Ableism

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#Writing #Disability #Ableism #MentalHealth #ChronicIllness

At one point my podcast was the highest rated for my niche. My former cohosts have turned most of my following against me in retaliation for defending myself against their ableism. My story can be found here: youtu.be/eBBQB500mKE

Trigger Warning Abuse, Gun Violence

These Chronic Negative ideations are getting to me today

Just I'm feeling it very hard today

Just recorded myself Talking couldn't do a video today

Was that anxious

Just Feel like a Burden on Society and Nobody understands

I kinda get tired of people calling me lazy or Unmotivated.

When in reality they never had Agoraphobia

Because at the End of the day

I still have Agoraphobia had it since I was 5

Is getting a little better

But still have the condition

Maybe Its not like in 2010 when I couldn't step outside my house

With Therapy I still can't stand outside my house very long

But with the Anxiety and panic symptoms

I'm able to Pay bills and food and stuff some physical checkups occasionally now.

But can't do it everyday it's occasional

Maybe once or twice a month

Because I try to Occasionally push through since it's one day.

Because I know I can't do it everyday I would kill myself

The feelings are overwhelming

And doing that I feel bad panic symptoms.

Dizziness headaches heart aches

It messes with my separate migraine diagnosis which I had since I was a little boy.

Take meds just for those specific days just to pay bills.

Which I been doing every month if I could.

But I feel so sick.

Just I tried several jobs over the years.

From Warehouses and factories McDonald's which I had panic attacks

Dropping money and patties.

Not being able to handle the open Spaces of a McDonald's restaurant.

Had a panic attack

Goodwill, Carwashes, Landfills, Wet Factories

Lifting 200 to 300 lb barrels of Fruit and veggies and water.

Which water is Heavy than people expect when in barrels.

And water is not dense as well. It's a liquid.

That spilled on the floor.

And lifting that repeatedly with and without help

This very different than weight training

That you do sets for maybe a few minutes to a hour

This is repetitive lifting throughout a shift for 8 hours+

And had 10- 12 hour days Alot it never ended at 8 hours flat.

And you doing it at a fast rate.

Since it's a factory and those bins fills up quickly from the leftover food on the floor.

Since some people shoulders gave out

And mines didn't. Thankfully

Having panic attacks every night felt like Giving up.

Everytime I came home.

Even was thinking about working at a Tire Plant.

Which I didn't do the Tire Plant.

Too crowded. Definitely couldn't handle that environment.

I Did Every Entry Level Physical Job Imaginable.

Public jobs that I can think of.

But nobody understands or sees that.

Only IRS knows that.

Because They Take A portion of the Pay out of my check.

Which I loved Paying Taxes.

Since I was working

But couldn't handle the Jobs.

Agoraphobia and Severe Social Anxiety and anxiety in general and panic attacks daily

Is very real condition.

But Ableism exists.

So they say Ableist Statements

Saying anxiety is not a real disability

And saying tough through it

Or MAN UP.

Which Nobody Understands My Situation.

Just Even Work At Home. I be Feeling like a Burden A lot on Society.

Just I Been Feeling like a Burden since I was a kid.

Felt I was a Burden That Kept My Mom from Going to the Military 🪖

Fresh out of High School.

Which she never said.

Since She Got pregnant with me.

By the time she was going to start Basic Training

And she had the option To Either Have a Abortion or Go Through Basic Training

Or Have Me and Had to Lose her Opportunity To Enlist.

When I got shot at when I was 17 in 2011

I thought maybe I should've gotten shot.

Maybe if I was dead I wouldn't be a burden

On People and this Capitalist System.

Just I Deal With Unemployment.

And if you Judge me by me typing this.

You shouldn't probably be in my life in the first place

But people don't understand

It's Very hard to keep a job

I do want to work a job or something

But Main Thing I have a conditions

I had for years.

This just didn't come up when I was grown

I had this anxiety and stuff since I was 5 I can remember.

Been feeling ideations since I was 15.

Had To go to the hospital for the first time.

Of trying to Cope with the issues.

Didn't know it was a mental health condition.

Until I was trying to do something to myself in 2010.

Been a ongoing problem

Just People don't understand how this can cause me to not keep a stable job or employment.

Which would be considered Gainfully or Substantial Employment.

I have difficulty due to my condition

I did try in public places.

I had a panic attack heart beating everyday.

Feeling dizzy and my pre existing migraine problems becoming more prominent due to this.

Just Even Working at home it's very difficult.

Because they want you to still talk on the phone

And type stuff and stay on the computer..

Which I don't even due in my personal life.

Because it causes bad anxiety being on the internet and the phone.

Since I still have to interact with people.

