cigarettes

I make no apologies for my crutches I use to help my #ChronicPain , #Depression & #Fatigue . in fact I embrace them & am very grateful for them. #Caffeine #cigarettes #vitaminb-12 (I'd smoke #MedicalMarijuana ( was approved. over a year ago in April & even have a card ) but #THC messes with my #Schizophrenia & I get tense , intense, #stressed & #anxious , & sometimes even slightly #Paranoid . So I suffer taking meds for #Pain that are actually psyche #meds that hardly make a dent. (#Gabapentin ) #my Life #sucks so the ppl that #criticize & put me #down for smoking cigs can go to heck for voicing their #ignorant #Judgemental #opinions . which they so freely #Voice regarding my smoking & high #Caffeine intake. I am not afraid of #Death & in fact , welcome & #Pray for it, have felt this way all my life. Ppl need to face their own #Demons , faults & weaknesses instead of constantly distracting themselves by getting into other ppls business. I #ignore them . I am #Deaf to their assinine stayements. I #mentally float away & I do what #helps my #Nerves (I inherited bad nerves (#physical AND #emotional ) & that helps me cope with a #Life I #live as a #Prisoner doing time. It's just a waiting #Game , Just A matter of #time .

PART 1

I like to tell myself that not everyone gets the traditional story. Us kids sure didn’t have the ‘typical’ childhood & up bringing most did. My parents weren’t fit to be parents as a lot of their choices were made around drugs and crime. That led my sisters, brother and myself to be put in either an aunts care or in and out of foster homes for quite some time. Being in my mums aunts care is what really saved us kids. She had stability and structure. Every time we left my aunties that would all go out the window. My dad had landed himself in prison yet again. This time was different though, he wasn’t able to do his time nor even get a sentencing as he was murdered before trial. My mum couldn’t take care of us kids on her own at the best of times. Now this massive traumatic event, the one person that somewhat held our family together, was gone. Everything honestly got worse after that. Mum abruptly (without anyone knowing) moved us all to Queensland, and it wasn’t long after that, she had another overdose on heroin.

Im sure you’re prepared for what was next.

Back into foster care with complete strangers we went. We lived a very tortured and slaved life in this particular ‘home’. We tried expressing ourselves to DHS (department of human services) but no one would listen. It wasn’t until 2 and a half years later, when we had more foster children enter the house, that something was actually done and our voices were heard. Finally the abuse and bs stopped as all us kids were removed and placed in different homes again. Finally, our aunty found us, fought for us and flew out to Queensland to bring us back home to Melbourne. Back to our family and a place we knew we were loved and safe. Mum continued to live in Queensland for a further few years before returning to Melbourne.

You’d think after going through such traumatising events that I’d be happy to be back with family, in a safe environment with safe and loving people. But I know it wasn’t me being unhappy where I was, it wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate it either. I think because so much happened in so little time, i was feeling so very lost. I had that many things running through my mind. I didn’t know who I was anymore or what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted, why I was feeling the way I was, what was triggering me. I had the crappiest mentality. I always felt attacked, i mean half the time I was. My family assumed that I would be the child to follow in my parents footsteps. That I would be the first out of my siblings to have a child, that I would go down a ‘that’ path. I always felt such negativity towards me. I was being accused of smoking cigarettes when in actual fact I wasn’t. Lots of things pushed me to rebel. I became so fricken stubborn & such an angry person.

#Trauma #Stress #FosterCare #cigarettes #PTSD #drugaddiction #anger #Grief #Early Childhood Trauma