self-blame

So, I am moving across the country again. My flight leaves at 5pm tomorrow. I am pretty much packed and ready to leave. I can't help feeling like I failed to make the move here work. I've had my challenges, bad places or no places to live. Even though I was able to obtain good jobs with benefits and good pay, I just wasn't happy or content at any of them. This is a repeating pattern for me. I have only held 2 jobs in my life that I stayed 2 years or longer. I just never seem to be satisfied. You would think that I would have some excitement or enthusiasm for starting over again, but I don't. This is nothing new for me. Actually, it feels more like a drag. I have to find another place to live, again. I have to find another job, again.

I originally moved here because if I stayed where I was, I would be dead now. I was miserable. I was homeless, living in a residential treatment facility. I had a horrible roommate that I begged to be moved from but they wouldn't. My treatment wasn't working and was being threatened with being kicked out of the facility because I had been there too long. I really felt hopeless and was extremely suicidal. So, when the opportunity came to move, I took it. I guess you can say that the move saved my life. Things improved once I was off of medication, living on my own and working again. I really thought that totally commiting to my treatment would cure me, instead it almost killed me. So, I am just living one day at a time and it seems to be working for me. Wish me luck. #Depression #Anxiety #Selfblame #SuicidalIdeation

I don’t feel productive today, and I have to be because I have to finish my project until Wednesday. I’m self-sabotaging all the time and I’m tired of it. I want to cheer myself up and be grateful for all things I do. It’s just hard to believe in that deep in my heart.
Also my ex keeps texting me and I just want to hug him but at the same time I want to slap him. It’s raining and I can feel the crying sky in myself too.

#diary #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #moodswing #BPDDiagnosis #hypersensitive #Selftalk #Selfcare #Selfblame

#Selfblame #Selfharm #SuicideIdeation #lost

As of last week/this week of April 2023 I've been in this dark place that I cannot overcome, Last year I was diagnosed with Papillary Carcinoma a cancer that has took a lot already from me.I lost my car, my home and my job just recently...I feel broken like there is nothing left inside of me to continue to live. My thoughts are dark inside my mind all I think about is dying and how I would do it... I am on the verge of giving up entirely. I failed at being a mother, sister, and a daughter and not to mention I lost my best friend to suicide this year in January. And I honestly don't want to be here anymore, When I talk about how I feel it's like I'm talking to walls even though its other people and all I get is that "everything is going to be okay" you'll get through this" or sometimes nothing at all. I feel like I am the problem and the only way to fix the problem is to take myself out of the equation. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb that is soon to go off I am full of hurt,anger,disappointment,regret and I cannot fix those emotions and most of all I am purely tired I just want to sleep and never wake up.

I know I'm not alone in this world but I do feel like I am.

The whole last week I wanted to recover so bad.
Today when I woke up, I had motivation.
Then my bpd kicked in and I don’t want this life anymore. I just want to end. To fade away.
Why should I live the way I live if it’s not the life I want?
But I can’t change anything. I have to wait until the shittiest parts are over.

But I’m so tired of waiting, tired of trying, tired of understanding everyone. Tired of being kind, tired of being nice to me. It’s exhausting. I’m so used to treat myself like shit, that my brain thinks that I can’t allow myself to love me.

I just can’t.

My whole life I was told to just shut up, work and be a doll for my parents.
Now I live alone in my own apartment and have a girlfriend. She helps me a lot, but there are still days and weeks where I feel alone or unwanted.
Sometimes I trigger myself without knowing, and after that I have to put myself together; although I did it to myself.
I’m tired of sticking my parts together, because I don’t know how many glue is left.

I don’t know, honestly. Sometimes I feel good and happy, but the most time I’m sad and angry because everyone failed and hurt me.
I’m angry at my parents, I’m angry at the world.

I just want a better life. Please God, hear me.
Please heal my wound.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #bps #moodswings #SuicidalThoughts #anger

I'm about done lately. All the month I moved I had the CFS, Costochondritis and Fibromyalgia flaring to the point I went to the ER. They did nothing since it wasn't deemed an emergency. I don't have a PCP because they've treated me badly and basically told me it's in my head. My parents are making things worse and treating me like an idiot (I do not live with them). They told me I have to be nice to them because they're my parents. They're not nice to me. I rely on them for money or I'd be homeless. They don't understand chronic illness or mental health at all and make things worse. They are cruel.
The whole month of the move I was flaring and in extreme amounts of pain. I had one friend and two days her other friend helping and I couldn't keep pushing myself. I'm getting a cleaning fee and my apartment complex is trying to add on other fees. My parents are going to be pissed. I want to cry. I want to die. I'm talking with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and my counselor Friday. I just don't know if I can make it that long. My cat is my anchor right now.
Any kind words or advice would be appreciated.
#Advice #Autism #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm #Selfhate #Selfblame #Arthritis #Spoonie #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #ChronicIllness #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue

So lately I’m struggling managing my emotions , I easily get bothered or overwhelmed. I feel like I’m being judged for almost everything by my spouse . The other day I was so overwhelmed by an argument I had with my spouse and other stressors on top. I felt defeated and I’m going through a lot of stress… a few days ago I wanted or felt like I wanted to cut my self but I didn’t, instead I scratched my wrists … and I kept thinking I wanted to stop existing, but I really will not act upon those thoughts, because I know I will not plan anything…and I know is time to seek help….
A little backstory back in 2018 I was seeing a counselor for a year and I was on an anti depressant for 6 mo. And I was told I had circumstantial depression…
But now I need to know where I should go to seek help… should I see a psychologist, psychiatrist or start with some counseling? # #idk #Stress #Depression #Selfblame #Selfharm #help

I came over to my friends house last night for dinner and a movie and they took me to their room for the movie and tried to kiss me when I asked for a hug. I said “no”. And it turned out that they assumed I had been giving mixed signals to them for an entire year. They begged me to let them kiss me about 7 times before I gave in and they kissed me so hard I fell on their bed and they kept kissing me hard and I tried to hint to them I wasn’t into it and they didn’t get the memo. Instead they tried to put their hands in my private areas and I kept having to say no, over and over and move their hands over and over. I feel so horrible and mad at myself for giving in to make them feel better when I should have just kept saying “no”. I just need help processing this. They said super sexual things to me too asking if I wanted to orgasm and when I said no they asked if I wanted them to (answer was “no”) and they asked if I might be into them “licking my vagina” and it was just a horrible experience and I already called the hotline and they helped but I just still have to process this. I have told two friends. I fawn a lot unfortunately from childhood and now I’m just beating myself up bc I couldn’t stick with the boundaries I tried to set. #sexualassult #help #PTSD #Selfblame #Shame #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe

What do I do? I feel like I get one chance at everything and have little room for mistakes. Its bullshit! Like you get a job, you make a mistake, your fired. Then your always too damn busy you don't even have a life anymore. I am trying my absolute hardest but I feel like I don't have the patience to navigate through this and I feel like I'm worthless. Just because I feel like society are perfectionists. I make a mistake I didn't know about and next thing you know it your in trouble and potentially get fired. You need an absurd amount of patience just to get by! I'm 23 and I already want to quit! I need help. It doesn't help I have autism. Like it's legit anti autism and forces me to mask simply just to survive rather than simply take how I think into consideration. I think differently. Yet forces you to think like someone your not. It feels so ablist and I argue it's flat out ableism. #Autism #Work #Stress #Selfblame