OSFED

I’ve always had an extremely hard time validating myself, feeling like I “deserve” a diagnosis, any diagnoses, because I’m probably “just faking.” I’ve gotten way better in my last few years of treatment for anxiety/depression/CPTSD. But my struggles with validating my eating disorder (OSFED, closely resembling Atypical Anorexia), has been a major issue. Despite the fact that I haven’t had a period in many years and I have extreme fatigue all the time, have a panic attack when I try to eat anything new, hide my body and cry when I have to be seen in public in what I view as a “grotesque” physique, restrict at every opportunity, and that I frequently attempt purging, I can’t get over the fact that I haven’t lost tons of weight. It feels embarrassing, and like I don’t deserve help because I’m “not that bad.”

I finally got a therapist who perfectly matches what I need. To help us get a full picture of what I’ve got going on, my new therapist asked if I would consider getting a full psych eval with one of the people in her office, which I agreed to.

Big mistake.

His conclusion was that, because I have a chronic illness (a tethered spinal cord from birth), I don’t have an eating disorder, it’s just that “it’s harder for me to eat because it makes my stomach upset.” Which it does not. I have almost no dietary restrictions. He also told me “if you don’t want to eat for half the day, go for it!” Sir, I am in ED recovery.

I’m very devastated, I feel like no one in the ED care community will take my case seriously. Thankfully, my therapist is very much on my side and said that she completely disagrees. But it’s left me with so much more anxiety about what others will think of me. How ridiculous I am to put myself in the same category of people with “real issues.”

Anyway, this is my first time posting, so hopefully this wasn’t too much. Thank you for listening

#OSFED #OSFED #EatingDisorders #AtypicalAnorexia #Depression #CPTSD

I get applauded for how well spoken and open I am about my journey. I am honored and feel incredibly blessed to be able to create content that resonates with others, who have felt/feel the same way but lacked language. I’m learning more and more about my purpose everyday, and it is such a beautiful journey! Especially after years of just trying to make it through the day. I still find myself feeling my feels very hard...AND I’m getting better and not letting my feelings run my life. That being said, sometimes, that which we feel honored to do sometimes feel heavy. I personally feel that heaviness is due to our perspective and our fears. Fear of failing, fear of judgment, fear of rejection, and for me, oftentimes, fear that I will run out of important things to say. Writing boring poems, strumming and singing uninspired songs, empty speeches, and creating subpar vlog and blog posts are just a few of the fears that plague my mind and heart and scream in four part harmony that I should just give up now. I refuse. I speak from a place of hope and conviction. I know what it’s like to live in a world where emotions are fragile and intense. Over time, I have been able to find freedom in speaking my truth, unfiltered. That’s all I do, no big secret or trick or algorithm. I simply share my heart, where I’ve been, and the hope I have for the future. I’ve survived 100% of everything that hell has thrown my way, and I AM SO EXCITED about that! Almost as excited as I am to say that YOU HAVE TOO!!! That is what my secured hope is fueled by - the fact that if we've overcome that which we feared we wouldn’t, then we can do it again! Through The Mighty, we can do it together! Tonight, I felt myself give myself permission to just be. Not try to be the most famous blogger, singer, successful and completely healed 20 year old, but to always remind myself of my why. Why do I speak even though it’s scary? Because I believe that there is brilliant beauty to be found in and created of brokenness, and that there is strength in surviving, and there is a LIFE we are fighting for and creating. Simply put, I want to encourage as many people to stick around and create the life they dream of. I want us to be able to freely share our stories, no matter how dark or how light they are because, friends, there is strength in numbers! I almost went to bed defeated while rehearsing the lies of loneliness and insignificance. Instead, I chose to use my voice, to share my heart, and if nothing else, encourage just one person to believe that they are not alone in their darkness, therefore, they do not have to journey towards light alone. #Bipolar2Disorder    #BipolarDepression  #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder  #BulimiaNervosa  #EatingDisorders  #EatingDisorderRecovery   #Recovery   #prorecovery   #AnorexiaNervosa  #Hope  #Healing  #themightypoets   #Music  #hopeheals   #OSFED #hopehealsinitiative  

Somehow, after successfully completely two different treatment programs, attending years of consistent therapy, finding a helpful combination of meds, and being incredibly open about my story and diagnoses, I somehow began to operate under this unspoken pressure to be “better.”

With the holiday season and now the arrival of the long awaited “2020” year, I noticed something. By advocating for therapy and the freedom to feel and express emotions, I started to place this barrier between . I often talk about how finishing treatment and taking my meds doesn’t mean I never struggle - it just means I now have more tools to handle bad days. Yet, for some reason, when bad days come, I feel this weight of condemnation. I catch myself saying “This should not be happening.” When I am symptomatic, I hate myself for having an illness. With the new release of my debut single as an artist, of my hopeful anthem “This Is It” and the almost completion of my EP Brave Enough, I have become aware of an intensifying need to be “better.” Better in this use of the word doesn’t mean “improvement” - it means “cured” and “perfect” and “beyond that whole ‘mental illness thing’.

One of my favorite things I learned in treatment was the existence of dialectics, a world in which two distinct things need not be mutually exclusive. Sometimes I don’t treat myself like I can live in that world, while simultaneously giving everyone else the grace to live there. Lately, I’ve been treating myself like I can’t be encouraging and inspirational and also struggle, like I can’t be better and still in the process of healing, and like I can’t sing life into hopeless places and sometimes have doubt myself. So, to combat this, I decided to connect with others who know this plight. I decided to not isolate myself from people with minds and heart ssimilar to mine. It’s somewhat intimidating... AND I can be hesitant and still be brave. I’d love to build connections with others who might feel like this too. I know I’m not the only one. Today, I join the community. #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CyclothymicDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #MoodDisorders #MoodStabilizers #AnorexiaNervosa #AtypicalAnorexia #BulimiaNervosa #EDNOS #OSFED #progressnotperfection #ResidentialTreatment #Inpatient #IntensiveOutpatientProgram #PartialHospitalizationProgram #Selfharm #stability #Isolation #Music #MightyPoets #MightyMusic

#OSFED I’ve not been diagnosed this by a dr. But here goes. I’ve gained and lost hundreds of pounds over short periods of time and I restrict and binge and purge on occasion. When I feel most comfortable I’m restricting and if I have something that I find bad, I purge. Right now I’m on a binging cycle that has me taking diet pills and laxatives. I’m bipolar and I have borderline personality disorder. So I take other medication on the regular. I’m usually drained of energy if I do not take diet pills. Yes, even if I detox them out of me. I only walk as cardio. I’m inherently lazy. I have recently gained fifteen pounds with this cycle and the trigger is my husband’s inability to have sex. He’s on blood pressure meds and psych meds this is new. He had a nervous breakdown that lead to the meds. I love him so I won’t stray even though it’s in my nature to be overly sensual. I am seeing a therapist who is leaving to start another job. I don’t want to switch but the place I go to might require it. Back to the eating. I’ve purged twice this week. I know you’re thinking “oh, that’s not that bad” but I’m not bulimic. I just purge when I have too much inside during this cycle. Otherwise I do it when I eat the wrong thing. But I’m not in that cycle right now. I want to be. Im ashamed. I hate myself. I hate what I’ve done to my body. It’s hard to live with myself. That’s all I’ve got. Peace~