triggerwarning

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What’s the point of being here?
This world just hates anybody who is different. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here… I want my old home. This planet was never my home. I don’t want this home. It just hates anybody who is different. This “home” was meant to put me and others in misery. This “home” was meant to make us feel ignored. I didn’t deserve this shit. There’s absolutely no community in this world that I feel completely safe in anymore, including the LGBTQIA+ community with all of the constant bullshit gatekeeping and invalidation. I’ve given up on any form of social media a year ago (I guess except here) - it’s just always filled with drama.

I don’t want to be born here. Not in this sad place. I hate it here. Why was I born here?!?!

I’m trans nonbinary, I’m black, I’m overweighted, I’m non-romantically polyamorous, I’m nonhuman (aka I hate being called human, not in a pessimist way, just self-identification for personal reasons), I’m on both aromantic and asexual spectrums. I have plenty of triggers thanks to trauma and honestly how stupidly problematic some individuals can be. And I do not want to be on this stupid planet any longer. Sometimes I wonder if being dead would be worth it, honestly, if it would solve my problems. I’m trying to keep going, but I just cannot fucking stand this world. It feels so fucking hopeless at this point: I swear, one more cyber-bullying raid online, one more transphobic political bill, one more misusing autistic as “weird” or “quirky”, one more misuse of the word “triggered”….

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #LGBTQ #Exclusionism #Vent #Trauma #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #hopeless

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I'm LGBTQ+. I'm transmasc non-binary. I'm otherkin (not human). I'm Black. I have autism (please don't call my autism a disorder/disability/syndrome) and anxiety, and someone with trauma. I cry very easily. I am overweight. I am a part of a plural/collective. I am non-romantically polyamorous. And every damn day, I feel like this world called society is just here to for the sole purpose to shit on others, betray others, or just to secretly judge others, including me.

Every day, it is getting much harder and harder to believe that there is a single damn individual out there (other than my current therapist, all of my partners, my dad, and a few friends) who has common sense, is open-hearted, is open-minded, and doesn't like to discriminate or invalidate others for being different or for experiencing different things, or labeling themselves differently. Sometimes, the anxiety gets to the point where it seems like going out is stupid for me. What's the point?

It's like almost every damn community I've been a part of (and left) and witnessed just LOVES to INVALIDATE OTHERS SOMEHOW?! It's so annoying and stupid and it's just like... why can't you just fucking accept someone for who they are??? All of this just makes me so fucking angry and just...!!

...Sigh. Now that that's off my chest... may I ask for advice on how to go about this? I already currently seeing a therapist, luckily. Right now, it is very very hard for me to get off this mindset because I believe it's true, sadly.. this society and all of other individuals' opinions is tearing me apart..

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #helpme #Vent #venting #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #anger #help #Society #Advice #triggerwarning #Neurodiversity #LGBTQIA #plural #otherkin

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #triggerwarning

It’s not about the abuse it’s not about that it’s just …
it’s just
the feeling.
I got so use to that specific feeling.
I don’t feel satisfied or ok with the softness around me. I’m so use to people doling our emotions or expressions with obligations and tactics. I’m use to people telling me what I have to do or how I’m suppose to behave to get that reaction. I’m use to crumbs and crumbs and more crumbs and every time it’s given freely without want or obligation it’s like I can’t stand it. It’s like my brain can’t accept it. And I can’t ///feel. It’s there but it’s like a light switch being turned on and off repeatedly every hour every day every minute. It’s like trying to feel through a mist and I cannot see. I know it’s there but it’s so out of my reach. And I feel the barbs on my skin I feel the teeth I feel the knives and I don’t I can’t …I can’t relax. This gentleness doesn’t feel good against my skin it’s **** burning me. I want more but I am petrified. And I don’t know how to fix it . I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore.

For my mental health sake, I sincerely ask if you could please censor c*v*d-19 (o, i) or the other words, p*nd*mic (a, e), and q**rantine (ua) or leave them out entirely before posting any comments. Thank you, you’re the best!
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Before I say anything, I just want everybody to know that I am not intending to be/sound rude when I say any of this.

