traumatic

Hi,
I have been unsure as if to post this but I will try to see if anyone answers out of kindness.
I believe I have some sort of autism or social-learning disabilities which Ive had most my life.
Lately I’ve been making “social-mental” mistakes? In a social setting under pressure, where my minset is supposed to be “tough”, I have like “let up” and my mind has become “soft or weak”, thats the best way I can describe it.
Its happened so many times lately , where I know I havent met social expectations of me and I know people have noticed based on how theyre treating me.
I feel like Ive let people down and lost a lot of credibility, and perhaps social worth. Im worried about it, and what it means for my future.
Its hard to talk about but out of kindness can anyone relate or offer any suggestions? Thanks very much 🙏🙏🙏
#Autism #traumatic Brain Injury #Depression

#Anxiety #Depression #LymeWarrior #TraumaticBrainInjury #traumatic grief

My house looks like a slob lives here. I have paperwork all over in every room. Just looking at it hurts my brain. I try and clean it up or organize it but I end up just moving papers in a different spot.

I get into bed at night with trash on my bed. I have to move it all just to make room for myself. I lay there praying to God and asking why? Why did all those people have to die. I cry myself to sleep praying to see my loved ones that were taken since the pandemic started.

I had just gotten my life back after a 14 year battle with co-infections from Lyme disease. I finally was leaving my house, seeing my friends, shopping. I had 9 months of somewhat of a life back then I was forced back into my house. Then in 2020 I got bit again and im back fighting for my life again. New symptoms to deal with. I grieve the life I had before.

What I lost besides loved ones was myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. My first grandson was born during the lock down. I was able to see him 6 feet away 3 days after he was born. It was like I was looking at someone else’s grandchild not mine. I was not aloud to hold him because I can’t get a flu shot. The last one almost killed me.
I found out later everyone was holding him except me. This was so hurtful and my son allowed it to happen. It started to become to painful for me to even go to see him. What was the point if I had to watch from 6 feet away. I still do not feel any connection to my grandson and that is my son’s fault. He is 2 years old now. We aren’t aloud to babysit him or take him anywhere by ourselves but her parents are. I pray to God I’m still alive when and if another grandchild comes.
Funny thing I was aloud to hold my friend’s grandchild with no problem. When I was able to hold my grandson I was in a hazemat suit he was 8 weeks old. No one else had to wear one except me. Now that’s personal. I had 5 friends become grandmothers and they posted it on Facebook no one was wearing a mask or a haze mat suit. I’m not even aloud to show pictures of him to my friends because he’s not old enough to consent to it.

I had to go into therapy because of this behavior which was personal and not due to the virus. At least that is what I was told by my therapist. My heart is still broken and it’s still beating but for what. ?

This is not the way it was supposed to be. This is not the life I wanted or imagined. I am just existing.

I know hoarding crafts that I will never make, jewelry I will never make it has to stop. A lot of stuff I bought most is now expired. Did I throw them away? Nope.

I could keep writing about all I have lost but everyone has lost. So there is no point I guess. I did lose my Mom to the virus watched her die over zoom for 9 weeks. Then I found my best friend, my brother dead in his apartment. I think he was murdered but I can’t prove it. Now I deal with a fractured sternum and PTSD from that.

Hoarding is caused by lost, trauma, stressful life events, a brain dysfunction. I’m not putting anymore labels on myself. I just wish I could stop it. I wish I could afford someone to help me get organized as I no longer can do that. I can’t afford much of anything. I sell things to make money but it’s not enough. I’m too sick for a real 9-5 job. I do have a on line wholesale shopping club with weight loss products but that’s still not enough. I’m worrying myself to death literally.. I need extensive dental work due to lyme. I was scammed out of my savings for that. More loss. It effects me emotionally, physically, mentally.

I’m just rambling now it’s late here and my brain is tired. Im actually getting tired of living because it’s just so damn hard. I’ll write some more later. Thanks for reading this post. Since 2019 I lost 27 friends and family. Isn’t that enough???
#LymeWarrior #PTSD #LivingWithPOTS #PudendalNeuralgia #ChildhoodAbuse
#BrainInjury
#MemoryLoss

Got a bit of a heavy issue.. I've endured some heavy traumatic stuff especially over the past couple years.. And when times get tough, I retreat into my shell.. I don't talk to anybody, possibly for fear of rejection or being a burden.
Well with a couple of recent traumas when reaching out to a particular friend, I wasn't greeted with such a warm welcome. He is also a friend of one of the people I was in a traumatic situation with. I feel he didn't believe/want to understand the situation, as a result wasn't supportive. I then went through an S-assault about a year later, and didn't really get any emotional supportive response through that either.
So for a good while I decided to not keep contact.
Fast forward to recent months I've gotten back in contact with him, and still not so warm welcoming.
I try to explain that I turn into a hermit when things get tough and it's nothing personal on us as friends..
But his response was basically that I've been a shit friend and i need to step it up.

There's been no understanding from my perspective of post traumatic stress, depression, reliance on substance..
I know I've been a shit friend to a few people.. But my other friends have been pretty understanding when I apologise and explain.

This situation has also been rewinding my brain to some horrible experiences meanwhile too..

I'd just like to see if anyone has been through something similar and how they've approached it..

Much love xoxo
#Trauma #traumatic #Depression #PTSD #Friendship #friend

I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day. I was 9 yo when my both my Grandparents were killed in a car accident on that day. I have very vivid memories of that night/day. It still pains me to this day almost 30 years later. I will always miss them. I will always love them.

My parents have tried to make Valentine’s Day special and not so sad, but I cannot shake the grief I feel when this day approaches.

I will take it easy today, cuddle my kitties and try to do something I enjoy - try to remember the fun and loving times we had together. I do want to wish all my Mighties love & peace forever 💕

#Grief #traumatic grief #Missingyou #Memories #CPTSD

Korbyn 2021
I miss you my son
Broken bones and broken dreams a mind lost in a fog
A desperate yearning for truth
I miss you my love
Questions of what could have been
Fractured dreams
Burnt hope
I miss you my light
Necrotic heart
Neuropathy to my soul
I miss you my child
My first born
My pride
My bright star
Darkness in your eyes
Dimness in my future
I miss you my sweet boy
Skinned knees and festering thorns
Family trees splintered and root rot
I miss you my son
Vacant plates at the dinner table
One seat belt unused in the car
Dusty trails
Windy nights
The smell of Spring
Winter burning my cheeks
I miss you my son
My reason for living
My passion for life
The fire that lit the way
I see your you in the night sky and the morning sunrise
I see you in the Sunset and the ocean’s rage
I see you in your nephew’s eyes
I feel you in the warmth of a camp fire
I hear you in my dreams
And I wait patiently to hold you again

#adolescent suicide #Depression