toxicfamily

I grew up with this person who for most of my childhood I would have equated to a big brother figure (I am an only, so that was important).

He was a bit of a bully in childhood. I remember being both happy and fearful to be around him and it worsened as we aged. Fearful of his words, he was not physically abusive.

I learned how to stand up for myself at some point and we would argue. I would a few times cut him out of my life completely when he crossed the line in trying to belittle me, ridcule me or say something so heinous I couldn’t rationalize a relationship with him any longer.

We are now 51 and 52 years old.

We had the fight of all fights about 1.5 years ago and I cut him off for the last time. My childhood affection that had tethered me to him was gone. And the “funny” stories of his treatment of me back then, well, I came to see them as not funny anymore. I saw them as a pattern in his adulthood treatment of not only me but many family members.

Six months ago he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He is now in his last days. I reached out following the dx, mainly due to family wishes and a fear of future regrets if I didn’t. I still feel nothing for me, though I don’t wish suffering on him or my family, so I am doing what I can to be supportive while maintaining distance. I would regret being fake with him as much as I would regret not acknowledging his / my family’s pain.

Sorry for the long story.

I guess I’m just here to see if anyone relates and to see how others have/might navigate grief for a childhood idea of someone while also non-grief for the toxic reality I came to see and loathe. All while he lays dying.

#ComplicatedGrief #Estrangement #toxicfamily

My father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. he has to do chemo therapy, then he will have surgery. The risk of death is about 95%.
Our relationship isn’t quite easy. When I was 10, my parents got divorced and my mother left us. My father, my brother and I were left alone. Then he hired a maid because he couldn‘t work and take care of the house and us kids. I was getting bad in school and always came back with poor grades. He yelled at me and wouldn’t talk to me for a few days or sometimes weeks.
I took care of my brother when my father or his maid weren’t around. I guess it was exhausting, but I don’t remember much from this age (0-14). I was told that my brother ran after my mother when she left us.

When I grew up, I showed the first symptoms of bpd. Of course I didn’t know it by then, but now I know, at the age of 24.
things got difficult and worse, and I didn’t like myself, nor was I happy.

I didn’t know that I was allowed to have needs. Feelings. I didn’t know what love was, I didn’t know I could ask for help. I didn’t even know there were emotions.

I was terrified of making mistakes because of the silent treatment. However, years later he started to date a women from parship. Apperently they liked each other and still do. She was..different. Speaking directly and giving me orders don’t work on me.
My walls were all up and I wasn’t even close to put them down.
At the age of 20 or 21 (I don’t remember) I moved out, to my mothers place. It was horrifying. But I made it to my own apartment with my girlfriend (we both have own apartments) and I’m definitely more happy like this.
I cut contact with my mother and brother, but there is my dad and his cancer.

On Friday I had to see him to change tires, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I felt guilty. I found myself in my people pleasing copy mechanism.
However, his girlfriend wouldn’t want to say hello because „I don’t want to spend more time with them, we don’t have to discuss this now“.
I hate her. I’m sorry, but for one time I have to admit it.

His Life expectancy depends on the cancers growth at the end of chemo therapy. Mabye three months, mabye six, mabye longer. But I don’t know. He doesn’t know.

And I’m worried.
I’m worried that I’m the worst person on earth.

But I have bpd and I can’t control my episodes. And right now I feel like a fool writing this (I don’t even know if I am going to post this)

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Pain #silenttreatment #peoplepleasing #traumaresponse #Traumatized #help

I can't work for abusive people anymore. Nearly every job I've had is toxic to traumatizing. I'm trying to sell my art directly, but overwhelmed with the business side and shutting down with high PTSD symptoms. I am applying for disability again, but it's not solving food and shelter now. I need help!I can't make rent again. I'm alone and drowning facing eviction every month.

#CPTSD #developmentaltrauma #Disabled #housingcrisis #toxicworkplace #ChronicDepression #exhausted #toxicfamily

I'm struggling so much today, I woke up to complete panic and then sobbed. My husband and I live in a very toxic house (in laws and can't afford to move) and I'm not sure if I can participate in Christmas day because of my mental health right now. I'm sure everyone (other than my husband) will hate me for that and talk about me behind my back. Im just so done with everything. #Bipolar #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #Family #toxicfamily #Christmas #Depression #overwelmed #MentalHealth

#Trauma #toxicfamily #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #IntergenerationalTrauma