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#AnorexiaNervosa as my only possession in life of #EatingDisorders #traumacoping #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #PTSD

Since I was a child I went through horrible abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, bullying, financial, threatened to be killed by my father and it continued until my adulthood. I am at the moment in a shelter for victims of domestic violence because of my parents. Those who should be your closest one and are most tightly connected by blood did me so much harm that I am no longer living.

When I was 8 or 9 I started developing anorexia. My body was too fat to me. But it is never about food, it's about deep suffering.I was also undiagnosed autistic and when I was 12,13 I started being suicidal and started cutting soon. Actually I was cutting myself for some time when I was like 5,6 with my sibling-because of traumas and my autism.

At 14 I was first time sitting in children psychiatrist's office. I was controlled by my father and mother. I grew up in morbid physical surrounding. My siblings were severely abused for years. Yet nobody came to help, cps, police...

I faked being better, nobody knew for my anorexia, only later few persons from school knew.I was threatened by psychiatrist at that time to be send in basical asylum for children if I don't stop cutting. In the end I ended up in that hell just 2 years after and I have traumas from there. That place is closed permanently or temporary but closed. I started having symptoms of #PTSD as a child but how could anyone notice when my abusers were closest family members and parents. And my growing in cultish "family" trapped me even more to say things and have clear look on what they do to me and my siblings.

I asked for help for anorexia first time when I was 16. It was start of nightmare of "treatments". Never treated for cause, only for consequences. I also started using hard drugs when I was 14. Alcohol was my closest love.I was planning my #Suicide for 4 years. When I was 18 I attempted and experienced clinical death.

That's just part of my hell history but I wanted to point out something.

I was hospitalised for anorexia in 2015. for zilionth time and I remember talking to my mother in one of her visits in such pain, distress "this is MY illness, nobody will take it away from me". Almost yelling and crying. Anorexia was and is only thing I have. Everything else was and is out of control and I found food, 20 years ago, as the only thing that I have choices with and control in my life in all chaos of traumas, abuse and stollen childhood, stollen femininity, stolen parts of me in rapes.

I am with two choices - to ask for help in one place or die.

I don't want to die but I don't want to recover anymore. I wanted that in past. Anorexia is only thing I have. In the end of the day only thing that is here is anorexia, I own it, I have it. It never leaves. It's like having Stockholm syndrome in some weird way.I left drugs and alcohol almost 8 years ago and never used again.

I also have my dog who isn't with me and I grieve that a lot. She cries because of me so much as my brother wrote me and since I recently started losing purpose for staying alive and started wishing to stop this suffering I only don't want to end everything because I don't want for my dog to suffer until she dies.

I am in a shelter for victims of abuse because of my parents and my rapists are walking free in the city. My life stopped even before I was born. I wasn't wanted, I was always one problem in others daily routine, I am their worst problem, I am problem which always had to be resolved.Only thing that keeps me alive is that I can't imagine my lovely dog to suffer because I no longer exist. I am in such suffering that I would say hell on earth is close to this.

I am like a ghost town, ruined to the end from wars and only one ghost exists there-my soul closed in ruins finding no peace, just existing and moving from holes to holes. It's so hard, it's painful physically.

I lost a friend because I am yoo much, became burden to others, too disabled, too much, too big (PERCEIVED) risk to be in relationship with. But I don't want it anymore nor anyone close to me because they will just worse my suffering and I have fear of being raped or abused by men.

I think I will die as a result of anorexia but my life wasn't filled with any worth. I know my parents don't love me. I know everything. But I live because I can't accept that my dog suffers if I off myself. She is my gold, love and everything. She grieves but no person ever spit a tear.

I'm still waiting courts so long with everything I reported. I am dying day by day and investigations as well as all law connected acting is so slow.

I am Catholic, I'm trying to bear suffering best I can, ask for justice and push for myself but I am unwell.

I am seeing one therapist for victims of sexual abuse but I am too destroyed and I don't believe in better life. Nobody can heal my heart and psyche which are ruined. Some things are impossible to repair.

