givingup

I have so much in life that I am thankful for and that should bring me happiness, but I have to mask. No seratonin, no dopamine. Just pretending. Fake smiles, forced laughter when inside I feel like I'm dying. What's the point in trying? I'm trying for those that love me. I see no reason to try for myself. My support understands. And they are here for me, yet I feel so alone and empty. #depressed #empty #givingup

The whole last week I wanted to recover so bad.
Today when I woke up, I had motivation.
Then my bpd kicked in and I don’t want this life anymore. I just want to end. To fade away.
Why should I live the way I live if it’s not the life I want?
But I can’t change anything. I have to wait until the shittiest parts are over.

But I’m so tired of waiting, tired of trying, tired of understanding everyone. Tired of being kind, tired of being nice to me. It’s exhausting. I’m so used to treat myself like shit, that my brain thinks that I can’t allow myself to love me.

I just can’t.

My whole life I was told to just shut up, work and be a doll for my parents.
Now I live alone in my own apartment and have a girlfriend. She helps me a lot, but there are still days and weeks where I feel alone or unwanted.
Sometimes I trigger myself without knowing, and after that I have to put myself together; although I did it to myself.
I’m tired of sticking my parts together, because I don’t know how many glue is left.

I don’t know, honestly. Sometimes I feel good and happy, but the most time I’m sad and angry because everyone failed and hurt me.
I’m angry at my parents, I’m angry at the world.

I just want a better life. Please God, hear me.
Please heal my wound.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #bps #moodswings #SuicidalThoughts #anger

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I’m recovering from trauma and that I’m getting better and metter at managing the symptoms, but what’s done is done you know? And I won’t be getting back the time I lost battling my own brain. And that sucks. And makes me mad. And also makes me feel like maybe I’m not worth what I think I am.

I always dreamt of being a doctor. Psychiatry was my dream, how ironic is that?
But I would have loved to be a surgeon as well and work with Doctors Without Borders cause I just love helping people that no one else is willing to help. Because nobody should be in the position of not having anyone to back them up. Nobody should be in the position of being helpless and alone. Nobody should be in the position of not being given a chance. Whether it’s because of money, race, sexuality or anything else.

But then I found myself in that position. Or at least I thought I was. And I had to fight my mind to understand that wasn’t the case. But as I graduated high school I was not in my right mind and I most certainly didn’t have the strength to face uni. So I thought “okay I’m one year ahead anyway, I can lose a year of med school”. But then a year passed and I didn’t feel ready yet, so I chose another faculty. I gave up.

I do like what I’m doing, I do think I will find my spot and enjoy my career, whatever that will be. But I’m never gonna be a doctor. And I hate it. I could go into med school now, yes, but I won’t cause if there’s something that I hate more than not achieving what I want is achieving it after others. So I can’t stand the idea of becoming a doctor at 32 at best (where I live med school is 6 years + 4 to specialize). Also my parents aren’t getting any younger, my father is 70 and retiring in October, my mum is 60, so I can’t put the pressure on them to financially support me till I’m 32. I just can’t.

Problem is every time I’m at at hospital, every time I see something even remotely related to doctors, I’m reminded of my “failure”. Worst part is both my parents are doctors and my older sister is in med school.
Would be kinda funny to see from outside I suppose.
So yeah, I’m proud of myself for overcoming my problems and getting better, but all my life, every time I’m working, or anytime I see my parents and/or my big sister, every time I enter a hospital, every time someone I meet tells me they are a doctor, I will be reminded that I am not.

And I hate it.
#MentalHealth #Recovery #dreams #Medicine #givingup

I use to think I already have felt the worse possible pain from my abusive childhood. Grew up in a cult. My Father sexually assaulted me for yrs, and my mother knew and never stopped. She Intern blamed me, hated me. So what could cause worse life long issues and pain?....Losing my husband. He was my anchor and my foundation. He is the one person who said he'd never leave me. And now he's left. Yes ik it's not his fault, but this pain that I now carry with me is worse. Ik this pain will always be with me for the rest of my life. Ik I have to figure out my own way to live with this darkness surrounding me. My whole life I've carried this darkness. My husband was the one that helped me to carry part of it. And I helped carry him when needed.
And now as I lay here crying my eyes out, trying not to wake my son, I can't help to not wonder, what's the point? Why are we allowed to make deep connections and feel truly loved, only to have it taken away every time? I'm not very religious. And if there's nothing after we die, then what's the point? How much longer am I going to have to carry the weight of all this pain and darkness that life keeps giving me? I'm so tired of people saying give it time, or it'll get better, easier. Or don't worry about that, just focus on now. My whole life has been trauma after trauma, pretty fucking sure I've tried everything to "let it go, move on, choose to be happy." My soul is so tired and bitter...#Grief #Widow #Broken #ChronicPain #lostsoul #givingup i

I am new to here but I just wanted to vent and not keep my feelings bottled up. I feel myself slipping back into a depression although I am trying not to. I feel isolated and alone and not sure what I am going to do with my life. Lately the energy in my family has been given to my cousin's upcoming wedding and I feel left out and uncared for. I don't care for his fiance and it's difficult pretending to care about there wedding knowing I've been excluded at every opportunity. I have to push myself away from them for my sanity but the constant reminders about their event just reminds me about how excluded I feel. Trying to stay positive but no lie it's killing me inside.
#Depression #givingup

That confusing feeling wanting to live life and also feeling like I just want to give it all up.

#confused #sad #MentalHealth #givingup #moody #anxious #Life

The the last couple of months, most of my dreams have portrayed my innermost thoughts and fears. Everything from being abandoned by others, being unable to speak up when in trouble, even shouting terrible things just before waking up. I’ve spoken to my therapist about all of these things, and yesterday I cried during the whole session. I finally opened up about how felt small when it came to my mom and that in my last dream the last thing that she said to me was that I was a disappointment. The thing about this is that she never said this outside. I remember having a dream years ago and the last thing that I said to her before waking up was that I hated her. I think the worst thing is that I never felt that I was enough. I never felt that I did enough even if I did get praise. I feel like I have a gaping hole that just can’t be filled no matter what I do. Love can’t even fill this space. At the moment I feel empty inside... I honestly don’t feel a thing. Maybe I cried everything out, but this kind of emptiness is different from the past times I’ve felt this way. I brought up to my therapist that with all of my experiences has caused me to feel that I am a waste of space and that I don’t deserve to be here. I’ve just about given up at this point, I’m very tired. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #imtired #givingup #EmptyInside

Hi,
Just got done with my psych evaluations and I just don't feel good over all. Am I losing my mind? currently curled up in my favorite blanket and crying. #givingup . I just want it all to stop.