First

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

I’ve been reading here and am thankful for this community.

Me and my husband are celebrating our first wedding anniversary today 🎉
Unfortunately the restaurant we was going to cancelled 😭 but we managed to rebook a table somewhere else for tonight 🥳🥳 #CheerMeOn #First #Anniversary #happy

Sorry if there are too many hashtag I don't really know what I'm doing on here. Tiny bit of background im 26 have no job i live with my partner who works full time been together for 6 years. been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for 3 years. I have some friends in other countries who I've met and have been through a lot with me. 1 of my closest friends has anger issues. My partner does too but he is better than my friend. I don't deal with anger as an emotion well. I was brought up basically feeling like I could never be angry so I've never learned how to cope with it (my family is a mess but that's a whole other story) last night there was a verbal altercation between my partner and my best friend over something extremely trivial. I was there in the call they just got increasingly heated yelling at each other. My partner walked away then started gesticulating at me about how he was really close to kicking my friend out of the server just for that. My friend meanwhile is using my headphones to basically yell at my partner calling him a coward because he can be immature like that. I was breaking apart my flight response kicked in. I ran downstairs didn't really think about it but picked up a knife and ran into a back bedroom and ended up cutting myself something I haven't done in months. I just felt so awful I had to get it out. luckily we keep our knives pretty blunt tho I still drew blood. I've had a long talk with my partner about it all but have yet to confront my friend. On top of this my parents are arriving today and I have to put on a face that I'm fine somehow. On top of all other things this month (long story, I'm an emotional sponge and I've been helping people too much for my own good recently and it's taken a hard toll on my mental health) I just don't know how to cope with all of this. I don't feel capable of talking to anyone close to me and I feel so isolated and alone. I almost feel....disappointed that the knife was blunt. and that thought scares me. I don't know how to cope with all this. #self harm #depressed #lonely

#CheerMeOn today I finished my paperwork associated with becoming a volunteer emt!! Tomorrow I turn in the paperwork then get my pager, gear and all that!! I’ll keep y’all posted! I’m so excited! #MedicalProfessionals

Trying to look at the cup as half full rather than half empty I try to see my own 40 year relationship with anxiety and depression as an experience that is uniquely mine. Miserable ? Yes. Disabling ? Not yet. But no promises. Wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
But just as spring surely follows winter it is also not constant. There are good months (or sometimes days or even minutes ) that I treasure all the more for knowing what unasked for inner turmoil is.
Besides. As Jack Dawson said in “Titanic “ had it not been for this I would never have had the opportunity to meet u fine people
Hang in there all of you who suffer with me #ItGetsBetter #Anxiety #Depression #First post (how am I doing so far)