tears

I have a #Daydream where I find the right #Job and lose my #unemployment and work 40 hours a week. It sounds like a #nightmare because a 40 hour work week is #scary for me. It takes away so much time from #Selfcare and #Recovery that it brings me to a point of #tears .

I began to do the whole #comparing myself to others and #Wondering why I could not be like another. I truly feel #helpless whenever I become #jobless

It is difficult for me to find a #Job that can work with a #Disability and not feel #stigmitized by my #employer secretly. I feel like I am this cat in the photo, in my own #World where everything around me is just blowing up. It is not that I do not #Care anymore, but it is that there is only so much I can do. I might as well take normal pictures along the way and try to be as #normal in my #Abnormal world possible.

Perhaps a "vocational" center will be #helpfull in finding a #Career rather than just a job... But I do not know how much #Stigma exists. I suppose I am just #afraid and at the same time #Brave for keeping applying and trying.

Wish me #luck !

When does anxiety transform into a panic attack?

Curiously, anxiety, not depression, is a huge part of my life. There are times, that I feel anxiety is just losing control of my life, or, writing it correctly, the fear of losing control.

It's like I have all my monsters in a cage, but I keep looking at those monsters because I feel they might break the cage and get me.

Maybe it is my kid inside me, that remembers when I will get under the bed like somehow being under the bed will stop whatever was hurting me from hurting me again.

Can I be honest? I'm not sure if maybe I had a real monster, meaning, a real HUMAN hurting me, molesting me, attacking me?

I don't know why I forgot a lot of my childhood, and I can't remember one good thing about my childhood with my mother. And I'm trying, and I keep trying to remember one good thing with her, a moment of playing or smiling, or she allowed me to be a kid.

I don't know if it's a good thing to remember. The brain, our all overseer makes you forget or remember sometimes specific things.

I remember I was "the little man of the house", the responsible one, the one who was in charge of my brothers and sisters, the one who had to be an example for them.

I don't know when I lost my childhood, I don't even know if all of this that I feel, is real or not.

I am getting older, and I don't know anymore what went on in that PERFECT FAMILY that we were. I'm scared, but I'm an adult, and I suppose not to be scared of the monsters in the closet anymore, but....

Is it worth it to speak up? or to simply forget that I forgot?

My name is Jesus Guillen, and I live with anxiety and PTSD.

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #monsters #Hope #tears

So my sister happened to call me the other day. At first it was a VC but then we switched to audio. Since I'm well acquainted (and annoyed) with people being 'People', I was perfectly 'Normal' seeming to not have noticed the look on her face when she saw me.

*who goes around the house doing laundry in Chanel anyway^^

It was pretty evident from all the fake accenting*is-that-even-a-word* that she was out with friends and as most of the talk recipient wasn't me, I left her babbling on the bed.

A while later when all was done and silent, I took a deep breath.
I was tired. We all are.
Another day check☑️

That night again
Crickets fought to kill whimpers drowned down by an old owl on the Oak.
And then she was as fine..

As wine...
Btw lets talk about snowdrops next time. I find them exquisite^^

#CPTSD #ChronicFatigue #Depression #borderlinedepression #tears #ME #Cancer

At times the need to connect is very strong and real tht they seem to be eating on the insides.
Then when some seemingly normal human comes my way, I go into this passive 'I don't care who u are..what u want, just go away" mode. Most of the time it's either I care too much or couldn't give a 💩(why does shits smile?)

Anyway.. Trust issues have bothered and worsened over time. Just when I think "aber ich sehe Licht am Endes des Tunnels" someone would let me down.. And there I go falling face first on the floor regreting every single decision I've ever made. To ruminate almost killing myself due to past trauma to being abused by the same person who fking kept me for taking my life...what's the difference? why did they do it? Why ME of every other living person? Whose fault is it that I can't seem to trust anymore? Whose fault is it that coping is this difficult?

It's true when they say,
"Part of me is a hopeless romantic while the other part is just hopeless."

#CPTSD #BPD #OCD #Fibromyalgia #CFS #ME #Trauma #Anxiety #borderlinedepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #posttraumatic #MentalHealth #tears #Cancer #Phobia #Depression #SocialAnxiety #ChronicFatigue #BipolarDepression

#CPTSD #BPD #OCD #Fibromyalgia #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #borderlinedepression #Anxiety #Depression #SoDone #humans #SocialAnxiety #tears #Meme #MentalHealth #mentalhealthmeme

Aftr my online session, I scrolled through my ig feed n I ended up watching this reel that had a scream in it.
Some woman screams in the goddamn video!
Can't people just shut the fk up?!

Nw the fks wrong with me? I'm feeling heavy and lost and sad and it's all so fkin shitty n fked up
Godd the hells wrong with me...
Uff I'm such a coward.

Help.
#CPTSD #BPD #OCD #Fibromyalgia #CFS #ME #Trauma #Anxiety #borderlinedepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #tears #

Another day.
Another struggle of telling myself to breath.
Last night I had another fight with someone I thought understood me. But yet again, this world keeps proving me wrong.

As I stood at the crossing to the store this morning, I thought what if I just do it? Just finish it off for once.
Everything was as bad as it could get. I even left my umbrella at home.
Just take a few steps and wouldn't it be nice to leave it all behind?
Would they regret what they've done? Feel bad for me?
Again.. What if I don't die.. And end up worse? Oh no. Not gonna do it.

And so, I left there. Went back.
Oh and yes.. Groceries and milk were long forgotten.

#CPTSD #BPD #Anxiety #BipolarDepression #Depression #tears #Selfharm