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Hi! My name is MikoTolstoy. I'm here as an RN struggling with my own (suspected) undiagnosed chronic illness. My health has been on a steady decline for the past 5+ years, and I am now in our early 30s, trying to find answers to get my life back on track.

I went from a young, vivacious professional with a bustling, busy, social life, who ran 3 miles per day, took trips, learned hobbies, made friends, and felt on top of the world, to someone who is still technically "young", but barely has enough energy to get out of bed, has to sit for breaks whilst making her morning coffee, and can barely do more than go to work three times per week and do the laundry.

I have previously been using all of my "spoons" at work to care for others, but I am now losing the ability to even do that - and I want to prioritize myself, my partner, our pets, and our future children. In my current state, there's no way I can possibly bring children into the world with a healthy conscience, which is what I truly want, and that genuinely breaks my heart.

I have already lost so much time passively accepting the lack of answers that I have received, and I refuse to let this undiagnosed mystery disease alter the course of my life any further.

To this point, I've received nothing but mental illness diagnoses: depression (exhaustion, achiness, heaviness), ADHD (brain fog, executive dysfunction, lack of motivation), anxiety (physical body tension, avoiding over stimulating environments, fear of "falling short" in so many ways, loss of self-esteem) & PTSD (accurate after spending two years as a COVID ICU nurse). These diagnoses may all be appropriate in their own ways, but they are not the root cause of my suffering - they are likely a secondary manifestation of whatever hitherto unknown physiological cause is resulting in my debilitating exhaustion and inability to recharge.

I want to find answers, get through this phase of my life, build a family, and get back to work using my medical background to help those who are suffering from a lack of answers and a plethora of pain - just like I have been. I love medicine, I love the people I work with, and I love watching patients get better - but answers don't come for those who don't fit neatly into western medicine's "box" of pre-established problems, diagnoses, and treatments. We are in a whole new realm when it comes to helping patients with chronic pain and chronic illness, many of whom have been neglected and medically gaslit for far too long. We, as a profession, need to do better, and I want to help myself, then turn towards helping others. My first step is coming here to learn.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #ADHD #Nurses #ChronicFatigue #MedicalProfessionals

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Note to doctors: Hello? Anybody there?

It seems that for the most part, good doctors are a thing of the past. If you are a normal person, with only minor usual issues, they understand it and will help you (sometimes). Even specialists of today dont seem to know how to do their job, or know basic medical stuff. Can this be true, or are they just acting like that with us hecause they think the patient is stupid? Where does the issue really lie? Millions of people are diagnosed wwith chronic illness every year, and every single time I open a page on facebook or another platform, all I see are chronically ill or indiagnosed people at thier wits end because of the constant miss- treatment by our entire medical community that has failed us all. I am someone who was diagnosed with Dysautonomia, POTS, and now It seems I have MCAS (undiagnosed) but it took me 10 years of agony, being told it was in my head or that I was making it up for attention, and being put into a mental facility, before it was actually diagnosed and I still cant get any doctors to take me seriously about my idiopathic anaphalaxis to most everything. What is going on here? This illness is more common than MS, Parkinsons, and Autism, and yet no one cares about it, and medical schools dont teach about it. Since Covid hit, so many if the long haulers now have autonomic dysfunction/Dysautonomia, POTS and even mast cell diseases, and there are virtually no doctors for it. These people become suicidal, because of the constany suffering and trying to keep themselves alive, while also being harassed, bullied, gaslit, laughed at or even abused by doctors and nurses. It isnt being talk about enough. Why do we need to talk about it? Its not just people with Dysautonomia that get these issues with medical people, its widespread for many health issues now a days, especially for women and POC. It seems to be a combination with health care insurances, not so great medical training, and who knows what else. It has to stop. People are dying when they shouldnt be. People are getting PTSD when they shouldnt have had to, people are commiting suicide because doctors wont sace them or help them. They are crying out for help only to be told they are crazy, while they sit and suffer needlessly. The medical system in the USA is not just broken, its useless. They have failed the people to fill pockets. My biggest question for every doctor out there, how do you sleep at night onowing the pain you are causing? Something to think about. #Doctors #Nurses #Dysautonomia #AutonomicDysfunction #ChronicIllness

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A&E Hospital waiting room #CheckInWithMe

After a lengthy phone call with my Doctor and a few tears

I phoned my daughter-in-law and she drove me to my local ish hospital.
I'm all by myself as Pandemic mode😕
My doctor thinks my 3 day Migraine from hell with numbness in face neck and arm could be a mini stroke or brain bleed . Yes my neighbours have said all of that already since Saturday.
It was the first thing I thought of when it happened.

But he also wants me at my local hospital so they look at me. As no one has seen me to look at me in person . This YEAR.

The headache clinic WON'T take me on. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
Well if this is a migraine n not a stroke they might now.

So will see what happens.
Bloods down
CT scan n stroke dr to be seen

Wish me luck

#Migraine #Hospital #TrigeminalNeuralgia #PsoriaticArthritis #RareDisease #Waiting #hoping #Pain #Nurses


Huge guilt as NHS nurse #Anxiety #Nurses #COVID19

This post isn’t about me being anxious about having covid...

I’m anxious because I’ve had to call off work for the third time in 5 months due to my partner or myself being symptomatic.

1st time- he had a high fever for two days and sore throat. No testing was available so I was told to stay at home for two weeks.

2nd time- I had a cough, probably from stopping smoking abruptly, but work insisted I stay home for 48hrs awaiting swab result. Which was negative.

3rd time- my partner went on a lads camping trip at the weekend (I know...), returned Sunday, we both had D and V Monday. Threw up at work and sent home Monday. Due back tomorrow but partners fever had persisted beyond the sickness and he has been dry coughing all day. So he’s had a test today and I’m again required to stay home.

I am petrified of being penalised, losing my job and being judged by my co-workers but don’t know what else I can do. I feel like an idiot and incredibly guilty. 😞😞😞😞


Cancel Culture of Depression

Does Anyone else cancel their life away when they are depressed. I am. How do I get out of this rut? #Depression #Anxiety #Insomnia #Nurses

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When other nurses are losing their lives....

My mom is a nurse... and it is hard hearing her talk about how her close and trusted colleagues tested positive for covid-19 and she could also contract it... It is by the grace of God seeing her come home well alive and living although exhausted because... She says the thought of this pandemic is overwhelming and I don't even know how to show her support or best words of encouragement,all I do is pray... Cover her with the blood of Lamb and hope for the best.

#Nurses #COVID19 #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #Hope

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#nursesweek #COVID19 #HealthcareProviders #Depression

Wanting to wish all my nurse colleagues a healthy, safe, and lovely National Nurses Week May 6th-12th #Nurses #Insomnia #yearofthenurse2020
Also thank you to those who are staying healthy ant home and work. I could not do my job without #Telemedicine and #SocialWorkers #SupportGroups