#Anorexia #Rape #Abuse #Survivor #Loneliness #hurt #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

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I’m tired of fighting

I wish I felt better. I wish I was in a better mood. It’s just so hard when you hurt everyday. It use to be that I had several days off a month of no pain. Now it’s constant and I’m getting worn out. I know I’ve been doing too much, I work full-time, I go to school full-time, and I’ve been trying to finalize my parents estate because they recently passed away.
My go to self help were my guitars, but I’m finding it more and more difficult to play. My mental state sucks, bad. I just made an appointment with a mental health clinic through my insurance. I feel like the coping mechanisms I had don’t work.
I hate going to work because one of the best things that make me feel good is my dog and I can’t take him in.
I’m tired……. Anyone else? #tired #hurt #wannagiveup #RheumatoidArthritis #depressed #Needabreak #lookingforhelp #Community #ChronicPain #Anxiety #ChronicFatigue

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I can’t think or remember things I think of

I hear breathing an sometimes soft whispering around me I live alone . When this happens if I am thinking of what to buy to cook dinner , and If I don’t immediately start saying what I want or writing it down the soft breathing moves away and my thoughts go with it , my mind goes blank an I can’t remember what I’m trying to do . I hate it so much and they don’t stop bothering I even telling to leave me alone to go away that I don’t see them and I fell like someone grades or touch’s my butt an I hear them breathing but there is no one with me . I have told a few people about this one one couple responded with your place needs a cleansing. They said sage and something else I don’t remember. And not just that but today as I was on instagram a post comes up it said if you have to tell more then 3 people what you trauma or problems that there is nothing wrong with you that you are just after attention. This made me think because I have talked to more then 3 different people about my trauma/life and not one of them was helpful aside from one lady an we just text never meet each other and I’m still bothered . So idk what to think of that . I just know know so people say weird things is all I can say . #ChronicPain #PTSD #Depression #mentalillnesses #hurt

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Positive Words

Does anyone have any positive things or words that could help someone out? My last three weeks have been horrible and I feel so down right now. I hate to ask but thank you! <33 love="" u="" guys="" #Suicide #hurt

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Reasons to Avoid Being 'Too Good to Be True'

1. People will take you for granted:

People expect you to be there for them, but they don't want you as a wellwisher, sometimes some people use you beyond the limits.

2. You'll miss out on excellent opportunities:

If you're being available for someone by saying "Yes" if you could've said "No" there are chances that you could've spent time on yourself. Chances are you might've accomplished a milestone instead of over-helping someone whose intention is to simply ruin your energy or anything.

3. You'll have a sense of burned-out:

Anyone who uses you may give you tasks that you take a lot of effort to do usually. And, people won't entirely value your efforts. So this eventually kills your comfort line and slowly gives you a sense of burnout.

4. People will diminish the respect they have for you:

Anything available in an extensive amount is taken for granted and less valued. For example, if you go to Gulf countries they take oil for granted for the level of feasibility. But they consider water as a precious gem, while the vice versa happens with the other countries, likewise with people. So, being more available will diminish the respect people have for you.

When you're living this life you'll always crave better attention, respect, care, and love from everyone. But, in reality, just think if all the people that you've helped will visit your grave when you die. If the answer is a " yes" then help them, but have limits. You alone matter more than other people's opinions and care.

#Depression #Trauma #PeoplePleaser #regret #Sadness #selfcare #MentalHealth #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide #hurt

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Feeling down and beyond my limit.

It seems as though I feel shunned by so many people I want and need in my life. Here I am, all alone and just existing on this earth. Yes, I can take care of and support myself but honestly? It’s me, myself, and I navigating this world and not trusting anyone but myself day in and day out.

