TW

TW: so for starters, long post again, huuuuuuuuuge amounts of insensitivity in said post that sounds like I'm normalizing it because I don't feel about it anyhow, might be triggering for some who suffered from an abusive relationship, probably some trauma bonding, written from the POV of what people would normally deem an abuser (even if my partner doesn't realize it - not sure if this is allowed?), no idea anymore, of course feel free not to read this post if you feel uncomfortable at any point

Hi, so the problem is this. My partner/SO of 8 years loves me even though I used to and still treat him pretty badly. I haven't been diagnosed as one, but I'm certain I must at least have traits of some very specific cluster B mental illness, not naming any because self-diagnosies are not tolerable etc. etc.

This extends to him too, I don't want to label my guy but I think he is someone that people would think of as a codependent in a given relationship, and a possibly an enabler from outside of the relationship.

I am not a very good person. I don't feel any kind of empathy, guilt/remorse, I can't bond with people ever, and I just genuinely don't care about most anything but my own person. I find myself incredibly interesting and I dissect and analyze myself in many ways from many angles. I love to brag about the bad things that I "have the potential" to do. I mostly conceal all of this in public, aside from some casual things that don't reveal much about my mental state, but that doesn't change the fact that I am wired in this way. It's only with my SO that I can afford to be truly vulnerable, otherwise nobody really knows me in the slightest.

I'm saying this because my SO is the only person I can be "real" with, and so this of course means he gets to see the worst I have to offer (because that is me, and anything else I present is a false representation made in order to survive in society). Now don't get me wrong, I don't ever abuse him, as in, physically, but I used to mentally years ago, heavily, during the typical lovebombing stage, because I was really young and just had no concept of boundaries or maybe I did and just ignored that because I didn't care that much about reputation back then and even was kind of passively suicidal, so the thought I wouldn't live long anyway made me more susceptible to trying out things on people.

I want to be clear on that I'm not excusing any of this, shit was diabolical and even though I don't feel anything about it, I don't do it anymore, because I do appreciate this person a lot, even if I can't really prove it emotionally. The abuse must have lasted about 2 years before something happened that prompted me to reveal myself for real, and after that I just stopped with it because I understood it wouldn't mesh well with this new revelation, and I wouldn't be able to get anything out of him now, anyway (this is what I thought at the time).

Since then I am always myself around him. We are also much healthier (coming from the ex abuser this must not sound very authentic, but I do think I've mellowed out a LOT since then). Even so, it's still a very puzzling thing. Basically it appears that he knows I'm incapable of loving him, but does not care in the slightest. I attribute this to him having a very low self-esteem. Sometimes I use him as venting grounds for when I'm particularly frustrated with the outside world, expecting reality validation, and he happily remains my echo chamber.

Even though he is a very feelings-oriented and a moral person and I'm certain he would hate anybody that is like me character-wise with a passion, he claims to love me for who I am. To me this doesn't seem like love, but rather obsession. It definitely stems from me traumatizing him heavily in the past as I said, I know it was fucked up and I tell him so whenever he appears to sideline it, as well as the struggles it brought about for his mental health.

The problem is, he always appears to think I can do no wrong and excuses any bad action I ever do or say I have the potential for doing. I have always believed this to be problematic, mostly because his own issues complement this obsession with me.

He has a savior complex and a general need to "feel relied on/depended on", plus a tendency to think of me as "broken", which really doesn't make any sense because I'm self-aware to hell and back and don't care if I inflict hurt as long as nobody finds out socially. He excuses my actions every single time without fail ("your actions aren't that bad"), and even when I provide evidence that they are, he points to my past and uses it as justification for my actions, in a sort of "you are allowed to do that because of how bad you had it" kind of way.

He has admitted to worshipping me and obsessing about me in private (centering his religious OCD around me, for one, or choosing to write his essays in uni about how "misunderstood" I am and how he loves me so much (obv with an alias for my character because why would he reveal the very problematic personality of the one he loves right)). Don't get me wrong, I obviously love it because why wouldn't I since I'm such a shitty person and think I truly am all that and deserve everything good in life but it still seems concerning to me to the point that I think if I had any empathy at all I would 100% feel sorry for him. He just seems almost brainwashed, and I didn't intend to do this, I think (???).

Since I haven't managed to have an effect like this on anyone since, I'm wondering what it is I did to make him that way, so that I can maybe revert it? Like okay I may not feel bad about it but I care for this person in my own way and from a cognitively empathetic standpoint even I can see that this is majorly fucked up and I definitely need to correct it somehow, even if we are "okay" now, as his denial clearly signals that not everything is healed.

So I'm looking for advice from ex codependents.

