she realise he is making some mistakes, when his dish turn out badly, she would seem happy and would use the chance to throw sarcasm at him. When my younger sister would not listen to her, she would ignore my younger sister and become friendly with me. Now that I think of it, I wonder whether my social anxiety developed under 26 years of manipulation. Is this manipulation? Or am I just too sensitive because of my social anxiety? What should I do? I feel scared at this thought, scared that I would find out that my mother is manipulative, also scared that I would realise I am just a failed daughter who don’t even trust her mother. Please help me, thank you.
#Depression #GAD #Adviceplease #help #Manipulative #Relationships #mother #MentalHealth


Is It Paranoia or Is It Really Bad?

I know I can be #Paranoid at times I also know I am living in a #Manipulative house... But I also am kind of sure I would be being #impulsive in leaving and staying out all night, sneaking back in here and pretending it was me going out to take photos in the morning... :|
In the past I could do this and I didn't feel uneasy about it, but tonight I have a very bad feeling about it...and I don't know why.
I have a feeling I am going to regret this but what part of it will make me regretful That I didn't get done what I know I should be getting done That I broke a record of staying away from a toxic person because I am worried about losing them even if from what other people say that would be the best thing to happen Our #relationship is not positive, I can't read a book, I can't do anything on my own; I have to do everything he does and nothing I want...and be happy about it. I don't know how to do that... And I am hoping I can manage to get out of, and back in, my house without raising flags because I am falling victim to this game, and can only hope it is going to be okay....


Uh A LOT of #random pieces of my ashamed & weird mind

First, I am going to use this site as a diary, I believe. So please, by no means should anyone feel forced to read my crap. I am scared to post, but there we are; my disclaimer. You've been warned! :)

Tonight I #Write trying to get back in touch with #whoiam after an extremely #Manipulative #Controlling degrading #AbusiveRelationship . More than 1 person warns me this could be dangerous I am battling both the fear that it will be dangerous but as twisted as it seems I think I may actually be more selfishly afraid that I'll be #Forgotten #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder 

I have been losing people all of my life and not one person has stayed even if they came back everyone has had to take a break. A few years ago I went to 7 different psychiatrists and specialists looking for help and LITERALLY everyone of them told me the same answer more or less but their is one answer to my #seekinghelp that will forever be embedded in my mind, word for word.
"You are too #Traumatized to help , " he said. That cut me so deep I still feel scared today that he was right. But I'm here. Trying to prove wrong this theory quiet a few doctors seem to think of when it comes to me.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 6 years old so most of my life none of them gave me hope just #pills that didn't do anything for it wasn't a chemical imbalance instead it was just about everything else out of balance and wrong in life causing my behaviors. But everyone was too busy #fighting or whatever else the case may be to ever realize just how badly all the #Rejection  #abandonment #SexualAssault
#violence"> #FosterCare #Adoption SUCKS ... 
At 4 I was #Cutting something I do not support in others but also do not judge in others for your life matters far more than mine I assure you... No one noticed. I've been #invisible since I can recall. 

And while the #Relationshipproblems I had recently are going away as I attempt to hide from him and ignore how it hurts I still feel that stupid #Child within me terrified I am gonna vanish because no one will ever love me again and 'bad' love surely is better than no #Love - this is #panic talking, I think... 
Oh I don't know.
recently moved into a new house with my #grandma for #Caregiving and at first because I wanted to. But she has grown ... very different over the past year all her other children abandon her and while she just recently said she thinks she made a #mistake in letting me stay around instead of having to be further shoved from person to person, institution to institution, despite her doubt in that, I do love her and am glad she did even if life has been one massive hell hole with nothing but shadows filled with violence, anger, terror, horrible things done to a child, rather I say, the innocence stolen, full of every day questions about the next rejection or abandonment or if worry; worry that if I fell asleep she would be dead in the morning because I hadn't been able to save her.

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#Manipulative #spouse

I feel as though my husband has a manipulative all kind, sweet and agreeable then he’ll do something he knows I won’t like. Anyone else have advice for how to deal with this or how to help him see it too?

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To my narcissistic rapist

Having sex before marriage, you light up a fire in a forest without a covenant, a closing to contain it, and you burn that forest. You light up your world and it burns into ashes. I knew this, so I tried to distinguish it. I took the initiative to stop the flames but you wanted them to keep on going. You started the wild fire that I’m in right now cause of your selfishness. To satisfy yourself. You, in your devious world, you are excelling. You want me to fail. But guess what, heaven is for real and it’s coming like a flood in my world to finish what you started. #Rape #RapeSurvivors #Depression #MightyPoets #MightyPoets #Poetry #Anxiety #Manipulative #PTSD


What Makes Someone A Friend?

I shut people out for many years, because I knew not to trust them. I was never one for small talk...or any talking for that matter. I’m usually the quiet person people think is a bitch or overly shy. Well, over the last three years my career choice was in a field heavily populated by drama, gossip, etc. I did not know this before getting involved. It’s something you learn once you are in the culture. Well, after the initial bullying I had to stick up for myself and eventually made “friends”. I’m a girl, but I don’t always see eye to eye with other girls. I’ve always gotten along better with guys. I’d have to say my work place is primarily males anyway. These people have spouses and partners, and some are single. We’ve confided in each other. Encouraged each other. I picked a few that were consistently in my life, that always said they were looking out for me and there for me. Yes, I know this can be misconstrued with them wanting to get in my pants. Which never happened, but has been the case. But over the years I’ve had some friends that were girls do the exact thing. I have a complicated life. I have a lot going on. I have a health issue, which I make sure to keep on top of. Family I take care of, and I work two jobs. And for a few years volunteered once a week. These “friends” would get pissed at me for not living my life the way they thought I should be. Unfortunately, over the course of years I have told people things in confidence. If I ask for advice or an honest opinion about something, they will always take something I told them and use it against me. Even if it has nothing at all to do with my question. Or they will be so honest that it seems as if they forgot how to talk to people or that I’m a person on the other end. I’m not a malicious person. I don’t like going around and bossing people around. If asked, I’ll be honest. But I’ll make sure to say it in a way, so that I know the other person will know I mean it in the best way. I’ve cut most of these people out of my life. The ones I’ve chosen to keep around are just as honest, but understand that I’m my own person. I listen to what they say and I act on it if it’s something I know I can do. Or I work on it. What I just don’t get, is if I should consider certain people friends after repeatedly “getting annoyed” with how I live my life. They ask, I tell, they hold it against me. I don’t get it. I really must be an idiot. And some of these people I’ve known for many years. I also have many other friends I’ve had for over a decade. They know the same things, if not more. We value each other’s friendship. So what am I missing? What do I do when people suddenly decide to do this, yet they know things about me I trusted them with? Some people I have to block. Others I just let it burn out. I don’t do my friends wrong, so when they come at me like this it eats me alive. I feel so betrayed. I also don’t go around telling everyone my business. Just the people I choose to befriend. #Friendship #betrayed #Controlling #Manipulative #SocialAnxiety #Trust

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