depression naps

I had some success beating back depression and having better sleep (see previous post). But just as I succeed in taking steps to recovery, I slid back today. I took a long nap for no reason other than, “why not?” I had no reason to nap for so long or at all. Just none.

Am I wishing I was dead? Are all these oversleeps and long naps a form of suicidality? Just wishing I could close my eyes and the world would go away?

I want this to stop. I want to live my life! I have to live my life. What can I do to stop sleeping and shutting the world out?!
#BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #Sleep #oversleeping #suicidality #Willtolive #despair #DepressionNaps #MajorDepression

Having a hard day today.
I listened to the lie in my head all weekend that resting would help. Sleeping would help. While resting & sleeping help to some degree, literally staying in bed for the majority of 48 hours is not something that helps. I work full-time and tell myself that I can have one day of the weekend to recover... It's just the past two weekends I've spent the majority of the weekend in my room sleeping for the most part. Of course that over abundance of sleeping left me taking Tylenol PM last night at 11:00 pm so that I wouldn't be staring at the ceiling in the wee hours of the night. It put me to sleep all right... But I woke up feeling like a zombie this morning.
I dragged myself out of bed because my husband's ostomy bag needed to be changed. He survived bladder cancer over the past year and a half. Ended up having to replace the ostomy bag twice (the first time it leaked between the barrier ring and his stoma).
I've made it to work at this point. Albeit an hour and 6 minutes late, but I made it. The old me would have stayed home and stayed in bed all day. Thinking eventually my mood swing would switch to the positive side. I'm proud of myself for going to work. I feel there are a lot of extenuating circumstances that are hitting me left and right lately. Will my husband's bladder cancer come back? He had his one year CT scan this morning. My mother in law passed away less than one month ago and while we weren't close, it's still the only Mom my husband ever had. We will be traveling later this month to her funeral. I have type 2 diabetes that I put on the back burner while my husband went through chemotherapy & cancer appointments. I'm just starting to get my Type 2 diabetes back on track. I have a check in with my endocrinologist this Wednesday. Oh... And then there's the never ending Generalized Anxiety Disorder that rears its ugly head time and time again. It's a definite combo of Anxiety and Depression. One that I manage successfully most of the time. I just need to go back to putting some structure into my weekends so that I don't succumb to "resting" all weekend. Well... Since I am at work (at the County Attorney's Office) I suppose I should get moving on being productive today. Thank you for reading. If you read all of this, can you leave me a short comment? It will help me feel like I'm not just venting to the Ethernet. Thank you in advance! 💞 #Anxiety #DepressionNaps #Depression #BladderCancer #cancersurvivor

I’m really struggling today, I was embarrassed at my job today on top of not feeling like I belong here. It’s madness how I start a job and that same insecurities from my last job came rushing back but also just how much I miss my old job and what was good about it. I feel so alone, and sad, my depression has been getting bad lately and taken my interest in anything other than sleeping away. I’m not sure what to do.

At least it’s fursuit Friday and I finally received my birthday present that’s been on order for three months. Here’s a pic of it!

#CheckInWithMe #Newjob #ChronicDepression #Depression #DepressionNaps #Anxiety

Yesterday I was recovered from the Horrible Cat Vomit Storm of October 2021 and did well with my new checklist, but without the enthusiasm of Day One. Today I woke up so sore everything hurt, which was exhausting. I still got about half of my checklist items finished. All I cared about was getting rid of the pain. It was a 6 for me—so distracting it was hard to think. Plus my brother stressed me out by dropping clues that he plans to go looking abroad for his fake online boyfriend who I already proved is a scammer. He doesn’t care.

So anyway, yeah. That really cranks up my depression/anxiety/fibromyalgia discomforts. And there’s even more stress that I just swallow daily, so my nest makes a lot of very compelling arguments for why that’s where I should be. I definitely self-medicate with apathy.

But my wanting to break the apathy habit is also for me and my well-being, demmit. I have made my nest the center of my life now for three years!! I have been healing from trauma, sure, but I need more than this for myself. I have more that I want to do, so I am struggling through whatever it takes to reclaim my life—for ME! I don’t want to lose the ability to choose someday.

