hopeless

Saw my pain management provider this morning.
My last procedure didn't help me.
She's going to talk with the surgeon and see if there is anything else they try, but she didn't seem very confident, almost to the point of being sad as she talked.
She's also leaving her position at the pain management department at the hospital,.
and going to a different position .
Hope is gone.
Wishes are gone.
Happiness is gone.
I'm almost gone.
Nobody should have to live like this.
Thank you for the kind words you've said to me.
I can't fight anymore, I give in.
My nightmare is ending.

#PTSD
#ChronicIllness
#hopeless
#PTSDSupportAndRecovery
#braindamage
#Anxiety
#EMDRtherapyhorror
#Flashbacks
#ChildhoodSexualAbuse
#TraumaticBrainInjury
#losinghope
#Exhaustedfromfighting
#ChronicPain
#BrainInjury

How am I supposed to keep going, when I have no hope left?
Because of doctors refusing to listen, my quality of life has been taken away from me.
Because of a psychiatrist who forced me to remember being raped when I was 9 years old, I have been reliving those rapes over and over again since 2019
She did the 4th stage of EMDR Therapy to me without explaining anything about EMDR therapy.
She put a crack in the wall I built when I was a kid to force myself to forget 💯.
That wall began to crumble away, and the memories became longer and more detailed as time went on, until they became actual flashbacks.
Literally reliving being raped by him over and over again since 2019.
I filed a complaint with the State Medical Board of Ethics and Professional Services about it, and explaining everything she did.
They have powerful lawyers, and I don't.
Those lawyers used my brain damage against me, and twisted everything I explained and made it look like it didn't happen.
The State Board closed my case, and decided that she didn't violate Ethics laws, completely ignored everything I explained.
They ignored multiple requests to call me so I could explain anything better.
I am NEVER going to stop reliving being raped by him until she tells the truth about what she did, and is punished accordingly by the State Medical Board.
I need her to tell the truth about what she did, so I can start to heal.
What am I supposed to do to get her to tell the truth when I don't have any money to hire a lawyer to help me?
How am I going to start to recover from the damage I'm going through?

Hello. I’m very new to this platform. I’ve NEVER reached out before. Today, I did something stupid, and ended up at the local hospital emergency room. I was seen by the Psych, and it was determined I be placed on a 51-50 hold.

Why does the US government have to be so… ugh. My anxiety is a disability, and they don’t see it. Will I ever get my disability benefits? Should I just give up? This is the 3rd time, and I’m so freaking sick of having to explain to them that I’m non-binary for the 50th time. I poured all of my heart out about why I can’t work (reasons in the last post), and yet the judge has made the decision that it wasn’t enough and decided to take away the disability payments I was having for 3 months. My struggles aren’t enough. Would filing for another appeal for the 4th time be a waste of time at this point? Should I just give up? I’m so mad…

#hopeless #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MYANXIETYISADISABILITY #ICantWork #unfair #sad #mad #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #FeelingUnseen

I am 51 years of age now and have been fighting this for almost 40 years. I feel useless all the time. When I was 15 I had my first suicide attempt. Was in a facility for 30 days. I’ve had other stays since. At 16 started underage drinking and experimented with crack, cocaine and weed. Then stopped went in the Army during Desert Storm. Over 30 years on and off substance abuse. My wife always there to fight with me . Now I’m not sure I want to keep fighting anymore. When I think I am doing something right it’s not and definitely when I do something wrong it’s wrong. #useless #hopeless #I hate life
#Depression

Chronic pain is ruining my life. I can’t live like this anymore. It’s not even living, it’s just being. I want to have fun and laugh. I don’t want to be in agony every minute of my life. I just can’t keep doing this. I’m so done #ChronicPain #Depression #hopeless #HelpMePlease

I’ve been trying deep breathing for non-stop chest tightness the past 2 weeks severe anxiety that I haven’t felt for such a long period and bodily sensations before, but I got more panicky when I tried breathing techniques and nothing would help how it usually would, I think ironically at the moment just not doing it at all might be helping more. Instead of being frustrated and panicked feeling hopeless it’s not working. #Breathing #panic #hopeless #body #symptoms #shortnessofbreath #chesttightness #ChestPain #past2weeks

Why is it that everytime I meet someone I really like, I feel the need to be around them all the time? I can not just be still with myself come nighttime. I worry and panic as to why I haven’t heard from them and ultimately I’m sure I’ll push this person away too like the rest. It gives me such a deep feeling of loneliness that I nearly exhaust myself from crying on a daily basis. I think to myself that being alone is just my future and that no one deserves to have to deal with me and my issues. I’m better off just not involving anyone else. But even that thought makes me cry. I can’t stand this cycle I have created for myself but wonder if this is just the way my life is going to be and I need to accept it.

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What’s the point of being here?
This world just hates anybody who is different. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here… I want my old home. This planet was never my home. I don’t want this home. It just hates anybody who is different. This “home” was meant to put me and others in misery. This “home” was meant to make us feel ignored. I didn’t deserve this shit. There’s absolutely no community in this world that I feel completely safe in anymore, including the LGBTQIA+ community with all of the constant bullshit gatekeeping and invalidation. I’ve given up on any form of social media a year ago (I guess except here) - it’s just always filled with drama.

I don’t want to be born here. Not in this sad place. I hate it here. Why was I born here?!?!

I’m trans nonbinary, I’m black, I’m overweighted, I’m non-romantically polyamorous, I’m nonhuman (aka I hate being called human, not in a pessimist way, just self-identification for personal reasons), I’m on both aromantic and asexual spectrums. I have plenty of triggers thanks to trauma and honestly how stupidly problematic some individuals can be. And I do not want to be on this stupid planet any longer. Sometimes I wonder if being dead would be worth it, honestly, if it would solve my problems. I’m trying to keep going, but I just cannot fucking stand this world. It feels so fucking hopeless at this point: I swear, one more cyber-bullying raid online, one more transphobic political bill, one more misusing autistic as “weird” or “quirky”, one more misuse of the word “triggered”….

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #LGBTQ #Exclusionism #Vent #Trauma #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #hopeless