losinghope

I am having a really tough time finding the motivation to keep doing anything. I feel like it is so hopeless, what's the point. I have been fighting this illness for 40 years (since I was about 10)

I have been on disability for 4 years. Health benefits ran out last year. My psychologist gives me one session for free every month, but that is definitely not enough, I can't pay for more and I can't make any progress.
This is my 3rd major episode with my MDD in 8 years (each time is worse than the last and I am so tired. I have tried everything, and I mean everything. Meds galore, ECT (which really helped but I won't do it again due to short term memory issues as a result of it), ketamine in conjunction with TMS (unsuccessful) and I am a crap magnet for side effects, like really bad. I had tendonitis in my calf once that wouldn't go away, I went to my doctor and her student came in first and just told me to lose weight( struggled all my life).
I told her I had been at my job for a over a decade, working on my feet, that my weight was stable, and I had not had an injury, no changes at all. She just shrugged so I went researching on all my meds....after hours and days, I found an article that stated that tendonitis was a possible side effect of hormone infused iud. IUD came out and the tendonitis disappeared in a few days.

I can't take sustained release because those make me have the very dark, twisty thoughts. Regular meds are just as tough with other unwanted side effects. I have the 2 meds I am on without side effects. 1 is at the daily max, and I can't tolerate increases of the other. I had to stop taking Xanax for my anxiety because it was causing nocturnal hypoxia, sometimes dangerously low 02. And all the other benzos are ruled out because, like Xanax, they have a very long half life is and that is the problem.

Everybody comes to me to solve things, and yet I can't fix myself, and have an elderly mum to look after. My beloved kitty Willow is 18 and has showed signs that the inevitable is one the way. I don't deal with loss well and she has been my rock for almost 20 years.

I am so tired, just want to give up, and just turn into a blank person who doesn't have to deal, and just stares out the window while slowly waiting for nature to take it's toll when I am 80 something. I feel like I am only existing and not truly living. Picture is of my darling girl Willow.
#MDD #BPD #Anxiety #Insomnia #CPTSD #ChronicPain #treatmentresistant #Dysthymia #losinghope

For quite some time, I have been feeling like the world is rejecting me & doesn’t want me to have a purpose in this world. For Heavens sake I’m 40 years old, when the H** is my life purpose going to go somewhere!! I know I have Screwed up Soooo many times in my life & have blew soooo many opportunities that I unfortunately can’t go back & change, as much as I would love to & would give anything to go back & change things & I Regret it every second of Everyday.

I’m beginning to wonder if there is still any hope to hold onto….Over the last 2 months I have been meeting with my supported employment worker & she is supposed to be helping me work towards becoming a Mental Health Attendant Care Worker or a Mental Health Youth Care Worker but to be quite honest, it’s just not moving fast enough…which is piss poor on her part because she’s supposed to be working on my resume & getting it all set up but Still after Several weeks has yet to finish it so I can start applying to Mental Health agencies to be an Attendant Care Worker or a Mental Health Youth Care Worker.

All the while, I called a woman’s battered shelter & asked to volunteer there to help other women gain stability in there life & mentor & be an advocate for other women who have been in the same situation as me & have suffered trauma. But sadly, I have yet to receive a call back & it’s been over 2 weeks since ive gotten in contact with them inquiring about a volunteer position. I’m to the point of being done waiting because obviously they don’t want me or else I would have received some type of phone call….I can’t express how discouraging all of this is….

It’s like this world has a force against me & doesn’t want me to succeed. Maybe I don’t have a purpose in life. I feel like this is All my life is going to be is a wife & Mother….Not that, that is a bad thing. I Love my Girls More than Anything in this World but I also need to do something for myself that makes me feel good about myself & that will keep my mind busy & improve my mental health & depression & keep me from constantly being in my head & get out of my husband’s hair. I feel like I’m driving him insane & making him miserable. Although he says I’m not…..I wish I could believe that.

#Feelinglost #WhereisMyPurpose #discouraged #BarelyHangingOn #losinghope #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PastRegrets #PTSD #Anxiety