EDNOS

Since October 2021 my life has been radically different. October 2021 I couldn’t stop the stress induced hallucinations of ending my life and dissociating constantly. I put my hands up at life and said mercy.

I was admitted to a psychiatric unit, which wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time I was given a chance to have a life again…or so I was told.

I was offered ECT on a silver platter that was made to look so beautiful and enticing. I was told this would be my life saving treatment. I was not told however, about the side effects that became very real and apparent in my life after discharge.

Fast forward to April 2022, I was admitted to a different hospitals program. This program is at an old hospital I had been to before, and my previous experience was horrifying.

This time around it’s teaching me that change is actually possible…I know it’s weird I’m actually saying that! When I say this hospital changed it’s protocol ENTIRELY, I mean it. Every day I’m still blown away that this is the same hospital as before. Im so grateful it’s crazy!

I had a good day today which scares me because I don’t want this feeling to be ripped away, I don’t experience the good days often.

Im taking control of it though and doing my best to keep my head up. A BHS (behavioral health staff/therapist) started one of the groups closer to the end of our programming day. This group topic was a hard one, self compassion. I start listening like normal and then there were certain words I heard that felt like they hit my soul.

I felt seen and immediately all of my attention was focused. It was a moment where things I struggle with everyday but don’t get to go into, had been brought into the topic.

I struggle severely with dissociation as I have been doing it my whole life without knowing there was a term for it. I didn’t know that not everyone has complete other worlds in their heads. Not everyone had to learn the trick of being dead and alive at the same time for survival, when they were just a very young child.

A later diagnosis of DID made so much sense. DID though isn’t as common as the anxiety/depression part that’s mainly talked about as we have to keep things vague. So I have certain issues that don’t get much attention and that’s okay because there are other areas where I haven’t gotten help, that are getting help now.

But DAMN is it like a splash of cool water on your face when dissociation and dissociative defense mechanisms are brought up in a lesson!

I got pulled from the group by my case manager/therapist so I missed the rest of group but was able to quickly ask if I could further speak about this topic at a later time with this BHS. They said of course and that made my heart…happy? I think that’s what that is. Otherwise I would say it just filled me with such gratitude.

One person can make such a big impact. This person hearing me and seeing me where I’m at, made my day a good day. And for some reason I felt like writing again. I even sang on my drive home.

It may start off slow and frustrating when you’re navigating your recovery from square one again, but slow and steady has always won the race.

Taking it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time, it’s all we can do.

Trust the process and lean in.

Hi 👋 so I don’t have a diagnosed #eatingdisorder but I know that I do have one (I’ve known a long time but I’ve not had any support from professional people, long story) a diagnosis isn’t exactly necessary (but would help with things like hashtags!) and because I am literally trying to do it all on my own, I still need to ask about some things that would be ‘triggering’ to others. And I don’t want to upset anyone, ever. So what are the limits, how much detail am I able to go into, in a post here? I’m not ‘asking for tips’ on how to make my #EDNOS worse (I’m using that tag as I have no other) I am not ‘pro’ anything, but maybe if I can ask some questions (like, does anyone else think this way, is ‘x’ a form of purging, advice on how to start helping myself etc) I can gain some more clarity and maybe then go back to my doctor and readdress the issue, or at the very least, understand myself more.
Any advice would be hugely welcomed
Thank you ❤️

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #PTSD #EDNOS #ADHD
I’ve been told I have DID but parts of me don’t believe it. Has anyone else run into this? It’s like I don’t want it to be true. I know my parts were created to protect me but it’s all just ...weird I guess.

There is meal and general support from professionals for those struggling with EDs on Instagram at @covid19eatingsupport

Is anyone else having problems with their eating disorder flaring up with all this chaos we are having in the world rt now? I was somewhat recovering from mine until I started to feel so chaotic. #EDNOS #

Somehow, after successfully completely two different treatment programs, attending years of consistent therapy, finding a helpful combination of meds, and being incredibly open about my story and diagnoses, I somehow began to operate under this unspoken pressure to be “better.”

With the holiday season and now the arrival of the long awaited “2020” year, I noticed something. By advocating for therapy and the freedom to feel and express emotions, I started to place this barrier between . I often talk about how finishing treatment and taking my meds doesn’t mean I never struggle - it just means I now have more tools to handle bad days. Yet, for some reason, when bad days come, I feel this weight of condemnation. I catch myself saying “This should not be happening.” When I am symptomatic, I hate myself for having an illness. With the new release of my debut single as an artist, of my hopeful anthem “This Is It” and the almost completion of my EP Brave Enough, I have become aware of an intensifying need to be “better.” Better in this use of the word doesn’t mean “improvement” - it means “cured” and “perfect” and “beyond that whole ‘mental illness thing’.

One of my favorite things I learned in treatment was the existence of dialectics, a world in which two distinct things need not be mutually exclusive. Sometimes I don’t treat myself like I can live in that world, while simultaneously giving everyone else the grace to live there. Lately, I’ve been treating myself like I can’t be encouraging and inspirational and also struggle, like I can’t be better and still in the process of healing, and like I can’t sing life into hopeless places and sometimes have doubt myself. So, to combat this, I decided to connect with others who know this plight. I decided to not isolate myself from people with minds and heart ssimilar to mine. It’s somewhat intimidating... AND I can be hesitant and still be brave. I’d love to build connections with others who might feel like this too. I know I’m not the only one. Today, I join the community. #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CyclothymicDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #MoodDisorders #MoodStabilizers #AnorexiaNervosa #AtypicalAnorexia #BulimiaNervosa #EDNOS #OSFED #progressnotperfection #ResidentialTreatment #Inpatient #IntensiveOutpatientProgram #PartialHospitalizationProgram #Selfharm #stability #Isolation #Music #MightyPoets #MightyMusic

It’s been about 3 years since I’ve actively engaged in the behaviours that got me diagnosed with #EDNOS but recently I’ve felt really compelled to restrict and purge. is it normal to have relapse like this after so long? My boyfriend is being amazingly supportive but I feel guilty for letting him take care of me or when he asks me if I’ve eaten - I feel irresponsible and like
I’m a lot of extra work for him and I don’t want to be that. Is this normal? How can I cope? #DisorderedEating #Relapse