ToxicShame

A wonderful woman I dated introduced me to John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame That Binds You. She had a 2-cassette tape of one of his events that we'd listen to on weekend road trips. It was a healing relationship for me.

Bradshaw introduced me to the term Toxic Shame. It resonated when I listened to him speak of deep raw wounds are as fresh as the day of occurrence and view your true self as defective. I've always believed that at my core there was something wrong.

As with much of my recovery, I didn't do much to investigate more (you know, read the book) and see how to handle this. As with most information, I went "OOH OOH" and claimed I knew a little more about me, another identification, but little concerted effort to actually change.

I'm incredibly fortunate enough to have found a therapist where I'm ok letting things go. I'm still guarded, but the work I've been able to do with her is what I've needed for over 30 years.

I'm actually reading posts and articles on different sites as they're suggested to me. Again, not a lot of initiative to seek it out.

If I've got it right, I'm at a point where my therapist is providing a space where I'm experiencing my idealistic vision of a good mother. Imagine the unconditional acceptance that a mother gives a 3-yr old. My narcissistic mother blew that opportunity when I was around 4 or 5. As I said, I'm fortunate to be able to feel that acceptance.

It's a bummer to realize how my programming has impacted my life line.

I'm not proud of some of my past.

I scraped by thru school. Stayed awake in enough College classes to regurgitate the info back and pass tests and get a degree.

Longest I've held a job: 5 years (twice) I'm pushing 60. I have some unique responses when asked why I left a position. Can't just say 'They canned me cause I wasn't doing the work'.

There MUST be something wrong with me.

All the social gaffe's that still burn as if I just said the words,

the history of using people,

the objectification of women,

the lack of respect to others.

There has GOT TO BE something wrong with me to be like this. There has been:

My programming.

There's nothing wrong with ME

I sat and slowly wrote that on a piece of paper 10 times. I find writing very effective for transfer of energy, in this case helping to release grief and sadness. I've had great success with creation using pen to paper, but that's for another time.

I've been wanting to share like this. Amazing what some effort will do for you.

#narcissisticmom #ToxicShame #healingstory #Acceptance #Lettinggo

I know not of who will find this
Or if it might just be too late,
These words penned in the dark of night
Amid a pain nothing could shake.

You see I struggle everyday
To live life in the here and now,
Yet triggers flare up unhealed wounds
Which knock my ass right to the ground.

Exhaustion spreads like wildfire
Burns deep within, scarring my soul,
That little girl soon begs and pleads
To save her from the rabbit hole.

So then I bandage each new wound
Though my first aid kit's running low,
On salve to soothe when flames ignite
A past which keeps those sparks aglow.

Intrusive thoughts start beckoning
Flashbacks and nightmares run abound,
I wonder if time ever will
Sew of these thorns into a crown.

Still I remain grateful for all
Which God has taught me in this phase,
But toxic shame seemingly clings
To every artery and vein.

My wish to whom it may concern
When this is read, I'm fast asleep,
And will awake with you still there
To dry my tears as we both weep.

By: Debra Brent
12/30/2020

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Suicide #SuicideAwareness #PersonalityDisorders #PTSD #CPTSD #ToxicShame #Shame #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Poem #writer #poet #Poetry #ArtTherapy #BipolarDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #Fear #youarenotalone #BorderlineStigma #Loneliness

We mask of self doubt with sarcasm
And life's fear with the "I don't care's",
Push away all of those who get too close
Afraid they might strip our hearts bare.

We mask of our wants cause it hurts
To admit we are worthy of needs,
We mask hidden sorrow inside
By the cuts on our skin which still bleed.

We mask to ourselves through each lie
To keep what is the truth at arm's length,
We mask all we don't wish to bear
Cause we've yet to see of our own strength.

We mask the root causes of pain
But distraction's only a delay,
Holding back every tear in our eyes
Thinking nobody cares anyway.

Yet our comfort zone's what we allow
To stay stuck where one does not belong,
If we'd just give ourselves the permission
Utilize what's been there all along.

For we hold our own power to shed
Every toxic thought strangling our throats,
Because once we become vulnerable
Unmasked you'll found courage and hope.

By: Debra Brent
03/18/2020

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #CPTSD #Depression #Suicide #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Healing #MentalHealth #Therapy #Poetry #poet #ArtTherapy #healingisfeeling #youmatter #vulnerability #courage #Hope #masks #hurting #Pain #Anxiety #Cutting #SelfDoubt #selfcare #Shame #ToxicShame

Are you familiar with the term “toxic shame”?

“I am useless/I am destructive/I am a failure/Nobody will ever really love me/I am ugly and stupid/I am an awful person”

I am pretty sure that most people here, like me, often feel that way.
Well guess what? It’s all in your head, none of that is true, so please snap out of it if you feel any of that, and love yourself a little more today.
Who wants to be one of those shallow, empty people with nothing to say anyway?

PS: I just want to spread some positivity to you beautiful people, as I woke up with a positive and peaceful head today, it doesn’t happen that often.

#ToxicShame #positivemind

I've spent my life believing I'm not worthy of love
I never thought I was someone I could be proud of
I've been ignored by many and loved by none
Afraid of being beaten, broken and lonesome
I've felt helpless, hopeless, unimportant and undeserving
Insecure, insignificant, empty, good for nothing
A tornado of emotions swirling inside of me
With the misery and torment of what my life has come to be

Poem I wrote several months ago about what it's like for me to live with PTSD Depression and toxic shame due to a mixture of childhood sexual abuse and constant bullying in school #MyCondition #MightyPoets #ToxicShame #Depression #Bullying #AbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #PTSD