traumabonding

TW: so for starters, long post again, huuuuuuuuuge amounts of insensitivity in said post that sounds like I'm normalizing it because I don't feel about it anyhow, might be triggering for some who suffered from an abusive relationship, probably some trauma bonding, written from the POV of what people would normally deem an abuser (even if my partner doesn't realize it - not sure if this is allowed?), no idea anymore, of course feel free not to read this post if you feel uncomfortable at any point

Hi, so the problem is this. My partner/SO of 8 years loves me even though I used to and still treat him pretty badly. I haven't been diagnosed as one, but I'm certain I must at least have traits of some very specific cluster B mental illness, not naming any because self-diagnosies are not tolerable etc. etc.

This extends to him too, I don't want to label my guy but I think he is someone that people would think of as a codependent in a given relationship, and a possibly an enabler from outside of the relationship.

I am not a very good person. I don't feel any kind of empathy, guilt/remorse, I can't bond with people ever, and I just genuinely don't care about most anything but my own person. I find myself incredibly interesting and I dissect and analyze myself in many ways from many angles. I love to brag about the bad things that I "have the potential" to do. I mostly conceal all of this in public, aside from some casual things that don't reveal much about my mental state, but that doesn't change the fact that I am wired in this way. It's only with my SO that I can afford to be truly vulnerable, otherwise nobody really knows me in the slightest.

I'm saying this because my SO is the only person I can be "real" with, and so this of course means he gets to see the worst I have to offer (because that is me, and anything else I present is a false representation made in order to survive in society). Now don't get me wrong, I don't ever abuse him, as in, physically, but I used to mentally years ago, heavily, during the typical lovebombing stage, because I was really young and just had no concept of boundaries or maybe I did and just ignored that because I didn't care that much about reputation back then and even was kind of passively suicidal, so the thought I wouldn't live long anyway made me more susceptible to trying out things on people.

I want to be clear on that I'm not excusing any of this, shit was diabolical and even though I don't feel anything about it, I don't do it anymore, because I do appreciate this person a lot, even if I can't really prove it emotionally. The abuse must have lasted about 2 years before something happened that prompted me to reveal myself for real, and after that I just stopped with it because I understood it wouldn't mesh well with this new revelation, and I wouldn't be able to get anything out of him now, anyway (this is what I thought at the time).

Since then I am always myself around him. We are also much healthier (coming from the ex abuser this must not sound very authentic, but I do think I've mellowed out a LOT since then). Even so, it's still a very puzzling thing. Basically it appears that he knows I'm incapable of loving him, but does not care in the slightest. I attribute this to him having a very low self-esteem. Sometimes I use him as venting grounds for when I'm particularly frustrated with the outside world, expecting reality validation, and he happily remains my echo chamber.

Even though he is a very feelings-oriented and a moral person and I'm certain he would hate anybody that is like me character-wise with a passion, he claims to love me for who I am. To me this doesn't seem like love, but rather obsession. It definitely stems from me traumatizing him heavily in the past as I said, I know it was fucked up and I tell him so whenever he appears to sideline it, as well as the struggles it brought about for his mental health.

The problem is, he always appears to think I can do no wrong and excuses any bad action I ever do or say I have the potential for doing. I have always believed this to be problematic, mostly because his own issues complement this obsession with me.

He has a savior complex and a general need to "feel relied on/depended on", plus a tendency to think of me as "broken", which really doesn't make any sense because I'm self-aware to hell and back and don't care if I inflict hurt as long as nobody finds out socially. He excuses my actions every single time without fail ("your actions aren't that bad"), and even when I provide evidence that they are, he points to my past and uses it as justification for my actions, in a sort of "you are allowed to do that because of how bad you had it" kind of way.

He has admitted to worshipping me and obsessing about me in private (centering his religious OCD around me, for one, or choosing to write his essays in uni about how "misunderstood" I am and how he loves me so much (obv with an alias for my character because why would he reveal the very problematic personality of the one he loves right)). Don't get me wrong, I obviously love it because why wouldn't I since I'm such a shitty person and think I truly am all that and deserve everything good in life but it still seems concerning to me to the point that I think if I had any empathy at all I would 100% feel sorry for him. He just seems almost brainwashed, and I didn't intend to do this, I think (???).

Since I haven't managed to have an effect like this on anyone since, I'm wondering what it is I did to make him that way, so that I can maybe revert it? Like okay I may not feel bad about it but I care for this person in my own way and from a cognitively empathetic standpoint even I can see that this is majorly fucked up and I definitely need to correct it somehow, even if we are "okay" now, as his denial clearly signals that not everything is healed.

