depression symptoms

Yesterday I was recovered from the Horrible Cat Vomit Storm of October 2021 and did well with my new checklist, but without the enthusiasm of Day One. Today I woke up so sore everything hurt, which was exhausting. I still got about half of my checklist items finished. All I cared about was getting rid of the pain. It was a 6 for me—so distracting it was hard to think. Plus my brother stressed me out by dropping clues that he plans to go looking abroad for his fake online boyfriend who I already proved is a scammer. He doesn’t care.

So anyway, yeah. That really cranks up my depression/anxiety/fibromyalgia discomforts. And there’s even more stress that I just swallow daily, so my nest makes a lot of very compelling arguments for why that’s where I should be. I definitely self-medicate with apathy.

But my wanting to break the apathy habit is also for me and my well-being, demmit. I have made my nest the center of my life now for three years!! I have been healing from trauma, sure, but I need more than this for myself. I have more that I want to do, so I am struggling through whatever it takes to reclaim my life—for ME! I don’t want to lose the ability to choose someday.

I just have to keep trying as hard as it takes to make this Apathy Toolkit work better than helping me be productive only every other day. The Daily Checklist needs adjustments. Honestly, trying to shower every single day feels a bit out of reach for me right now. Heh. Just trying to keep it real for the good of the group. I figure that if I force myself to be honest for you then I’ll know I’m not just fooling myself.

I revived an old habit of writing notes to myself in sharpie on my bathroom mirror (It easily comes off with rubbing alcohol or other non-abrasive solvent cleaner.) The picture I posted of it had to be on an angle so you could see the words. First a big red heart that my face appears inside when I stand in front of the sink. Near the bottom it says, “Don’t let apathy own you.” At the top is this: “Have you… -Brushed your teeth -Brushed your hair -Washed your face …today?”

Tell me about your apathy.

#apathy #Depression #lowenergy #Productivity #Success #crash #Fibromyalgia #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #tired #Caffeine #lighttherapy #DepressionSymptoms #DepressionNaps #MajorDepression #SeasonalDepression #Lazy #notlazy #nope #Emptiness #FibroFog #LifeLessons #LifelimitingIllness #getthingsdone #toolkit #apathetic #BipolarDisorder

Nobody knows how hard it is to have no control over your emotions. Having to have mood swings with pregnancy, dealing with a high risk and bipolar2. Taking no pills and doing no therapy. If only you can see the inside of my brain, the thoughts, the dreams, the memories it has. Nobody with a normal brain will ever understand even if they see videos or read books. But you know what? Just as physical health is important mental health is as well. You can't see it but you can feel it. I write my feelings down it control my mood but I would love someone who can listen without judging or assuming. Someone understanding, someone who really cares about my brain, my thoughts, my mental health. Somebody who will be there to support you and not put you down or tell you this is wrong and that's not ok. Depression is no joke, it's not you it's your brain controlling your mind and feelings. Telling you how to feel today. Dark clouds over your eyes not letting you see to know where your walking and making you guess when you will see light again. #pregnant #Prematurity #mom #premature baby stress #EarlyIntervention

Yeah, so… oops! A week went by without much progress. I don’t even know why. All of the things I wanted to get done, it just… didn’t happen. When I realized I had been duped by apathy again I wanted to stick my tongue out at it in defiance. Then after I took my photo for this post and looked at it, I realized it was more like apathy was sticking it’s tongue out at me instead, from my own face. Ha. Joke’s on me.
This struggle is real.
I have a new week to try to push through it. Days are getting shorter so I have been faithful with my therapy lamp every morning for 30 minutes. I have my Mooji meditation to hold anxiety at bay. I’m eating well but still don’t get out to walk. It has been overcast for days, too, with actual rain today, but that shouldn’t stop me. But it does.
This group is growing. That’s encouraging. Share your struggles with apathy. Giving voice to them is powerful. 🌻
#apathy #ChronicDepression #Depression #DepressionSymptoms #DepressionNaps #MajorDepression #SeasonalDepression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #Lazy #nope #empty #Emptiness

I almost made a huge mistake. Well actually I DID make a mistake. Now I’m facing any heartache that may come because of the off the cuff decision I made.

I made a quick + rash decision today. And followed through with it for HOURS. I was so committed to it. Trying to convince myself it was going to be ok. It was the “right” thing to do. That no one would be hurt. That this is what’s best for me + my recovery.

I even went as far to make up this elaborate lie to my place of work so I could bail on a HUGE, once a year department meeting. I’ll have to keep you updated if I have a job still.

I’ve been working on buying a house for a year. I completely forgot my commitment (to my Self) that I was going to look at a house tonight and forgot about my house goals for tomorrow.

I’m still learning about my illness apparently. My destructive behaviours + patterns. Fuck is this painful. This is bad.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #DepressionSymptoms #ChronicDepression #BPDDiagnosis