generalizedanxiety

Anxiety is weird I can be happy and bubbly or funny and having the best time of my life and then sometimes I just crash and have way too many intrusive or negative thoughts, bad self esteem, body image, depression, anxiety attacks or panic attacks. And just bawling my eyes out.

I’m happy for the highs and the lows I’m thankful for both I know they are a part of life. Sometime I question if I’m bipolar or something else too, but I don’t quite fit the criteria, I just think I have too move going on and overwhelmed sometimes but I’m trying my best to be happy while validating my emotions and crying when I need to let it out.

Anyone else feel like they are such an oxymoron in the sense that sometimes I can perfectly relate to my anxiety disorder and other times

It’s like wow I hide it really well, while other times I don’t at all. I Guess it’s normal
We are more than our illness or diagnosis it be physical or mental health or both.

But guess just funny how it works sometimes.

#generalizedanxiety #AnxietyDisorder #weitd #funny #interesting #Thoughts #Curious #whatsboutyou

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I'm so mad. The vent I made didn't get uploaded. I've spent so much time writing it, I can't believe
it didn't upload. It pains me to have to write all of this again.

Firstly, I was sad about another vent post
because it didn't get any reactions. So I deleted
it. It's funny how I say to myself that I don't care
if I don't get any reactions, yet get said when it
actually doesn't get any. I'm sorry for feeling this
way.

Now onto school trauma. I'm 20 and I don't think
that I'll ever finish high school. Not even through
online. I dropped out junior year. They don't
even give a crap about mental health, anyway.
Plus, I'm non-binary, not a girl or boy, and not
many schools, let alone online schools, even have gender neutral options or are even truly that inclusive towards everyone. It's annoying!

I've cried way too many times. I've gotten
suicidal way too many times as well. Especially in
high school. Everytime the teacher gotten upset
with the class or whenever I've gotten unfair
demerits, I wanted out. Those "zero excuses", "watch your character", and those picture comparisons boards of "be sad and dwell on it or
be happy and do something about it" felt mocking to me and felt like I was in prison. There
was absolutely nothing I could do about it except taking off days, not to mention that I was only allowed to take up to 22 to not FAIL. Not to
mention that trying to get the best grades and
being recognized was a trap fallen by myself as
well.

I've gotten a 3-hour detention once for forgetting my gym shows. Gym Shoes! And
everytime I didn't finish my homework (because
of being depressed and having no motivation to
do anything from school), it was 45 minutes
after school just to finish homework, and a 45
minute bus drive home. And yes, I was suicidal
those times, too.

I was on the 504 program this whole time (I have
autism and anxiety), and I received two unfair
demerits for being late returning back to class
because SOME FOLKS used my stuff without my
fucking permission and I was trying to find them.
My "counselor" said to me "you know it's rude to
not talk when someone's talking to you?" I was
already crying in one of the bathroom stalls. I
have fucking social anxiety and autism!! She
knew that!!! Don't. Ever. Force. Me. To. Talk!

Gym class was the absolute worst. So bad that I
was allowed to no longer go there. So bad that I
brokedown when I heard that I had to go down
there for studying for a PE test. Then
I was taken off for the rest of the day and the
next day. However... that one substitute teacher
that the school even had the fucking audacity to
hire again was the worst. He was power-hungry
and everytime one of us doesn't follow a rule or
gets upset with him, he makes all of us do
exercises or would add minutes to an excercise.
You had no idea how much that made me boil.

Not to mention that because I failed one of the
three tests in PE (running a whole mile) in
freshmen year, I had to go to a horrid bootcamp
for 5 days. Fours days with that same horrible
substitute teacher that 1, and I'm pretty sure
every other student there, absolutely despised. He even threatened us to go through some
exercises for not knowing some answers to
movie questions!! Who does that?!?!

My parents were not happy about anything my
high school had to offer, either, especially the
bootcamp. And I got a freaking A in PE but I
guess the tests were more important 😑. Middle
school was shit, too, though pretty less strict. It
was mainly the classmates acting up and the
teacher raising their voice for me. And some
bullies.

I really want to warn everyone about these
schools. I do not recommend these schools at all,
especially if you're neurodivergent. These
schools caused me so much stress and trauma
that I don't even want to finish it. Not even online. And I'm 20 now. I was literally crying
earlier writing this because of the pain that it
has caused me over the years.

#HighSchool #School #Anxiety #Autism #SocialAnxiety #generalizedanxiety #Trauma #SchoolTrauma #anger #sad #SchoolPleaseListenToThis #MentalHealth #venting #Vent

What are some positive songs about moving on in my life? Closing this chapter and onto the next. Songs about healing and growth, moving forward and never looking back?

Thanks in advance for any responses!

#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#generalizedanxiety
#CPTSD
#musicheals
#movingon
#happy
#Positivity

10 months. 10 months of absolutely NO motivation to do anything, even shower. 10 months of not feeling ANY happiness, joy or pleasure. 10 months of NOT leaving the house. 10 months of constant persistent anxiety with NO relief. 10 months of dreading every minute of everyday except for sleep. 10 months of therapy that proves to be of no help. 10 months of taking and trying new meds, enduring horrible side effects all for them not to help. 10 months of fantasying my death because this is just too much to bare. 10 months of loneliness and a non existent support team. 10 months of holding on and just wishing, praying, hoping this will all end and I can feel human again. 10 months of the constant war in my mind. 10 months since I smiled. 10 months since I was a normal mother. 10 months since I’ve lived and not just survived.

Someone please tell me this will end soon. That I will recover and won’t forever be broken. I’ve not spoken to a single soul who has had it this bad for this long. I feel like I’m the only one and that I’m stuck like this forever…
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #generalizedanxiety #CPTSD #10Months #losinghope #DepressiveEpisode

If we’re lucky, we get an average of 2.5 billion heartbeats in our lifetime. Most of the time, my heart beats normally. One lub-dub after another, somewhere between sixty to one hundred beats per minute.

But occasionally, seemingly out of nowhere, the count raises. One hundred. One hundred and five. One twenty. One forty. It’s usually preempted by the tingly-burning feeling in the chest of an adrenaline rush. And it’s loud. My body is tense. My mind races. It would make sense if my life was in actual danger - being chased by a bear or tiger or something - but it happens when I’m sitting and doing nothing. Or when I’m driving. Or when I’m safe. Even when I’m taking a shit. And when it does, it feels like I’m just wasting heartbeats.

When I was told that I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder it felt good to be able to put a name to the thing I dealt with daily and for a long time after, I just coped. I often told people I was fine when I was not. I avoided. I deflected. I projected. Fun fact: the more I’m in an internal battle, the funnier I get. But eventually, coping doesn’t work. Managing it works fine when I have the time and space to do so but falls apart when I have obligations to tend to. The worst timing is when I’m at work.

However, there is no timing. There is no calendar. It just happens. And it gets even more intense when I actually have things going on in life that warrants these stress responses.

I’m exhausted of coping. I’m tired of managing. I need rest. Lots and lots of rest.

If you made it this far, I appreciate you. 🖤