negative thoughts

I am at the lowest point I have ever been. I've tried to fix things with the love of my life, my favourite person. But my lies and arguments have ruined it all again. And he actually wanted to come and get me. He wanted to take me 'home'.

He lives in the UK, I live in the Netherlands. We've had a long distance relationship and have been planning our future for a while. But I lied and argued on a daily basis.

On top of that I've been cutting myself a lot lately. My mental health has never been this bad and now he wants nothing to do with me again. I started smoking again. Even though I promised I wouldn't. I have wasted my money and now I have nothing left.

I'm currently staying at a shelter, which costs me €6,00 a day. And I can't pay for that. So I have asked for help to get in a better financial position. I don't see a way out anymore. I wanted to be with him and I ruined it all.

I've basically destroyed my own future. Because I have no idea how to get financially and mentally stable whilst I have nothing and no one anymore. I would love to get back to work, but I just can't. Besides, who would hire someone who's arm is covered in fresh cuts!? For the past days I've been cutting myself daily. It feels like it's an addiction. The pain gives me a relief. It almost feels good.

Someone told me today to keep breathing and that everything will be alright. But all I can think about is that I don't want to be breathing anymore. I'd rather be 6 feet under the ground.

As a figure of speech, I've already dug the whole. So it just needs to be covered with dirt. I'm so far down that I can barely see the light from above anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I wany my partner back. I want to be with him, but he hates me. My family hates me. The friends I had hate me.

Maybe they're all right. Maybe I'm just a psycho. Maybe I am a toxic, narcissistic, abusive bully. All the while I've been bullied for almost my entire life. I hate myself... And I wish I could cut myself deeper to just end it all. I can't even count the cuts on my arm anymore...

#depressed #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Love #Family #Friends #Broken #Selfharm #Suicide #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts

The past week I've tried making amends with people from the past. First a very good friend I've had with whom I had a great connection. I chose my relationship over him after he and my ex-partner A.T. had a small fight. My ex didn't want to apologize for his behaviour and after that the friendship basically ended.

I've also tried getting in touch with my grandparents now my long distance relationship has ended. He told me that my other ex told him that my grandparents took his side after the divorce. I believed him and closed myself completely off from them. I sent them a card and some flowers, and last night I found out through my ex that hey threw them away...

My long distance ex has ruined so many things for me. He has destroyed my mental health and my entire life. Meanwhile he's acting like it's all my fault and that he's the victim. But he still has everything and everyone. He still keeps attacking me and told me that no one likes me, loves me or wants me.

I'm trying to move on and forget about it all... but right now I'm so triggered. And I can't find a good way to calm down my thoughts. It's like a war in my head right now. And the thoughts that keep popping up the most is "it's better when I'm dead"...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Friends #Love #AbusiveRelationship #Relationships #IntrusiveThoughts #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

It's been almost 2 weeks since the last time that I've cut myself. I'm currently in since a dark place and it feels like I'm not getting out of it. Stupid thing is that things are getting "better". There's finally some progress in getting my benefits so I don't have to work for a while. The supervisors from the dayshelter are helping me find a place to live. I even have an appointment tomorrow with a landlord to discuss possible apartments or rooms. We've even talked about this building where you have your own room, but it's partly under supervision. Which would be amazing for me.

But even though there are these positive things going on, I'm falling back. I've been drinking more again, after being sober for almost 2 years.

And today I've cut myself again.

Why do I keep doing this? And how do I get out of this dark place that I'm in?

I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore... I wish I could just dissappear. I want it all to be over. I want it all to end...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm #depressed #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

... Sundays seem to be the day my mind wanders & overflows itself with "I should do this.." "what ifs" "I need to do this.." & other random things.

My Sunday job gives me the opportunity to let my mind go it's own way yet I can't act on those "ideas" & what not til I get home, obviously. Annoying thing tho, when I get home, my mind shuts completely off & nothing gets accomplished.

I journal at night & some times, I "yell" at myself for allowing sabotage vibes take control. I "yell" at myself for not following thru with the plans I originally made.

Every Jan. 1st, I come up with a word for the year & this year I've chosen "Accountability." Start holding myself accountable for my own actions. My own self sabotage. My own doings. I want all this in my life & yet I don't follow thru for the most part. Accountability is something I've needed to focus on for some time now! This yr, it's time.

I've made a list of 300 things I'd love to accomplish this year. Have I read it to myself in the morning since Jan. 1st? No, I have not! See why I chose that word? Lol. Have I done any of my daily intentions or daily chores I've set out to accomplish for that day, no I have not.

My inner world is so broken. Trying to heal & fix cycles that have been on repeat for so long, that ish is hard to demolish. It's like taking a tiny hammer to some very strong cemet bricks & no progress is made. I need my sledgehammer.

My Sunday Thoughts have been a thing for some time now. Trying to carry them into the week is not easy for me. All I do is beat myself up. Therapy has helped some on how to flip the switch of negative talk to positive, but I find myself quickly sinking to the bottom of the negative.

Speaking of therapy, when new wounds are open, those trigger next day emotions that some days lead to a few days in a row. Journaling those specific emotions is a release to an extent. Insomnia comes out of the woods & is like, let's play. Again, my mind wanders to whatever is thrown its way... nvr ending cycle.

You know that story, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie..... the lil guy remembers so much with every task he's given & leads to more tasks... that's how I feel most days & nights. Mind is non stop!

..... just like this post. I can just keep going with whatever is on my mind, but I'm not going to. Ugh. My life. My life of a wandering mind. My life of trying to calm thy mind..

#Anxiety #Depression #Insomnia #IntrusiveThoughts #Migraines #Therapy #Healing #CheckInWithMe #Chatspace #GAD #PTSD #Undiagnoused #NegativeThoughts

I can’t sleep my mind is racing with deep negativity. Last night I hugged my mom and it felt great. I’m usually not a hugger. I really wish I could wake her up and hugged her. She means so much to me. She is my best friend. She is my biggest supporter. I don’t know what I will do without her. I journaled 3 pages so far and posted online for a depression group I’m an admin in. The cat is trying to comfort me. I’m very proud of myself though. Yesterday at the mall I didn’t by anything besides my Starbucks. I could have very easily maxed out my credit card at Nordstrom. But I didn’t

You of course need to think and feel the #NegativeThoughts .But don't stay to long in the stink whole. #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Depression #Anxiety #LearningDisability #Faith