Anyone with a similar case? How did your partner make you realize that many of their actions towards you were (and still sometimes are, at least for me - though not because I would want them to be mean but because I'm just bored and don't care in general) genuinely not well-meaning? How did they make you or how did you yourself manage to "snap" out of it?

I think if I had the capability to love, I would truly love this person, for too many reasons that I won't get into right now, they basically saved me, but that's exactly why I want them to live their best life, which I believe would best be accomplished without me. How do I manage this?

I apologize for the word soup. Hopefully this is comprehensible enough. Have a great rest of your day/night :)

#Abuse #TW #help #Relationships #traumabonding

It's been 5 days now since I tried to end me and took a bunch of pain killers. It obviously didn't work since I'm here typing about it.
I've struggled all my life with this empty feeling and not being good enough for anybody including my family, even if some express that they love very much. I was sent to see a psychologist after my school found out I was self harming. But my mom never really followed up with the recommendation. I thought I had gotten better but it just never seems to go away.
Recently (about 5 yrs ago) I've been having more problems that I seem to not be able to control. I must admit that I've always engaged in reckless behavior from drinking too much, used drugs, got involved in street racing or just driving super fast at night when the streets seem empty, just to get a thrill and feel adrenaline or something.
When I was younger it didn't seem like a problem. I did some stupid things but it didn't seem too bad. I would lash out at my mom sometimes and have some behavior problems. My family always said it was because of my age and that it was normal to go through these type of things. But deep down I always knew something was not okay.
My boyfriend of 10 years just broke up with me 2 weeks ago. And I feel like I lost a part of me. Our relationship wasn't easy and we could get in very bad arguments, so bad that we've got physical in 2 occasions. But we still had very good time together and we shared so many things. I always felt he was the only one that really understood me. Now I'm fighting the urge to call him and tell him to come back and that o don't want to loose my best friend. LOL I actually did try but got ignored and he hung up.
Ever since I actually woke up from my potential OD, nothing feels real, I don't feel sad, angry, not even disappointed or remorseful for what I did.
What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel something?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It hurts,
It fucking hurts.
It kills,
It always did.
Sad excuses left and right,
Ignorance is left to bite…
Me.
And Us.

“Systems and plurals are crazy,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only men and women,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only heterosexuality,”
According to this planet.
“Sex define your gender identity,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only monogamy and monoamory,”
According to this planet.
“White folk deserve more than those of color,”
According to this planet.
“There’s only romance and friendship,”
According to this planet.

“Everyone’s autism is a disorder or disability,”
According to this damn planet.
“Neurodivergent folks are too loud,”
According to this damn planet.
“Fat folks are a joke,”
According to this damn planet.
“Sex and romance and love is natural among all beings,”
According to this damn planet.
“Adults can’t cry,”
According to this damn planet.
“Mental health is selfish,”
According to this damn planet.
“Trigger warnings are a joke,”
According to this damn planet.
“You should stop being poor and pay more,”
According to this damn planet.
“Everyone should identify as a human being and alterbeings, otherkin, and fictionkin folks are snowflakes and ‘cringe-worthy’,”
According to this damn planet.
“Anything that is not seen as ‘normal’ or not common should be stigmatized and criticized until it makes other folk want to closet themselves for eternity and be forced into this void of hell called “being like everyone else’,”
According to this damn forsaken planet.

Past mother’s self,
Mentally abusive.
Keeps me up,
As thoughts are still intrusive.
New mother’s self,
No longer abusive,
Past mother keeps me up,
As they are still intrusive.

—

Fuck ignorance.
What’s it ever done to us?
Take the Mars and Venus symbol,
Combine them together,
And destroy it altogether.
Neither are truly me.
Take the “human” label and wash it away,
And don’t tell me I’m human,
Else I will cry,
I’ve cried too much.
Alterbeings exist anyway.
An alien hybrid trapped in this damn realm called Earth,
I love space,
I miss my home,
It was much more quieter than here,
Much more sensical than here,
Much more reasonable than here,
Much… less ignorant.

Than here.

——

I am a non-binary transmasc overweight individual who is part of a system/plural. My pronouns are he/they/it, and some others. I do not identify as a human, I am alterhuman/alterbeing, although I still identify as someone of color. I’m black/mixed. I have 6 non-romantic partners who I all love equally with my entire heart and are also part of the same system I’m a part of, they are as real as ever. Also, I despise my autism being called a disorder or disability.

And I’m so sick of feeling ignored, and of what Earth had to offer for the past 20 years of my life on its ground. Thank you.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #nonbinary #LGBTQIA #ignorance #Poem #Vent #TW #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Alterhuman #otherkin #Racism #Capitalism #Trauma #Polyamory #system #plural #EndTheStigma #GenderIdentity #GenderDysphoria #MentalHealth #Awareness #earth #Homesick #StopSilencingUs

About 4 weeks ago I started Zoloft and stopped taking Lexapro.