There’s my rant for the evening. #Depression #Overit #lonely #canttakeitanymore #alone #hurt

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Healer Pains

Healer Pains

Full of Anger and rage
Feeling like I’m a animal locked in a cage
My nature is so misunderstood
Perhaps it’s time to move on from the hood
But I Love my independent city
Even though the committee ain’t take no pity

Isolated and assets frozen
Although they don’t yet know I’m part of God’s chosen
Treated like a hardcore criminal
My poem are definitely subliminal
If you know me, you’ll get it
Ain’t the usual one to quit

I walked away for self protection
So, wouldn’t be forced into flexion
Straight forward as it can be
Though I did flee, At least I’m free
Self love is a priority
Even if I ain’t in the majority

That don’t stop us from doing as we please
Perhaps, why I’m a narcissist that is to be put in a freeze
From trauma and vulnerabilities we came up,
Banged up, beat up - yet we still worked hard and built up
So, why the hate?
And all the jealousy mate?
Took you for free spins and fed you during your worst

You were injured and I was the one to bring you back to health and nursed
And now I’m cursed?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you
One day, you gotta regret it my boo
True love, acceptance and understanding- heck, gave even my soul
Now, all this hurt masking as anger and making feel like a burning coal

Quite the toll, though I thought your love was free
Then, why the hefty fee?
Anger and rage on the front
Amidst a manhunt
Hurt and grief under the front
Perhaps, nows the time to get blunt

Yes, I am fucked up
And the only one who saved me is my pup
You were right, I was stupid
The only mistake I made was chasing Cupid
Don’t know my story yet think they know all
Destroying me so I forget to walk and can barely even crawl

Malicious prosecution and defamation
Think it’s a game of persuasion
It’s nothing more than a crime
To prevent me from the social and corporate climb
You think I forgot, that’s cute
I never forget a learned friend dispute

You know I’m better than you
And that’s a strong fact that’s more than just true
Don’t let simple nature and humble attitude fool you into arrogance
You caused me to lose my soul and become spiritless
The student is now the master
Now that deserves a round of applause and laughter

Karma is a mogul’s game
And though I don’t care for the fame, it ain’t gonna stop me from bringing the claim
Justice is overdue, stayed quiet for too long
Have come closer to being proven wrong
My only regret, had I spoken earlier
I would be worthier

Money is important but my people are my assets
They are the ones to get my out of bad debts
Got my back because we init for ride or die
They ain’t no supply, they real niggas on which we can rely
Now that’s a fact you cannot deny
My team here for the full and permanent long haul

And although right now, I’m back at the stage of crawl
I got the mindset and approach to stay resilient
Cuz I found out way too late that I’m more than just brilliant
Genius and gifted talent, that’s God’s chosen
So, let me give you a glimpse of my life in slow-motion
Watch out cuz this girl’s a tornado, not to be tamed

She won’t remain for much longer chained
It’s time to break free
And I think that’s something y’all agree #heartbreak #Love #Pain #growth #soulpain #selfhelp #SelfHealing #writings #Journaling #feelings #Emotions #validation #hurt #Grief #Loss #Rejection #abandonment #social isolation #punishment #Karma #sins #good #bad

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#Emotions #hurt #Love #Sadness #anxious

LIFE CAN BE TOUGH, WHEN YOU'VE LOST A LOVE YOU RESENT LIFE ITSELF,
WHEN THEY FLOAT ABOVE
OH OUR HEART BREAKS
WE CAN HARDLY BREATHE
HURT OVERWHELMS US SADLY IT NEVER LEAVES

WHEN WILL IT GET BETTER, YOU ASK AGAIN AND AGAIN
THOUGH THE PAIN STILL KEEPS GOING ON,YOU'LL NEVER BE THE SAME
YOU'VE LOST SOMEONE WHO WAS YOUR WORLD, NOTHING CAN BE DONE

NOT AS EASY AS THEY SAY
TIME NEVER HEALS NO ONE
AN ANGEL YOU’RE SEEKING
FEW FEATHERS TO APPEAR
SIGN YOUR STILL NEAR
TEARS THEY NEVER STOP
EVEN WHILE YOU SLEEP
TEARS THEY RUN SO DEEP

OH IM BROKEN & HURT JUST CANT TAKE ANYMORE
I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE
FEELINGS HARD TO IGNORE
REMEMBERING THE TIMES
WHEN WE KISSED BYE BYE
AS YOU DROVE AWAY WE LOVINGLY LOCKED EYES

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Tough Season

I’m walking through a very tough situation. Please pray for me. My job fell through and is now a legal matter. I must move because I have no income. I cannot understand why this is happening. My heart aches.

#hurt #Disappointed

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