Most people would think that when we fight for treatment, support and understanding; they might think that fight is for ourselves. At times it is, but my fight is no longer for me.
I never fought for treatment and diagnosis; that was my parents. If I'm truly honest, I never thought that was an option. I just knew I was in a downward spiral of hating myself and hurting those around me. I was a child; I didn't know better.
I used to fight to prevent kids from being in the positions I was in as a child. After a lot of therapy I understand that isn't in my control; and neither were the things that happened to me.
When I relapsed badly at nineteen; I fought for treatment I knew I deserved (and desperately needed). I fought that fight for the first time and it's not an exaggeration when I say it almost cost me my life. Rounding up professionals, waiting lists then the knock backs and at times doing their jobs was the most exhausting; more exhausting than my relapse.. which is a lot. My safety plans, treatment plans and "support" were not my savior.
It's changed my view on life and circumstances massively. Especially in terms on how I keep myself safe next time; because they haven't each other time.
At this point I understood the true weight of what my parents had to live through. They fought for over three years, having me taken from them, being called unfit parents and the consistent neglect of any support other than the police to keep me safe at the darkest of times. I can't imagine the pain they must of been in watching me get worse; with nobody to help but one another.
My fight for treatment isn't about me anymore. Of course I want to know I'm safe guarded appropriately and working on having a supportive community team. However, what means most to me; is that there is faith and trust, belief that when my parents aren't here I will be safe. I try my best to unburden them as much as I can, but the one burden we share universally is one I cannot fix. Reforms and systematic change is what will keep me safe; allow me to have a net to fall into if need be.
My fight is for reforms that means my family aren't the only ones to pick up the pieces when they inevitably fall. So they don't enter their old age terrified that if they aren't at their best my life could be lost. We don't leave cancer patients with no support and hope for the best. I'm fighting for a life where my illness is protected by the appropriate people. I'm fighting for my illness to be my own and truly self managed, not lumped with those who are willing or love me enough to carry that weight.
Fighting for my parents to be my parents again. Fighting for my needs to be treated medically as needs; not dismissed. 🌼
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