esa

When does it slow down?
Does it ever get tired?
Why me?
What’s wrong with me?

Ever since I was let go from my job in an email no less, the only place someone could find me is at home. I don’t go anywhere unless I absolutely have to, and even with that, Hunter my #esa dog HAS to be with me with one of my sons to keep me calm while I drive. My sons help me a lot which I’m always grateful, but I also feel guilt of having to ask them to help me with things I should be able to do myself.

If home delivery is possible and at a reasonable price, I would do that instead of saving even more money by going myself. I haven’t seen my PCP since I think October, and I haven’t been in a dentist chair close to a year. Besides my grandma and my two sons who live with me, I’m only fully comfortable being face to face with my best friend who I’ve known since we were basically in diapers, and she’s the only one I’d let come over to my house uninvited.

I get #Anxiety thinking of other uninvited guests. I get anxiety when my phone rings, or when I receive mail. I get anxiety when my mom or aunt asks me through text what’s going on with me.

I get #PTSD when random thoughts of disasters enter my mind… fire, tsunami, the mountains I live between erupting, or thoughts of what if whenever my sons want to go out (I still let them, but it annoys me that I have to tell them to text me to and from places so I know they’re okay). When I think of people I knew that passed from illnesses that were caught too late, which turns to me thinking what if it happens to me. Then to me not wanting anything to happen because I don’t ever want to leave my sons.

Having my sons changed a lot of how I think, and my #mentalwellbeing doesn’t take me to that dark place like it used to way before I became a mom. I want to stay here and see my boys excel in life and grow up to be amazing men. I want to see them have their own family… I seen too many loved ones dying to not want that happen to myself.

I’m trailing off again, so I’m going to put on soothing music and lay down with my dog Hunter… did I mention that late at night by myself, I sometimes feel alone?

Anyway… I’m always wishing for anyone dealing with similar things, wishing them #Positivity and #strength to tackle each day one at a time. #weareloved #wematter #wearenotdefinedbyourillness #EndTheStigma #mentalhealthmatters #MentalHealthAwareness

I’ll have #Gooddays & I’ll have bad, though I’m still constantly struggling with my #innerself daily. There are a lot of things I know I have to do, but either my #Anxiety gets worked up, or I’ll try to get it done, or I tell and/or give myself reminders & still somehow end up forgetting about it or I’ve become distracted.

I’ve noticed that my train of thought can now go all over the place. Which is why I now have a lot of notebooks that I could use if I needed to let it out.

When it comes to phone calls I need to make, or appointments to schedule… I spend hours worrying about the #Start - #during - & #End of the whole thing. Before I know it, I can’t call because they’re now closed. Of course now I’ve become #Irritated & #angry at myself.

It never used to be this hard. I know I need to find a job, even IF the job I had #terminated me in part of my #MentalIllness . I feel stuck with no #Positivity in site. & It doesn’t help that even with or without my anxiety ramping up, my #Pride will not let me ask for help.

But…
•I give myself a ‘thumbs up’ daily for getting out of bed.
• I cheer when I have motivation to shower.
• I pat myself on the back, in my mind of course… when I do laundry & put them away.

I still struggle with driving anywhere if I’m alone. Hunter, who is my furbaby soulmate, but also my #esa is always by my side, & either one of my sons or sometimes both would join me so I’m not freaking out while driving on the road.

I feel #Guilt that I’m not being the mom that they need me to be. I feel bad every single time I ask them for help (when I’m getting #overwhelmed trying to tidy up the house). I am mad that my #breakdown caused me to fail in my performance at work & that I #Struggled to do the things they asked of me (because I was never informed from the start that there was info that they could show me & help me with #FMLA ‘cause it would’ve been easy back then to get things in order than it was a couple of months ago). I felt #invisible . I felt my #Voice didn’t matter. I tried… all by myself… in the end, the company I loved working at didn’t give a … about me.

I’m sorry for ranting about nonsense. :(

This is me, and my Figaro. He is one of our three cats. We got him for a birthday/Christmas present for my oldest son. But when he went to live with his dad for a bit, he told me that I could keep him, because of the bond that Figs and I had built. He is my buddy. When I’m sad, or feeling out of control, he always loves on me extra. He’s my cuddle bug anyway, but he always knows when I need a little more love. Mine and my wife’s little fur babies complete my heart. When I was younger, my mom never let me keep pets for too long, so I never knew that you could love a critter as much as your own children. Along with my 2 teenage sons, my wife and I share our 3 cats; Monkey, Figaro and Naya. 2 rats; Chandler and Joey, and our skinny pig, Walter. We have a full house, but we always have furry little critters to love on, and that helps, now that my human babies are “too big” for me to love on, cuz they think mom lovies are “gross” and “weird” lol

#esa #furbabies #MentalHealth #BipolarII #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #BipolarDepression #PTSD

This is my baby, Bruce. When my sweet bulldog Dunkin died at age 13, it sent me into a spiral of depression and fibro flare. My husband saved up and surprised me with this beautiful boy! We both have anxiety issues, my health problems prevent me from having human children, so he is our baby! He helps calm us so we have the strength to support each other. #esa

I recently invested in getting myself a puppy, within a couple months my life changed dramatically. I lost jobs, friends, a home, and the love of my life. I felt I had no reason to keep going. I felt empty. A shell of a human with nothing left to give. Waking up has been so hard for me and I’ve been battling #suicidal thoughts. But this pup has given me life, a reason to wake up and get out.
I know some might see this as filling a hole but she is the one thing that will never turn her back on me, despite everyone else. Dogs are better than humans anyways 😊

#Trauma #PTSD #Dogs #esa #Caregiving #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #EmotionalSupportAnimal

These are my two unofficial emotional support animals (although it's official in this house!) They're spoiled rotten!
#esa #furbabies #Pets #Dogs #Animals