identitydisturbance

#identitydisturbance #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Autism #ADHD

I don’t want to be me anymore, so I think I’ll go by hair dye again, even though I dyed it a few days ago. I have this sudden urge to change everything. I want to be someone else. I’m anxious to change things and I want to do it NOW. #MentalHealth #identitycrisis #identitydisturbance

There are times where I feel like my identity wavers and changes often. On days like today, I feel lost. Fortunately, I have a doctors appointment in a couple of days and I’ll be able to talk to him about it. The meds do help, but there are issues that I have that I feel might be beyond medication. I’m constantly wanting to fill this hole that I have inside of me. My mood changes quite often and I can feel it change. Being sad is painful, being triggered is almost fatal. I internalize all of my problems and I often run on myself. As much as I hate myself, I’ll value you highly, but I will devalue you if you leave me or do something that causes me to lose respect for you. There’s many other issues involved, some of which do confuse me sometimes. #MentalHealth #Depression #identitydisturbance

I find that I change with every new thing that happens to me. Today, I cut/shaved my hair- feel like a different person. I have a new interest- I change and become absorbed into the interest. I like a new song- I became that. I often forget what or who I was before my new findings, this also includes people. #MentalHealth #Depression #shifting #personality #forgetting #change #Notmyself #Identity #identitydisturbance

For every moment that I do feel good, I’m reminded of the losses, the abandonment, and the emptiness that seems to be the forefront of my life. I’m not ashamed of my illness, nor do I want it to take over my life, but I find that I distance myself more than usual at this time. I feel that I can’t allow anyone to get close to me, and even though I’d like to have better relationships, I’ve come to believe that as long as I am the way that I am (even when I do go through therapy) I’ll never have a “normal” relationship with anyone. I try hard to not let the world harden me, but it seems like being hardened is the thing that keeps me going. I’m constantly battling with my mind everyday. I’m pretty sure I’ve been living in survival mode all of my life. I know people care, I know there are people who want me to stay, and as many times as I have an idea of who I am, most times I don’t. I’m very much caught in a lonely place at this stage of my life. #Depression #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #abandonmentissues #FearOfAbandonment #Emptiness #Imnotashamed #identitydisturbance #Loneliness #battling #SurvivalMode #feelinglonely #FeelingEmpty

I’ve come to realize some things about myself in the last few months. There are times when I do push people away, but I don’t want them to leave. I can be sharply angry about something out of nowhere and was just laughing and joking earlier. I sense of identity is completely blurred and changes so much. Some of my most intense feelings are internalized and I can’t put them into words. I will pinch my skin until I leave a mark as my self injury of choice ( I once did this and felt a sense of euphoria, that’s when I knew I was in deep trouble.) I experience emptiness more than before, along with heaviness and fatigue. In this depressive episode, I had more suicidal thoughts than before. Whenever I feel overwhelmed with hopelessness, I always pray, but sometimes the emotional pain is just so much that I even ask God to let me die in my sleep. I’ve even “made peace with death” at one point. No one outside of my family knows that I’ve dealt with mental health issues or the fact that I’m on antidepressants. I’m not ashamed of it and I know that it will come up at some point. #Depression #MentalHealth #realizations #SuicidalThoughts #Emptiness #Selfharm #identitydisturbance #emotionalpain #Instability #moodswings

I came home around 4:30 am, although being tired, I ended up not going to bed. My follow up for my mental health is coming up soon. My sleep pattern has been completely out of wack because I’ve been coming home late from work. I have been feeling better since being on medication. I still have dips every now and then, but other than that I’m enduring. I have been thinking about taking time off from work or asking for a doctors note for time off for a couple of weeks. I still struggle with emptiness from time to time along with my sense of identity. For the longest time, down to this day, I have zero perception of how people feel about me. What I mean is that I’m not aware if I person genuinely likes me, yet I can tell if someone dislikes me. Hopefully there will be more adjustments to be made, and some questions answered soon. #MentalHealth #Depression #identitydisturbance #lowselfesteem #LateNightThoughts #morningthoughts #feelingaloneandlost #tired #struggling

I made an appointment to see a psychologist, but that won’t be for another month. My medication was filled, but won’t get it until Wednesday. I don’t feel depressed, but I feel consistently empty. I feel like have a gaping hole in my chest at this very moment. I know I have people in my corner whenever I need them, but I feel like no one can really understand how I’m really feeling. I experience happy moments, but after these moments pass, I feel like a deflated balloon and I don’t want to be around anyone. Sometimes I want to take off without warning. Just to leave everything and everyone behind. After the sadness is over, or sometimes in the middle of it, I feel angry and frustrated. In the midst of the changing moods, the world around me seemed to shift, I kept feeling like something was pulling me away. Or maybe I’m withdrawing more than usual, either way, I feel like I’m out of the loop with the rest of the world. Having my inner world has brought me comfort in more ways than one, but when brought back to reality, I feel like an outsider. #MentalHealth #FeelingEmpty #Emptiness #Thoughts #identitydisturbance #frustrated #Sadness #Reality #outsider #numbness