The first three days were horrible. I felt like I did when I had a bad reaction to an antibiotic, and felt suicidal for the first time in years.

Called and left a message at my psychiatrist's office with no reply.

I am on a 25 mg dose and have tried taking two, bumping up to 50 and felt *almost* ok, have been toughing it out for the last few weeks.

Work has been exhausting and I'm afraid. I have not been myself.

I am hoping that my appointment will see an increase to 50 or 100, since 25 is not helping handle things at all.

#Zoloft #Sertraline #MajorDepression #TW

Hey everyone. I'm glad this exists, I really do because I've been struggling pretty bad. I suffer from PTSD from different situations, death, sexual abuse and abandonment. I'm feeling pretty angry right now actually, because I'm sick with these thoughts. It's really made me dislike my mind with these intrusive thoughts and nightmares. I have nightmares of my sexual abuser apologizing, or interfering on my life, and I wake up in a panic not even being able to work sometimes. I'm sick with this struggle, because I can't talk about it. I feel like other struggles can be spoken about, and I hate thinking this way. I hate comparing my situations to others, but my brain does anyway. It looks at the difference between when I vent about such a taboo subject and how no one can help me, and they don't know how. And we can't talk about it too much. And we have to tiptoe around it. And we feel dirty, and nasty, and weird. Why did my brain compare my relationship to my father compared to others? My father betrayed me in every way possible. When someone's father passes away, my heart aches, but wonders... what does it feel like to feel that pain because of such a close bond? What's that like to have a father that didn't traumatize you, but loved you unconditionally? I feel so jipped sometimes. I want to mourn his loss instead of being okay with his passing because he ruined my innocence, and I'm sick about this and sometimes I wish my relationships matched how I see myself. I see myself as someone who deserved that. I'm kind and have so much love to give and was given a sick situation that I have to live with for the rest of my life and don't know how.

I don't know what I'm asking for or looking for, but I guess I just want to say that I'm sorry to everyone in this group because you all deserved so much better. This community feels accepting, and I think even something like this is comforting.

SO i have this teacher who dicided to degender her amasing studend named lili (not real name)lili was also on multipule ocasines deadnamed.

sadly this is not the first time this has happened nore willl it be the last.

I Know of a kid who makes me degender (insert pronoun) becouse of transphobic parents.this kid is a lovly kid but is closeted due to faimly.

more public examples are JKR aka the auther we want to froget

please make a afert not to dengender people.

I’m a woman and happy to be one. But, when I have sexual feelings and act on them, I hate myself and my ‘womanhood’. I know it stems from the abuse I went through when I was a child. But I hate myself for it. I want a boyfriend and baby one day but I’m bad at relationships. I tried to tell my counsellor how I’ve been feeling and I don’t think she really understood me. Inside I feel dirty and it’s all because I was engaged in sexual acts from before my time and addicted to those feelings as a kid. I feel worthless (but I know I’m not) and I feel confused. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Any advice is welcomed.

Thank you 🤍 #TW

I feel like crap, to be honest.
I have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder as I am currently waiting for my referal for the ED clinic. They said they're extremely busy at the moment, so god knows when I'll hear from then. But until then, I find myself lost deep within ED tumblr on a daily, constantly finding others who are restricting themselves with foods to see whether my weight is valid. I don't know who I am anymore. I want to be skinny, I want to be good enough. I want BPD to go away too, I've found myself impulsively piercing my own ear twice today, and eating far too much which I now regret and feel as though I should harm myself because of it. I think because I do not yet have a diagnosis, it is constantly on my mind the questioning of "what is wrong with me?", maybe nothing is wrong with me, but I do not wish to feel like this any longer.

#EatingDisorders #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

The Mighty, it's been a while.
Since my last post, I have been prescribed anti-depressants, and today I had my review in which my dosage was increased. I've recently relapsed regarding self harm, and feel as though my life is spiralling out of control. I have been referred to an eating disorder clinic, began to weigh myself on a daily, and felt as though all the progress I made with my attempt to love myself has soon gone to waste.

I was doing so well, I made it to one year self harm free, maintained a healthy weight, quit smoking for 6 months. And now here we are again, stuck in the rut of the black hole we call BPD.

When does it end? Does it ever get better? What can I do to give myself hope whilst furloughed and living every day as though it is the same.

I beg, anyone. Please send me messages of hope, recommended videos to inspire me search for my self love. Anything at all, before I give up.

#BPD