I just have to keep trying as hard as it takes to make this Apathy Toolkit work better than helping me be productive only every other day. The Daily Checklist needs adjustments. Honestly, trying to shower every single day feels a bit out of reach for me right now. Heh. Just trying to keep it real for the good of the group. I figure that if I force myself to be honest for you then I’ll know I’m not just fooling myself.

I revived an old habit of writing notes to myself in sharpie on my bathroom mirror (It easily comes off with rubbing alcohol or other non-abrasive solvent cleaner.) The picture I posted of it had to be on an angle so you could see the words. First a big red heart that my face appears inside when I stand in front of the sink. Near the bottom it says, “Don’t let apathy own you.” At the top is this: “Have you… -Brushed your teeth -Brushed your hair -Washed your face …today?”

Tell me about your apathy.

#apathy #Depression #lowenergy #Productivity #Success #crash #Fibromyalgia #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #tired #Caffeine #lighttherapy #DepressionSymptoms #DepressionNaps #MajorDepression #SeasonalDepression #Lazy #notlazy #nope #Emptiness #FibroFog #LifeLessons #LifelimitingIllness #getthingsdone #toolkit #apathetic #BipolarDisorder

OK, another week went by. This time my efforts to get things accomplished on my To Do list were much more successful in spite of my cat’s most compelling recommendation to cover my eyes and nap. I like to think that creatures napping (especially warm fuzzy ones) emit a kind of powerful pheromone that makes anyone who is exposed want to curl up and sleep near them. I call them “sleepomones” and I battle them daily. When you look at Hobbes in the picture you can sense the difficulty with resisting him. This isn’t science, by any means, but it amuses me and gives me a “foe” I can manage. 😃 (1. Avoid cues to nap if you have things to do.)

This week I feel like I did resist the sleepomones and the lull of apathy and am pleased with the results. I got a lot of cleaning done, was consistent with my self-care practices each day, and invested a lot of energy in my family members (my three grown children and my brother.) I discovered, however, that I overspent my limited energy on them. That’s ok! I love them and my children made good use of my energy for positive things in their lives. (2. It’s OK to overspend your energy on something positive, but don’t let it keep derailing your progress .)

My brother is more of a bucket with a hole in it that I can never fill. He has numerous mental and physical health problems that easily overwhelm him and me. So I had to draw healthier boundaries to protect myself from being completely drained by him. How? I stopped trying to help him every time we talk (daily) and just focused on loving and appreciating him. He has trouble understanding many basic things about… nearly everything. He hates it when people tell him what to do though. Instead of attempting to convince him what behavior to change, I started saying things like, “I am pretty sure that is not the way to manage your medication when you don’t think it’s working. Your doctor or any pharmacist can help you with that.” Then I drop it unless he asks me directly for more information. (3. Identify areas in your life that are always drain your energy and strategize to protect yourself from it.)

I have more to say, but need to go empty the dishwasher and make lunch. 👍

#apathy #Depression #ChronicDepression #DepressionNaps #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #FibroFog #LifeLessons #LifelimitingIllness #getthingsdone

Yeah, so… oops! A week went by without much progress. I don’t even know why. All of the things I wanted to get done, it just… didn’t happen. When I realized I had been duped by apathy again I wanted to stick my tongue out at it in defiance. Then after I took my photo for this post and looked at it, I realized it was more like apathy was sticking it’s tongue out at me instead, from my own face. Ha. Joke’s on me.
This struggle is real.
I have a new week to try to push through it. Days are getting shorter so I have been faithful with my therapy lamp every morning for 30 minutes. I have my Mooji meditation to hold anxiety at bay. I’m eating well but still don’t get out to walk. It has been overcast for days, too, with actual rain today, but that shouldn’t stop me. But it does.
This group is growing. That’s encouraging. Share your struggles with apathy. Giving voice to them is powerful. 🌻
#apathy #ChronicDepression #Depression #DepressionSymptoms #DepressionNaps #MajorDepression #SeasonalDepression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #Lazy #nope #empty #Emptiness