childhood abuse

Sometimes the reality of what I've lived through is too much and it gets overwhelming. I'll find myself snapping at the smallest things and it seems like I am on sensory overload most of the time. The harsh realizations of the sexual abuse/sexual assault and emotional abuse cause me to go into crying spells. Recently I've been told that I'll walk out of the bedroom and into the living room while still half-asleep and then have a nightmare that often leaves me fearing for my life. I've even been told that I've been found in the fetal position. The scary thing is, I have no memory of those nights. When this was brought to my attention, it made me realize how much of my past was buried in my subconscious and that even when I'm not actively thinking about it, it's still there. Though I've created physical distance between my abusers (one of them is in prison and I'm still trying to cope with that) it seems like the sad reality is, I'll never really get away from them and what they did. I've had no luck finding therapy or psychiatric help and it's only making the struggle harder. I try to help myself by doing little things, like resting or writing but those things don't take away the pain I feel on an almost daily basis. The pain of being betrayed and abused by people that I thought loved me is a pain that I don't think I will ever really heal from. Yet people tell me to accept that the abuse happened and it will help me heal. It's been 5 years since the abuse ended and some days I feel like I should be doing better than I am. I try to be gentle with myself but recently, it's just been too much. It's hard to open up about the sexual abuse/assault because it was a family member. That makes it tremendously harder and more embarrassing to talk about. Most people don't understand and I am forced to go back to living in shame and secrecy. I'm just hoping someone here can help. I guess what I'm asking for is just all around moral support. Prayers would be appreciated. We all need to help each other. I'm just struggling and feel at a loss right now. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of being frustrated. I just want to be healthy and healed. Any advice and support would be appreciated. Thank you.

#ChildhoodAbuse

How do I address dating or any form of intimacy if a single kiss causes a flashback that triggers panic?
#SexualAbuse #ChildhoodAbuse #Bipolar #MentalHealth #lonely

Im thinking that my DNA is paired wrong …. The helix 🧬 goes the other way - this is fact because it wasn’t one person that did those things it happened again and again - even as an adult I went back for more and I hate myself . I want to get rid . I used to bathe in bleach but nothing works #ChildhoodAbuse #PTSD #SexualAbuse #recoveryishard #Hatemyself #Migraine #EatingDisorders #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm

Can’t do this - overthinking is too much today.. desperate to live in the moment whilst on holiday… no calories mentioned in menus… feeling dreadful but know I’m lucky … trying not to disassociate…. #CPTSD #ChildhoodAbuse #Shame #Hatemyself

#Adenomyosis #BipolarDisorder #ChildhoodAbuse #CPTSD #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #PsoriaticArthritis #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Support #FamilyAndFriends #Anxiety #Depression #Loneliness

As a trauma survivor I'm always told that forgiveness is necessary for healing, and yet others say that it isn't necessary. As a practicing Catholic, I know what the church says but when you have complicated relationships with your family then I think that makes forgiveness a little more difficult. I have no relationship currently with my family ever since I spoke up about the abuse I was enduring. They seemed to turn on me and I am still healing those wounds. I used to feel completely let down and invalidated.

I felt defeated and unimportant. I thought that speaking up would make things better. It did the opposite. Other than no longer being abused, I struggle to see the positives. Sure I have a loving fiancé that has been with me every step of my healing journey but somedays that just isn't good enough. I have written numerous letters of forgiveness to my abusers but always discarded them. I felt they either weren't genuine or I wasn't ready. However I have been able to forgive myself for not knowing certain things then that I know now. Yet I struggle to forgive my abusers. It makes it harder because the abusers are family members.

What are your takes on forgiveness? I do want to reach a place of healing and maybe forgiveness one day. I want heal so much that I cannot get triggered. Though having #PTSD makes that a little hard. I feel like if I forgive then I can move on. I know forgiveness is a personal choice but I just wanted some opinions. Ultimately I may follow Catholic doctrine and forgive my enemies but right now I am not there.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #ChildhoodAbuse #Trauma #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Toxic #Healing #Writing #Forgiveness #Catholic