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Depression and Self-Sabotage: Making the World Match You

Depression and feelings of low self-worth can have an impact in many areas of your life. Typical daily activities such as getting out of bed or going to work can feel daunting. Socializing and leaving the house can feel overwhelming, motivation can be hard to come by, your relationships may fall out of sync, etc. When feeling depressed, it's common for self-worth to also be compromised (and vice versa, low self-worth can feed depression. A vicious cycle).

Feeling Undeserving of Good

When experiencing low self-worth, it can feel like you're not deserving of the good things that come your way. For example, if your self-worth is low, you may on a deeper level feel like you don't deserve love, care, intimacy, success in career, a supportive relationship, respect from others, even simply good feelings, and more -- even when you crave it. When you're feeling undeserving of the good, it can be very difficult to know how to both see it when it's there, and receive it.

People generally desire good things in life. You likely want things that will make you happy and fulfilled. However, when your self-worth is struggling or you are feeling depressed, it can actually be incredibly tempting to unconsciously fall into patterns of pushing the good away.

The Impact of Trauma and Hurtful Experiences on Self-Worth

Self-sabotage patterns are quite complicated. It's not easy to convince somebody deep down that they deserve intimacy, to be loved, cared for, et al, especially if growing up they experienced bullying, harsh punishments for supposedly being "bad", abuse, neglect, loss, abandonment, trauma, and more.

For one example, it can be really unsettling to be cared for or close with someone else because maybe you're just waiting for them to find out how un-good you are. How long before this other person (or job, etc.) realizes that you're not worthy of their attention or effort? This is part of imposter syndrome. How long before people realize that you're not worth the good they're providing and therefore take it away? How long before you lose the good, whatever it may be?

Another example is if you've been bullied, abused, or neglected. The internal deeper feelings may be reluctant to become too close or vulnerable, to let your guard down, let someone in, or to trust care from others, especially if the people who were supposed to care for you growing up (and/or others) had a hand in making you feel hurt, or afraid, or actually did physically hurt you. It may be hard to trust that you're really ever safe being close to people.

Self-Sabotage and the Shame of Having Needs

The shame of having needs (and having them met) is a significant piece of self-sabotage patterns. The fear of losing something you need, or being hurt by your needs in the past can make it hard to want to need at all now. Why bother trying to have your needs met if you see the greater and intolerable pain coming, often becomes the narrative. When you're anticipating the pain, shame, or other deeply upsetting and maybe intolerable feelings, this is where self-sabotage patterns start to take over. Perhaps a part of you may feel like the shoe is eventually going to drop -- you're going to be hurt (physically, or otherwise), lose the good, be found out, etc. When you've been through deep pain before, it can become almost a form of torture just waiting for it to happen again. The longer in this unknown space of good being offered to you, in one way or another, or the more vulnerable you start to feel, the less in control of that eventual pain you may feel, and it can become scary.

In this space, the fear of the bad starts to take over. These deeper fears can actually show up unconsciously, and you may not realize fully that they are there. But your actions and feelings towards any of the good starts to shift from wanting it to fearing it. It's in this space where the self-sabotage takes over. You may start pushing people away, or repeat dynamics that serve to prevent success, intimacy, supportive relationships, love, anything you feel you emotionally need and would also be too painful to lose, be disappointed or rejected by, or be potentially hurt by.

Making the World Validate Your Worthless Feelings

Essentially, when struggling with low self-worth, it actually can become instinctive to assist the world in validating feelings of worthlessness, rather than taking in when the world is showing you the good that you so desire. Instead, if people are there who are trying to offer you the good, you might reject it or keep it at bay or arm's distance. This is a common pattern in relationships that struggle with intimacy. (I discuss this more in my Grass Is Greener Syndrome book and articles). Avoidance is a common characteristic in sabotage dynamics. Avoiding connection, intimacy (physical and/or emotional), etc.

Opening up to vulnerability, intimacy, care, success, and anything good may feel too scary, overwhelming, and simply too risky. Instead, it's almost an instinct to reject or destroy the good with self-sabotage dynamics and self-fulfilling prophecies (though, in your defense, they don't tend to happen by conscious choice). You may be offered exactly what you need and are seeking, but it's more safe and comfortable in the comfort zone where you can't be hurt, abused, disappointed, or left in pain in any other way.

In this mode, people unknowingly curate the world around them to match their feelings of worthlessness -- people push the care away in this state, and then become even more pained by being alone and feeling that no one really cares. In this particular fear-based state, this can be the comfort zone and where it feels the most safe, even if it means isolation keeping away the good. It's a harsh "damned if you do, damned if you don't" -- and it makes it harder to break out of depression, as well.

