White lies or major lies? To avoid confrontation, or so on I don’t typically but sometimes I do and want to work on it, just wanted to know if anyone else struggles with this and anxiety.
Have any of you tried doing a 'body scan'?
I recently tried it via my A Smiling Mind app
I found it worked well for me as a winddown at night.
Weekly goal: aim to do at least 10 minutes once a night, I shall see how I go...
This is enough to send me right over the #Splitting edge.....! I never thought of myself as a “rage” person or an angry person with a temper in the classical sense. But since learning more about #BPD + becoming a bit more #selfaware about it, (it’s very hard to admit) but I think I do in the sense that I’m quick to “snap” with my “high emotions”, becoming a tyrant! Since learning this of myself I’m a bit embarrassed that I’ve acted so childish + immature previously. I still have the tendency but I’d like to think I have more of handle on it now... or so I hope. That’s the plan anyways....! Le sigh 🤷🏻♀️
You open your eyes in the morning and immediately want to pull the covers over your head and go back to your blissful slumber because you feel safe there. You just can’t face the day. That awful, yet all too familiar feeling creeps in... Darkness, loneliness, hopelessness, guilt. You sink into the warm covers and think of every possible way to avoid what you need to do that day. You’ll lie if you have to...calling off, canceling plans, whatever it takes to get away from the life waiting for you. Guilt. It comes crashing down on you. It’s happening again...depression took ahold of you. What do you do to fight it? What do you do when you feel yourself spiraling? Do you have a plan for battle?
This week I will step outside my comfort zone by standing up for myself at home with my partner, on issues that need resolution. I will also stand up for myself with an issue at work.
I am not used to being assertive and standing up for myself. I usually feel immense guilt and shame if I try. This week I will do both the above things and know it is healthy to do so. No shame or guilt needed. It’s looking after myself and that is important
Every day is a new challenge a step into the unknown of anxiety and fear.
With each day there is many reminders ,
With every loud footstep
With every shower #neverenough #selfaware
With every social media scroll the aim to be perfect
With every meal the food uneaten
With every look in the mirror
With every wardrobe choice
With every conversation
With every passing stranger and every well know friend
With every drive
With every peice of work
With every going and coming
The overwhelming and controlling need to be thin, be loved, be honest, be wanted , be the best , be pretty , be present , be clever ,be liked and be accepted
There is a never ending battle and two steps forwards comes with one step back
There are good day and there are bad day and there are all over days
But with the comings and going of each day there is the knowledge that I am the same and with that security comes power of knowledge because with every passing feeling there is a passing choice , a choice to believe, receive or be deceived
Feelings are there but we choose to reject or keep them and as a individual we have the choice of mindset- positive or negative. The choice of how we react , the choice of what we believe the choice of what we involve ourselves in and be part of.
These are many choices which on days are easy and on days are overwhelming
But whatever is accomplished big or small when the day ends we know that the sun will set and it will rise agin , whatever our fears , failures and desires tomorrow will be a new day with new challenges that will change us and new opportunities that will shape us
So take one day a time , each moment as its own. Take a deep breath and smile for there are many opportunities seen and unseen.
Cultivate kindness, grasp gratitude and understand the power of positivity
Theses difficult moments will still remain but how we respond to them shall change and with every step forward the thought process is adapted , as when we change the way we look at things the things we look at change.
For you shall bloom wherever you are planted.
Physically - I need to push myself a past being in bed
Mentally - I need to be aware of where I am on my Hypomania and ask my family for understanding.
Emotionally - I need to remember that I’m supposed to be here, I’m not a mistake and I’m enough without being too much
#MixedBipolarDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Selfacceptance
#GetOutOfMyBed #selfaware #iamenough #IAmNotTooMuch
You know one of my biggest struggles since I've been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. You'd think it was a good thing, and in some ways or at least from a therapeutic standpoint it is and should be a good thing but I tell you it is the worst thing ever.
The thing I'm talking about, is becoming a self-aware borderline.
The first step in therapy, is to be diagnosed but then it's to become aware of your "patterns" and behaviors. But not only that in DBT, they teach mindfulness. Which makes you aware of everything, externally and internally.
The reason why being self-aware as a borderline, is probably the worst thing, is because it makes what we do and how we feel, which is already tenfold, even fucking worse. Like, we have just had all our nerve endings plucked like a guitar, set on fire with kerosine.
In a way, it's a lot like this other thing that you learn about in DBT, called "wise mind". Which is the ultimate goal. You want to take your emotional mind and with a rational mind and combine them to create a "wise mind".
This is sort of where the problem lies in being self-aware. I can see everything I do, say, or feel from a rational perspective. Understand why it is that way but no matter how much I understand it, I cannot help how I feel or react. My doesn't care about the rationales. Even if it's something so insignificant. Like the time my ex boyfriend moved a pillow and I flew into a rage. I knew there was no reason to get that angry, but I did. All he did was move a pillow. It didn't cause me any harm, I didn't ask him not to. So, why did I do that?
You see, noticing things like that. Being aware of things like that, on a daily basis, is horrible. It makes you feel horrible. They tell you in therapy that it helps. It doesn't. It makes it worse. It ruins your self esteem. It shows you just how fucked you really are.
It's like you can see what is going on, you know what to do but you aren't in control.
I miss being blissfully unaware. Things seemed so much simpler. All I do now is either apologize, explain myself, self loath, or isolate so I don't hurt others. This is what knowing does.
It has helped break some patterns, but at what cost?
I randomly woke up at like 3 am hungry and now I’m just waiting to go back to sleep after taking care of that and a headache.
But something that I’ve been noticing a lot lately is how far I’ve come in my self awareness. My anxiety spiked for the first time when I was a junior in high school. I took such a scientific approach to it, that over the years my self awareness has seriously increased chunk by chunk. I recently, I’m preparation to go back to school and inevitably meet with my teachers, wrote out a little crash course to help me make meetings more productive. It was in that moment I realized how much I know now vs when I was a junior in high school. It’s honestly been the most fascinating thing to me.