Losing a Parent

During the months when I am losing my mother (I don't know what will remain of me afterwards), I feel I touch the core of the BPD problem: the constant and pervasive state of partial detachment from one's life and the expectation that sooner or later someone else will appear to deal with it instead of us, to give us instructions about what to do with it. Life does not belong to us and we do not belong to life which for others is so clear that it belongs to us. Feet do not weigh on the earth and hands do not grasp what we need, The ability to grasp our life, that's what we miss. This is why we find it so difficult and wasteful of energy to do something coherent to build a life, to take care of it. For this, we become addicted because we are waiting. The origin? Bad emotional communication from which we defended ourselves with a sense of detachment, with a readiness not to let us belong. And now that the one who wanted to decide for me the meaning of (my) things and (my) emotions is dying, I must urgently learn to die before I have ever learned to live. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DBT #dependency #attachment #LosingAParent #Borderline depression

#LosingAParent

He’s only been gone for a week and a half. I watched him die, but I still can’t believe it’s real. Everything happened so fast, yet so painstakingly slow at the same time. He was diagnosed with stage IV cancer at the end of August and I knew there was only one way things could possibly go. He’d made it almost 10 years since his last bout with stage IV cancer, but he didn’t take care of himself at all since then or go to the doctor until things had progressed too far this time. I took care of him for as long as I could, but the emergency room trips and the constant stress became too much for me to handle, so we decided to move him into a short term care facility closer to his doctors. That’s when things got really bad. With covid numbers rising, the facility stopped allowing visitors and he was all alone in there until he went to the ER for the last time. We weren’t allowed to visit because of covid and he was too weak to hold the phone up for more than a minute or two the last few days. Then, I got a call from his doctor saying that my sister and I should come as soon as we could. I didn’t realize the last time I talked to him would be the last time I’d ever really talk to him. By the time I got to the hospital, he was so out of it he wasn’t making much sense. And now he’s gone. I thought I was handling it pretty well, but I’m really not. I feel lost in a world where my dad doesn’t exist. I feel responsible for making his last couple weeks more miserable than they needed to be. I wish I could’ve been stronger. I feel so many things right now, but mostly I feel alone.
#Grief #LosingAParent #regrets

#Grief On Thursday I found out my my dad's long cancer had spread to his brain. The doctors gave him 2 months at most. Over the weekend he has already gotten dramatically worse. I went to see him yesterday even though I wasn't meant to due to Covid restrictions. I had to go say goodbye to him before he goes. He means the world to me. He also told me that I am worthy of love, it's like he knew exactly what I needed to hear when even I didn't. He always knew what to say to me. He made me feel loved when I felt like the whole world hated me. I am going to miss him so much.
I know that I can keep going after he's gone because he taught me how to. He taught me that it's not a weakness to lean on others for strength. He taught me that even if I can't or don't love myself that others love me because I am worthy of being loved.
We are all worthy of being loved, by ourselves and others. #worthy #Selflove #LovingOthersAsWellAsOurSelves

Hi guys,

Does anyone else have dark thoughts constantly? I knew I was relapsing when I started to wake up every morning and feel sadness- not just any sadness but the deep dark cloud of sadness like something awful is about to happen. Last year my Dad died and I remember waking up every morning for a couple months after he passed and all of a sudden I would remember and BOOM, it was like a tractor trailer hit me- every single morning, for a couple months. That was a year and a half ago. I felt good for the past year but over the last couple months I have relapsed. Some days I wake up and I tell myself nothing is wrong but still I feel like something terrible is about to happen! It’s exhausting. I am constantly creating situations in my head where my pets die, my family and friends die and I have never been afraid to die myself but over the last month or so I’ve been getting panic attacks like I’m going to die and it freaks me out. My dad has a heart attack and died suddenly and we never really got to fix our relationship before he passed. It haunts me every day. I keep thinking how he had no idea when he woke up on that Monday morning that he would never see Tuesday morning. It haunts me. It’s weird- death, so permanent. The featured article today inspired me to open this conversation. I am bipolar and people that don’t suffer have no idea how hard it is to have a cloud over your head. I try to talk to myself and others and assure myself that nothing is wrong, it’s a good day, everyone is happy and healthy. But still I feel death creeping around the corner. It may be I am still dealing with my father’s untimely death. Anyone else? Any recommendations for how to move on from this? It’s a very numb feeling. I feel very lonely. Thank you to this community for being there for me when I feel this way.
#CheckInWithMe #BipolarDepression #Death #LosingAParent #BipolarDisorder

Popping in here because I'm starting to feel a little crazy... So basically, my mom passed away in October. In the beginning, of course, there were the feelings of expecting to see her everywhere, not being able to fully process she was gone, etc. and sometimes that still comes up (often I'll find out some tidbit of information and think, "I should tell Mom about this. No, wait..."). I also had trouble remembering her healthy because I'd spent so much time around her when she was sick. I was more or less prepared for that because everybody talks about it and accepts it as normal. The problem I'm dealing with now is that sometimes I try to remember her or what it was like to have her there and I just... can't. It's only been about six months, but already I have to work to remember her face or voice, and often race to pull up a picture, audio recording, or video to remind myself that she existed. Like, I do remember her, but it almost feels like I'm thinking about an imaginary friend I used to have or something. My Dad and I have kind of settled into a routine (I still live with him), and it's not like we don't remember or miss her, but there are times when somehow it feels like she's just always been gone. Maybe that's my brain settling into a "new normal," but I find it kind of disturbing. Especially since I was one of her primary caretakers for her last year, so my life kind of revolved around her (by choice), and we were around each other basically all the time before that. I feel like I should be able to remember her without trying. Has anyone else experienced this? Any tips on how to deal with it? (I have Lyme disease and depression, so I'm sure both of those mess with my memory, but this just feels like a whole new level that I don't like.) #Grief #Loss #LosingAParent #Memory #LymeDisease #Depression #MemoryLoss

I have come face to face with my monster. You can be jealous of something that someone has or is. It pains and eats at you that you can't or don't have what they have. You may wish for nothing more than that one thing. I have come to realize that my hostility and negative feelings towards my in-laws are really just feelings of sadness and envy that I mask so I don't have to face the fact that there are people that genuinely care about me and they are not trying to be my mother just being my family. They can be my family and my mom will always be my mom. Even if I can't spend time with her for the holidays or call her to talk when something's wrong I can with them and that's ok. I can't keep punishing them and ultimately myself emotionally because she's not here. It's not fair to anyone. #Grief #LosingAParent

Has it really been that long already? As fast as the time flew I wish my healing would too. I never thought I was going to make it 2 years without you never mind 10. Every holiday, birthday, special occasion, and major life event you're on my mind but it seems you're fading away. I try to keep you're memory alive but I feel I am drowning in my own grief and struggle to keep my head above water. People throw me life rafts but they seem just out of reach. How can I express myself about something I still don't understand why it happened? They say time heals everything but there doesn't seem to be enough hour glasses in the world to help with my hurt. I just want my mom back. #Depression #Grief #LosingAParent