hopeless

Hello. I’m very new to this platform. I’ve NEVER reached out before. Today, I did something stupid, and ended up at the local hospital emergency room. I was seen by the Psych, and it was determined I be placed on a 51-50 hold.

Why does the US government have to be so… ugh. My anxiety is a disability, and they don’t see it. Will I ever get my disability benefits? Should I just give up? This is the 3rd time, and I’m so freaking sick of having to explain to them that I’m non-binary for the 50th time. I poured all of my heart out about why I can’t work (reasons in the last post), and yet the judge has made the decision that it wasn’t enough and decided to take away the disability payments I was having for 3 months. My struggles aren’t enough. Would filing for another appeal for the 4th time be a waste of time at this point? Should I just give up? I’m so mad…

#hopeless #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MYANXIETYISADISABILITY #ICantWork #unfair #sad #mad #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #FeelingUnseen

I am 51 years of age now and have been fighting this for almost 40 years. I feel useless all the time. When I was 15 I had my first suicide attempt. Was in a facility for 30 days. I’ve had other stays since. At 16 started underage drinking and experimented with crack, cocaine and weed. Then stopped went in the Army during Desert Storm. Over 30 years on and off substance abuse. My wife always there to fight with me . Now I’m not sure I want to keep fighting anymore. When I think I am doing something right it’s not and definitely when I do something wrong it’s wrong. #useless #hopeless #I hate life
#Depression

Chronic pain is ruining my life. I can’t live like this anymore. It’s not even living, it’s just being. I want to have fun and laugh. I don’t want to be in agony every minute of my life. I just can’t keep doing this. I’m so done #ChronicPain #Depression #hopeless #HelpMePlease

I’ve been trying deep breathing for non-stop chest tightness the past 2 weeks severe anxiety that I haven’t felt for such a long period and bodily sensations before, but I got more panicky when I tried breathing techniques and nothing would help how it usually would, I think ironically at the moment just not doing it at all might be helping more. Instead of being frustrated and panicked feeling hopeless it’s not working. #Breathing #panic #hopeless #body #symptoms #shortnessofbreath #chesttightness #ChestPain #past2weeks

Why is it that everytime I meet someone I really like, I feel the need to be around them all the time? I can not just be still with myself come nighttime. I worry and panic as to why I haven’t heard from them and ultimately I’m sure I’ll push this person away too like the rest. It gives me such a deep feeling of loneliness that I nearly exhaust myself from crying on a daily basis. I think to myself that being alone is just my future and that no one deserves to have to deal with me and my issues. I’m better off just not involving anyone else. But even that thought makes me cry. I can’t stand this cycle I have created for myself but wonder if this is just the way my life is going to be and I need to accept it.

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What’s the point of being here?
This world just hates anybody who is different. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here… I want my old home. This planet was never my home. I don’t want this home. It just hates anybody who is different. This “home” was meant to put me and others in misery. This “home” was meant to make us feel ignored. I didn’t deserve this shit. There’s absolutely no community in this world that I feel completely safe in anymore, including the LGBTQIA+ community with all of the constant bullshit gatekeeping and invalidation. I’ve given up on any form of social media a year ago (I guess except here) - it’s just always filled with drama.

I don’t want to be born here. Not in this sad place. I hate it here. Why was I born here?!?!

I’m trans nonbinary, I’m black, I’m overweighted, I’m non-romantically polyamorous, I’m nonhuman (aka I hate being called human, not in a pessimist way, just self-identification for personal reasons), I’m on both aromantic and asexual spectrums. I have plenty of triggers thanks to trauma and honestly how stupidly problematic some individuals can be. And I do not want to be on this stupid planet any longer. Sometimes I wonder if being dead would be worth it, honestly, if it would solve my problems. I’m trying to keep going, but I just cannot fucking stand this world. It feels so fucking hopeless at this point: I swear, one more cyber-bullying raid online, one more transphobic political bill, one more misusing autistic as “weird” or “quirky”, one more misuse of the word “triggered”….

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #LGBTQ #Exclusionism #Vent #Trauma #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #hopeless

Cornered. Hopeless. BPD has ruled and ruined any chance at life for me. My dad was an undiagnosed Borderline. I was his rage’s favorite target. My earliest memory is age 3 hiding in a closet as he rampaged so he wouldn’t find me. He did. My inheritance was an even worse case of BPD along with major depression and extreme anxiety.

I’ve been on every iteration of every psych drug since 1964. I’ve tried brain wave therapy, bio-feedback, DBT, CBT, two rounds of infusion Ketamine and TMS and I’ve been hospitalized. Nothing even dents this. The pain. The cycles of self harm. The suicidal ideation. The vibrating anxiety- racing heart - unable to catch my breath. The trembling. The psychic pain which leaves me curled under a blanket because light, sound, touch, it’s all too much.

My wife of almost 24 years has had enough. I don’t blame her. I’ve been unable to work for 23 years because of this disease and a buffet of physical illnesses. The entire burden of our finances sits with her. It’s so unfair. When we first married I was able to hold a job. That didn’t last. I’m terrified of her leaving - yet I can’t say I’d do different if our places were reversed.

My anger terrifies her, though the only person I’ve ever injured is me. My desperate crying when I dissolve into the world of my past abuse has exhausted her. She’s at her end and I don’t blame her having lived the other side because of my father.

Now I’ve been told I’m going both blind and deaf at the same time. Macular Degeneration and hearing nerve damage which hearing aids won’t help. I’m almost 70. I’m tired of fighting so many battles I’ve never had any chance to win.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #hopeless #MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicPain #UlcerativeColitis #ChronicObstructivePulmonaryDisease #Blindness #Deafness #Abuse #PTSD