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Why do I bother

We bought this house three years ago. It was my dream home. Despite my depression, my physical pain, my bipolar issues, I kept this house clean and organized.
Then my daughter and her at the time boyfriend moved in with their two cats and their two dogs. The boyfriend was an alcoholic who would drink himself to oblivion and then vomit everywhere. He damaged my main bathroom wall by pulling off the towel rack. He attempted to hang a tv on the wall in the bedroom causing huge holes there. When she finally kicked him out, he took one of the dogs with him.
The dogs pooped all over my dining room carpet when they fell ill. I have cleaned it repeatedly and can’t get it clean. The cats fight for dominance and it a constant battle cleaning up after them.
We have had to pull up carpet that I can’t afford to replace. There is damage everywhere. I love my daughter but she drops and goes. Her stuff is all over. The house reeks of cat piss and of the giant Bull Mastiff I now reside with. I don’t have the energy to keep up with the constant clean up. My once beautiful house is now such a mess I won’t let people over. And the house stinks.
None of this is helping my depression. I look around and feel like I am failing at life because I can’t keep up with simple house work. I just want to hide in my bed and cry.
Thank gawd I have my sewing lately. It’s the only thing I look forward to doing. #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Feelingsorryformyself #Feelingoverwhelmed #CVID #hopeless #neverendingcycle

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#feelingdiscouraged . #FeelingVulnerable . #feelingscared . #Feelingoverwhelmed . #Feelingsad

How can someone love a body that is so very gross.
How can someone love a mind that is full of toxic stress and confusion and sadness.
How can someone love a face that does not understand its own expression.
How can someone love a heart that is bleeding with it's own shattered pieces of shattered pieces.
How can someone love a soul that wreaks and is detached from reality.

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#Feelingoverwhelmed #feelingfrustrated #feelingstressed

As much as I enjoy having school virtually, however, I am starting to feel very overwhelmed, frustrated, and stressed all at once. And it's been taking over my whole persona, which sucks. Yet, at the same time, it is something that I cannot seem to control and that all of my frustration, stress, and overwhelmedness comes out all at once like an exploding firework. Even though I do sometimes feel like when I do get stressed or frustrated or overwhelmed, I somehow feel like I am overreacting in some way...yet I cannot quite figure out what it is that gets to me :(. But I am hoping that things will get better soon.- Fingers Crossed

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Standing on shaky legs

I feel trapped and lonely. I never seem to find the right words and everytime I believe to have describe something right, either no one gets it or forgets it and drags me through dirt for going through what I am going through. It's not easy. I have to work and try so very hard and I am often scared that I might not make it. It's just so much to work on. There is nothing that is untouched in my life. Not coloured by it. I have to revamp everything in my life and by that I don't mean so much external factors. I mean EVERYTHING that is inside me. I am pretty faulty and it's too much and often too hard to work on but I haven't got a choice. It's just that I sometimes feel crazy, like damaged goods and just like a walking problem. I don't understand that back in time, when I said that I perceived myself as very draining and that I couldn't understand why somebody would actually choose me to work with or to have around because if I were to choose I most certainly wouldn't choose me. Not because I don't like myself, but because I just wouldn't want to choose someone that had to work so very hard and struggles so much to get through life. I wouldn't want to be responsible for that person... and I can therefore very much understand everyone who choses to not associate with me. People were trying to make me believe that I am not that person but at the same time being annoyed and drained by me when they fail to understand me after I gave them answers to their questions about my well-being. Leaving me with guilt that I was too much, but when I just avoided talking about my well-being , thinking that it's better for me and them when I don't talk to them about those topics, they got angry with me for not knowing how I am doing. So whatever I do it leaves me feeling like the bad person. The monster, the burden. I am sick of it all. #MentalHealth #rant #PTSD #feelinglonely #Feelingoverwhelmed #havingenough #Trying #onlyonewayout


Feeling sad, upset and emotional today. #CheckInWithMe

Having a low day today, I’m upset about something, but my mind can’t figure out why. It could be because I’m exhausted. Haven’t slept well in days, weeks even. It could be because my operation failed within 3 days, so my recovery feels like it’s for nothing. It could be because I’m sick of having this endless flare up. The one that every coping method I have, isn’t working at all. It could be everything combined.

I want to be the one most people see. The positive, smiley one. The one that doesn’t show the agony she’s in, and never complains. The one that’s positive all the time, and helps others before herself, no matter what she faces. But the truth is, when I’m not at work, college or with friends, I’m a moody bitch. I’m in bed, in tears, trying to hide them from the rest of the family because I want no sympathy. The one that’s angry, mad, annoyed, fearful of what’s to come next. I’m not always happy. That’s the truth.

#Osteoarthritis #CerebralPalsy #Hemiplegia #ChronicPain #DDH #Upset #sad #SleepDeprivation #Operation #ChronicIllness #Recovery #Bedrest #FeelingAlone #Feelingoverwhelmed #feelingscared #Arthritis

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I don’t know what to do #Selfharm #Feelingoverwhelmed

BTS is my safe space, which is why they’re my photo. I hope that’s okay.

Also prefacing this with an: I’m safe, I promise. And I have therapy tomorrow, thank goodness. Also I don’t know what the trigger warning policy is at the moment so I will just say self-harm is a TW.

Earlier this evening I broke four years of being free from self-harm and I’m distraught and unsure how to move forward right now.

Half of me is screaming to do it again because I already messed up. Half of me is screaming to chill TF out.

All of me knows I like the pain. All of me knows I hate the consequences.

I don’t want to die. That’s not even on the table.

I want my mind to shut the f*%$ up and the only thing that quiets it down is a pain so bad that it thinks nothing at all. I can’t even tell if my eyes are open or not because it’s just dark.

My brain is restless in a body that is trying to stay still. I’m going to listen to music which is a coping skill, though tonight it hasn’t been working so great.

I guess the point of this is to vent but also to know there is another human being out there who knows what I’m talking about.

I selfishly need that to be the case, because right now I feel pretty damn alone.

Again, I’m safe. Thank you, beautiful souls, that read this and maybe can help me out a bit. You’re all amazing. ♥️


Does anyone notice certain things happen when they are getting ready to fall into a bipolar cycle? #BipolarDisorder #Depression ##Isitjustme

So I have noticed when that when my bipolar wants to take control and send me into a cycle that I start to have songs stuck in my head at all hours of the day and night and they won’t go away and change on there own... am I alone or does anyone else have signs of mood changes? #Feelingoverwhelmed #moodswings


#CheckInWithMe Needing Prayer #prayers 😬😬

Would you please send all your love and prayers to me and my family tonight? I have a loved one who was hospitalized today. Thank you!
#Anxiety #anxious #Prayersneeded #scared #CheckInWithMe #feelinghelpless #Feelingoverwhelmed #feelingstuck #Feeling



Currently trying to figure out my role in this world, how I should be expressing things, and how it impacts my relationships with others. It breaks me every time I try to open up about my emotions because I try so hard to not feel any - I’ve learned feeling things just comes with so much exhaustion, yet not feeling emotion or joy or terror... it’s a different kind of tired. #Depression #help #WhatMakesLifeWorthLiving #Feelingoverwhelmed


Any careers out there who are parents of a 20-something with bipolar, ADD, GAD? #Carer #Parent #Daughter with mental illness #Bipolar #ADD #GAD #Feelingoverwhelmed #Feelingunappreciated

I would like to contact other parents with similarities to my situation to start up a conversation about the difficulties faced by carer parents of children/adult children with mental illness - specifically mood disorders, ADD and GAD.