Just it's Interreacting with people in general

That gets me very bad anxiety.

And Working at Home means you Are Independent.

You still work under someone else.

It's not like I'm the owner of a fortune 500 company deciding how my day will go.

I'm just a Worker for Someone else like majority of people.

So I have to Do What they feel is Profitable to do so.

People act like these companies really care about my well being

When they give accommodations

Which the accomodations still favors the business owner more than the employee

Which I understand.

Those accomodations really didn't do anything to better my condition

and anxiety and stuff I constantly feel daily.

Just Even if I could do a job for one day.

That's not substantial to survive.

And I'm just going to feel sick and dizzy and blurry vision

And aggravates my preexisting migraine condition.

But The Way Society is.

Due to being Very Hyper Competitive and stuff.

Just Someone like me can't compete with someone

That doesn't have my issues.

At job positions.

Just Life.

It Really doesn't accommodate someone with my conditions.

Be trying to see some work at home jobs fit my condition...

But nothing I can do at a consistent substantial rate gainfully rate.

Doesn't make sense to Start a job that I'm going to have a physical anxiety and panic attacks daily

And eventually quit.

Doesn't make sense. Because it's not substantial

Instead of wait until something I can actually handle.

I'm trying just.

I can't survive off that condition.

Just feel like it's my fault for having these issues.

I didn't ask for.

I feel anxious texting people.

And people don't understand.

I try to go on social media and stuff for therapy.

Since I don't leave my house.

And Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder and stuff.

It's a Double edged sword.

Because being alone I don't get panic attacks as often

And feel those horrible feelings I feel mentally.

But Being alone also makes you more Depressed and Lonely and sader

So I try to balance it.

But even going online is very anxious provoking.

I try to do it for therapeutic reasons.

And have flashbacks as well

And non anxiety based such as getting shot at in 2011

And other stuff I'm not going to publicly going to disclose.

Only people I don't feel anxious is My Mother and my immediate brother and sister.

The ones I lived with growing up.

Just them all other family members I struggle just calling them.

Just my life sucks.

I constantly hear I'm lazy or Unmotivated

Or whatever you call it.

Just society doesn't understand.

Why I'm having difficulty keeping a job.

It's seems like it's not profitable.

Like my condition doesn't work under a hyper Capitalistic society.

Just I'm trying but I can't work for the best of me.

I have to work with accommodations that are best for employers

Which I understand.

Since profit is the driver or capitalism.

The Accomodations they give me I still have anxiety.

I can't do 8 or 4 hours consistently.

Maybe for one day but after that

I'm going to feel exhausted and dizzy vi

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Being autistic feels like a fucking crime these days.

I was staying at a hotel because was about to lose my fucking mind staying at home with my youngest nephew making a lot a noise constantly throughout the day. What my dad said earlier about check-out, I’ve misinterpreted, but he fully apologized and takes full responsibility as he should’ve made it clearer.

I was getting ready to check-out, but it was an hour later because I was getting ready to check-out. Security came to my door and said that I needed to come out, and I told them that I was just getting ready to leave. Packing as fast as I possibly could, they came back again and threatened to call the police on me if I didn’t get out of there soon. I literally told them that I was packing as fast as I could and that I had an appointment an hour after the check up time (and I couldn’t reschedule or else my mom would have to pay over $100 for canceling ,and I didn’t want to do that to her!) … and of course they did care about that last part.

Pissed off, I left the hotel in tears and placed the card keys at express check out. I wanted to complain, but I didn’t bother because I was just so mad and honestly scared for my life.

My dad told me that the police part is just something they say to get others out. If this is a fucking neurotypical norm, I want to let you know: 1) I HATE being pressured or someone trying to rush me and 2) I HATE being FUCKING THREATENED, especially regarding something TO DO WITH THE POLICE! Are you kidding me?!?!

Society SERIOUSLY needs to know how traumatizing and/or stressful that is to hear for neurodivergent individuals who 1) completely misinterpreted what check-out restrictions mean, 2) are trying their fucking hardest to do something in time, and 3) LITERALLY MEAN NO FUCKING HARM!!!!!!!

Now, I’m fucking scared to even go outside anymore. I feel like society just doesn’t want me. I feel like society just sees me as a criminal, or just sees my autism as criminalistic.

I know I was overstimulated earlier with my younger nephew, but I’d rather deal with this and possibly lose my mind than be FUCKING THREATENED TO HAVE THE POLICE ONTO ME!

#IsThisAbleism #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #NeurotypicalNorms #StopThis #Police #overstimulated #Norms #scared #Stress #Society #venting #Vent #triggerwarning #MentalHealth #Ableism