ChronicPainSyndrome

Here I am. Invited by the founder, reluctant yet holding on to a small piece of hope to meet and engage genuinly with real humans wherever you are. I was an active younger woman, now permanently disabled and fighting to not lose my Tigger mindset in my Eeyore body. I have few friends and emigrated to a new country 19 years ago, that is I am from the USA and live in Sweden. I am a writer, a mother of a young adult transitioning from m2f and have had very unhealthy relatonships with my biological parents both as a child and as an adult. I have extreme anxiety, am an empath, I have been feeling others emotions and trying to help them since I was a very litte child. I love animals, have two bunnies and I am mostly writing on my blog or laying on the sofa by the fire or in bed with a netflix film. I am sad that I still can't get passed the hurdles which may lead me to a healthier self image. I don't really know how to begin, so I will end.#Lonliness #Anxiety #ChronicPainSyndrome #Depression #physicalabuse #mentalabuse #SexualAbuse #holidayblues

This weekend i did 2 watercolors of my nephews. I'll have to post the other another time. I haven't watercolored in decades, and, even then, it was not portraits. But it felt nice to play with the paint. Heading out in a while for the 2nd in a series of 6 epidurals in my neck as a trial for my next procedure. They are so painful >.< One step closer to getting my nerve endings burned for relief, hopefully! The things we do for pain relief. 😑 #ChronicPain #ChronicPainSyndrome #chronicmigraine #ChronicMigraineSyndrome #FamilialHemiplegicMigraine #SpinalStenosis #AnkylosingSpondylitis #spinalcordstimulator #watercolor #Art #ArtTherapy

Let me travel the road in the midst of the throng
Where suffering humanity goes
The ones who are poor, alone, and diseased
And may I help shoulder their woes.

Let me open my eyes where heartaches abound,
May I lift them to God in my prayers.
When troubles are many and friendships are few
May they find Someone who cares.

I kept this baby colt this year, my unicorn. I dream that I’ll ride him some day and we will have adventures. But today we only walked half as far, the bone on bone in my knee said “no farther or you’ll pay”. He was gentle. He’s learning to slow down to match my pace. I chose a calm colt, one that won’t challenge me more than I can handle. Yet for every yank on the rope is another hour I won’t sleep due to neck pain. Every time I bend over to clean a hoof adds up to a future injection or surgery. My hands ache and my feet are anxious. My chest tightens with anxiety of not being good enough. Not strong enough. But today the sun was warm while the wind was biting. The sunset glorious warns of freezing temperatures to come. My colt relaxed and grazed. A hand on his furry head took all worries away. I don’t live well most days. I don’t live at all without my horses. He is there. Someday I will step up on him just like I do his grandmother - with no fear. An initial jolt of pain takes my breath away, then my body remembers those youthful days riding for hours. It melts into the horse. My mind becomes the sunshine, the trees. I don’t want to get down. Getting off is the hardest part because I can’t walk! I need my unicorn. I’m always pain free when I ride, gazing to the distance, gliding. The doctors don’t understand why I can’t quit horses. #ChronicFatigue #Osteopenia #ChronicPainSyndrome #Osteoarthritis #hyperaldosteronism #TraumaSurvivors #DegenerativeDiscDisease #Insomnia