Testing Boundaries and Sabotage

It's also worth mentioning that part of these self-sabotage patterns actually shows up in "testing". When in these untrusting and vulnerable emotional states, it is quite common for people to test their partners or others to see where the boundaries are. Almost a sense of, "How much of myself can I be, or how far can I push before they will turn away from me and leave or have enough of me? Where is too far?" While this may be a form of testing for safety, it unfortunately often becomes the self-fulfilling prophecy. Pushing someone far enough away where the other becomes in some way put off in response. This often serves to create the painful arm's distance, or setting up the disappointment, loss, abandonment that is so greatly feared.

Moving Forward From Self-Sabotage and Increasing Self-Worth

Self-sabotage validates and perpetuates low self-worth, and vice versa. It is possible to break out of this cycle and increase your self-worth. It starts with acknowledging the patterns and seeing them starting to play out without having to act on them, and getting to know on a deeper level what is feeding them. It is common in fact for the patterns to be played out in the therapy, which gives us a chance to respond to them in real time. The first step is simply knowing you want to move forward from these patterns.

#Depression #MentalHealth #Selfworth #selfsabotage #Trauma #Anxiety #Abuse #neglect

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An important reminder in this quote image

I have been a big, generous supportive friend and group leader of more than 1 group for years now on The Mighty and I hope 🙏 that our Mighty family is truly inclusive and a safe place for Jewish people as well.

I want to think that my Mighty friends on here would not think different or less of me for being Jewish.

I don’t want us to have to feel afraid or unsafe to be, say, express this part of who we are.

But, I have been seeing with deep hurt and sadness that we have been hiding, in the shadows, and this is obviously not helping with the same #MentalHealth that we too deserve.

Happy Hanukkah needs to be freely expressed too, and as well supported as Merry Christmas, for one example.

I refuse to have #Anxiety over being fully genuinely me.

And, I will not allow it to cause any darkness and isolation that is dangerous for my amazing progress with my healing journey and with my #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder

#ChronicIllness #MyCondition #WarmWishes #Jewish #Jews #MightyTogether #ChronicFatigue #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Mindfulness #Selfcare #worth #Selfworth #Selflove #resilience #Selfharm #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #MoodDisorders

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My poem about feeling I’m not good enough #Poetry #feelings #Selfworth

I know I’m annoying,
You don’t have to tell me
I know I’m weird,
I hear it a lot
I know I’m not beautiful,
People remind me everyday
I know I’m boring,
But,
That’s the one thing that just isn’t quite me
People have made me see
That they don’t like me
So I shut down
My thoughts pound
Scared to move or do anything
Because I’m scared I’ll get another comment about me again
All I wanted was to have fun but I can’t, because that’s the one thing I’m not-
And I know that too, people have shown me through and through…

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We tend to forget that no matter how worthless we may feel at any point in our lives, that we are in fact, never truely worthless. We are all just mixed bags of neurodiversity and we all are capable of MIRACULOUS things. Simple. #Selfworth #Selfesteem #loveyourself #believeinyourself

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Would it be okay...?

Thinking about my last post and the comments I got. Especially one. About not measuring your worth based on your productivity. But having worth because you do. Because you are who you are. Because you are. Very revolutionary in my mind... And I am definitely not there yet in my mind. But I would like to be.
And I would like to share this with my fellow mighties: You are good enough *simply* because you exist. Maybe it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't for me. But maybe we can work on it together? One small step at a time.
#MightyTogether
#Support
#MentalHealth
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#AvoidantPersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Anxiety
#Burnout
#HighlysensitivePerson
#Selfcare
#Selfworth
(Picture from Pinterest as always:)

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Art form.

I’m practising the art of not caring so much, not taking on the thoughts of others and dancing to the dismal tunes of society’s perfections. #Selfworth #Selfesteem

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Repeat it until you believe it #Selfworth #Selflove #BeYourself

I am worth it!!! LOUDER .... I AM WORTH IT!! Hopefully tomorrow I'll truly believe this!

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Tiny Zebra Notes | On Pacing Ourselves

Here’s a recent post from #TinyZebraNotes on Instagram:
Hello, speedy zebra - slow down. It’s okay to meet yourself at your own pace and enjoy moving at a level that best fits your mental and physical needs. You are strong and valued at whatever pace you choose is right for you.
#Selfcare #ChronicIllness #Selfworth

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Was I productive enough today?

Does anyone else besides me base their self-worth on their productivity? Do you find yourself anxious if you have nothing to do? Do you chastise yourself for taking a break if you don't think you "earned" it?

Yesterday I was working on writing projects and some marketing stuff and around 1pm I felt tired. I wanted to just sit and watch some Netflix. But I could hear that voice inside my head saying "you should be doing something." Then I thought "Have I done enough to earn this time doing nothing?"

I quickly realized what was happening and had to remind myself that I don't have to earn rest and relaxation. I don't always have to be doing. I don't have to earn my humanity. And neither do you.

If you find yourself questioning if you have done enough...you have. You deserve to just be without any conditions. You deserve peace and quiet. You deserve play.

You deserve to be you.

#Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #Selfworth

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