I didn’t eat enough today. That was one of my goals. Five days in a row of eating enough and I’m going to miss day six.
It doesn’t help that the ala I added to my shakes makes them super gross. (I’m gonna need to go back to capsules.)
I did take all the probiotics I’m hoping will fix my dysbiosis. I did take the supplements I’m hoping with heal the nerve damage. And I drank the juice I’ve added to my diet for nutrients.
But I’m at half the number of shakes I’m supposed to drink today and I just want to go to give up and go to bed.
How do you eat enough when you’re almost never hungry? When even the one time a day when you are hungry, you’re not interested in food? Or when you usually really don’t want it. And when you do eat, you often get sick?
Eating enough is supposed to help you sleep better. I can’t sleep most nights. Really high cortisol.
I left off the idiopathic part and looked up “autonomic neuropathy,” and it’s either reversible/treatable or I’ll lose this battle in 6-9 years. I already feel like I’ve lost so much over the last year and I know there are people who have it worse than me.
I just could really use some support tonight. And maybe someone who would be willing to eat and sleep for me because I really need that. (Though I’m depressed too and the limited sleep I get is my only reprieve from reliving this same day over and over.)
I’m just so tired. And I’m tired of everything being so hard. And I’m tired of having to go through all this stuff alone. And not having anyone to talk to about it.
I’m tired of trying stuff that doesn’t work. Tired of spending hundreds to thousands of dollars on stuff that doesn’t fix what needs fixing. Tired of doctors not knowing what they’re doing. Tired of their bandaids. Tired of forcing myself to eat all day. Of not being able to sleep all night. I’m tired of my brain not working as well as it did even a year ago. Even six months ago. I’m tired of losing functionality in general. It feels like it’s happening so fast.
Two summers ago, I could be outside. Not anymore. It’s too hot. A year ago I was hiking regularly. A few months ago, I didn’t have to wonder if I’d be able to hike today. Now, it’s a question. I aspirate more. I sleep less. Part of my foot is numb now and I can feel the neuropathy all along my left side. I can’t always breathe. Sometimes for what seems like no reason. I have tachycardia that just started one day and never left. My hr jumps up to 120-155 for reason every day. And apparently drops down to like 55 when I’m awake. (But it’s average is in the 80s when I’m asleep.)
Eating has been hard for a long time but it’s harder now. I get hungry like once, when I first wake up. I never really want food. I don’t remember it. I get hypoglycemic, but can’t tell because my hands don’t shake anymore, I just get tired. But I’m always tired, so I don’t know what to do with that. I can’t eat much real food. My body just won’t accept it. I have to thin out my shakes to trick my body into thinking it’s just a beverage. No need to reject this.
Tired of doing this all alone. Tired of people really not getting it.
I’m just really tired. Really overwhelmed. I could use a hug.
#Dysautonomia #AutonomicNeuropathy #NeedSupport #tired
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