So I'm looking for advice from ex codependents.

Anyone with a similar case? How did your partner make you realize that many of their actions towards you were (and still sometimes are, at least for me - though not because I would want them to be mean but because I'm just bored and don't care in general) genuinely not well-meaning? How did they make you or how did you yourself manage to "snap" out of it?

I think if I had the capability to love, I would truly love this person, for too many reasons that I won't get into right now, they basically saved me, but that's exactly why I want them to live their best life, which I believe would best be accomplished without me. How do I manage this?

I apologize for the word soup. Hopefully this is comprehensible enough. Have a great rest of your day/night :)

#Abuse #TW #help #Relationships #traumabonding

The tricky thing about shame seems to be that it’s both the cause and the effect. I have extreme shame about my trauma responses. I can’t even talk about it. I’ve talked with my therapist a little and it’s helped minimally. She said “what is normal, anyway?” which made me feel even more insane. I self-isolate all the time. I hate being around large groups, and especially around men. My marriage is totally falling apart which perhaps it was time and this is only the catalyst, but we have three children and I am still emotionally dependent on him.

I was a normal woman before this. I was. Now I’m an empty shell.

Personally, I relate this so much to psychological and emotional abuse in a relationship.
Situations where your partner in your relationship / experience / situationship, etc goes back and forth between being good and bad. The sudden act of withdrawal of affection and emotions, from avoiding you just suddenly to starting to give you attention suddenly too, to not showing compassion or empathy when you plead or cry, all this have been so abusive.

It is scary to be in a position where you wouldn't know what to expect from a person because they keep changing. What mood they will be in today, will it be a good day, will they be nice today, will they reply on time, will they call back, will they be rude, what choice or words will they have today and so on.

To me, lack of empathy in this way is abuse.
It is absolutely an individual's choice about how they use their time and attention, but exploiting someone and depriving them because it doesn't affect you, is abuse especially when they've become vulnerable due to your actions.

I look forward to a future where we speak more and more about this and we find ways to hold people accountable for their actions because we don't really see this as abuse as much as we need to.

#traumabonding #narcissism #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Codependency

A few weeks ago my fiancé gave me a letter. She had been kind of off and said something has been weighing in her.

In the letter to spoke about my dog. She stated that when we move to the condo next year (my dog, piper) is not welcome. I’ve had Piper for going in 6 years. Her reasoning is because she doesn’t want a dog living in a condo because it’s too small. Yet it’s bigger than our current suite?

My fiancé and I have been together 7.5 years. We moved in together a couple years ago (as she was going to school and living at home). She never once voiced how she didn’t want to live with a dog. Fast forward to now. We’ve all lived together for over 2 years. Her, myself, my dog and her cat.

Yet suddenly its not even a topic of discussion it was an ultimatum.

The kicker she’s known she has felt this way forever; keeping it from me. Piper is my heart and soul. That dog literally saves me from myself everyday. She not just a dog. She my best friend. My companion. And she just uhhhh just wants me to rehome her to my brother for a few years. Then we can get her “back”

The icing: we just resigned another lease at the beginning of September 👏🏻 #manipulation #depressed #traumabonding #myheartsbreaking

Recently I decided to cut ties with my #Narcissticfather and my #Enablermother . As hard as this decision was, I know in my heart it is what is personally best for me and my children.

It has been a week since I made this decision, and at first i was very empowered and determined. I felt a weight lift as I came to peace with what I've chosen to do. Now I'm having second thoughts. I'm constantly anxious, fidgety. Similar to someone going through rehab, I feel myself craving my drug of choice which would be my parents in this case. I keep feeling deep urges to contact them, to apologize and take blame. I feel like I need to fix everything, even though I know for a fact that is not the healthy option.

It is not only a mental feeling but a physical one. I shake, lose my appetite when I think of my parents because I'm reaped with guilt, and I hardly ever sleep now. Is this a withdrawal process from all the #traumabonding formed over my childhood? I want to know there is a logical reason behind my feelings and that I'm not just going insane.

#Seekingadvice

I have trauma bonds. They make me feel like I have to stay in relationships that are unhealthy. They make me feel I have to prove myself or that I care even though the relationship has proven sick. Even though I have ended a relationship, it never.fucking.ends. Because it’s my fault. And I have to make it better. I have to prove something. It becomes more sick. I get more sick. And once where I was an advocate for myself I now become the sickest and become resentful, manipulative, dramatic. What do I do???
#CPTSDinrelationships #CPTSD #traumabonding #HelpMePlease #hatingmyself #RuiningEverything