It's been a hot minute since I've been here, much less posted. I went into a very deep depression and my eating disorder was having fun reaking havic. Both of my therapists colluded and said it was either a residential treatment center or a phych ward because I wasn't eating and didn't care about life. So off I went to Miami, leaving my husband, son, and granddaughters behind again. It was in Miami that I finally found myself, buried under the trauma, familial and societal rules, acnd religious indoctrination of my youth. I had a huge crush on a staff member, my first real crush on a woman. It left me confused, excited, and very curious about what it was I was feeling. So with the help of my therapist I dug deep and finally found myself after 34 years of gestation. I was gay, I knew it at 14 and buried it, but now I was no longer willing to stay miserable in a hetero relationship, I wasn't going to rebury myself. I was so excited, still am, about exploring myself. I knew this would also be painful, and it has been in some ways. I am getting divorced after 30 years, my son didn't talk to me for 7 weeks, I had to move in with my parents whom don't accept my sexuality but love me, and my oldest granddaughter (4) had really struggled with the separation. And I'm still happier now than I have ever been in my life. I can now say that I love myself and mean it. I'm taking care of myself in ways that I never have before. Most of my depression and anxiety are just background noise most days. I've found healing that has evaded me for 44 years and forgiveness for carrying shame that wasn't mine to carry. I can now proudly stand up and say that I'm Paula, I love myself, I'm proud of who I am, and I am a lesbian. Life is good.
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