Saying that “well, *trigger word* is not going to go away” or “it is what it is” are the least helpful things you can say to someone with triggers, because to me, it feels like you’re saying “welp, you’re screwed for the rest of your life” and for the latter “I simply don’t care”, even if you’re not intending to sound that way.

Yes, I still have these words as my triggers everyday. It still brings me flashbacks whenever I fucking hear any of the words and how much of a sad life I’m still in (and I already have mostly negative views about society) because I unintentionally drag myself into that very sad period of 2020 and beyond.

I’m trying to work this over with my therapist, but I haven’t because there’s a thousand things that happen with me and are on my fucking mind everyday, and if not everyday, then most days (traumatic flashbacks, being overstimulated by youngest nephew constantly, stress dreams, trying to make time for all 7 of my queerplatonic partners (yes, it’s healthy, non-romantic, and consensual) and trying to be perfect around them all the time (I should probably stop doing that), waiting to move out of here already into a more safer and quieter environment, extreme social dysphoria as a non-binary individual, etc. etc.)

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #Trauma #Anxiety #triggers #normalizetriggerwarnings #overstimulated #overwhelmed #triggerwarning #venting #LGBTQIA #MentalHealth

I did what I didn’t want to do. I asked for help. From a few people.
My psych, who is now seeing me every two weeks for now.
My case manager, who is working on finding me a therapist.
My mom, who is now safe guarding my meds.
And my boss, who has been amazing.

The ideations are back. Do I have a plan. No. Do I have access to crisis lines and units, yes. But… just in case.

Mom is holding my meds, I get enough for seven days, and she watches me. (Funny story, not really, but anyway… bottles of pills are apparently my go to when having a full blown anxiety attack. Hence why my mother has my meds.)

Everyone is worried. Concerned. Trying to figure out how to help. I wish they knew that everything they are doing right now is everything to me. #triggerwarning #Depression #Askingforhelp

Hi y’all. So LSS, I’m near-40, have at least 5 parts in the system and just barely had it validated (and so not yet treated, just barely getting started) that I rank high in the DID diagnosis, coming from 12 years of being told it’s “just” “some extreme form of PTSD the DSM doesn’t have a name for yet”, and Borderline. 8 years prior to all THAT, I was initially diagnosed with adjustment disorder (ahhh the easy days!) and rejected inner child work yet accepted then is when I noticed that “me” is not “me” and that I had at least two different demeanors/personalities/parts.

Back to the current - I was raised with zero religion/care to the soul/etc, so after myriad searching across religions, I had an encounter of supernatural healing Jesus’ invite to trade yoke and burden that I confirmed wasn’t fitting the dx for delusions in psych world and DID fit spiritual experiences of fellow Christians, and have come to Jesus as of April 2022.

At this point while not all of my parts necessarily thirst for Jesus or even communicate well at all besides me feeling they’re “there”, none have rejected my suggestion that if it feels okay, I’m gonna pursue my faith in Christ because we all do agree that it’s been some thing other than our fragmented self who’s kept us going and protected and etc, and that that likely ain’t done by ie some “gods and goddesses” or just by “harnessing the universal power” or whatever. And so one way I’ve set to grow my faith deeper is by learning more of how to be in His will, what He says about me, etc etc.

All that said, I feel, faith-walk-wise, like if I started in the spiritual milk Paul(?) talks about, now I’m on the light veg; I believe for myself that God is real, AND actually engaged in our lives vs. far away, AND that from all what’s said in the Word or testimonies from others or looking back in my own “that trauma shoulda killed you/how are you still alive” moments that yes, God DOES do things either to just give blessing or protect people from their mistakes, as He wills.

But!! One thing fed deeply into many of my parts and likely what fragmented me out so much, was a spirit of fear of being killed, and at the same time, so unworthy of love or agency or or or, and then it was reinforced by multiple unrelated others and events as I left home as a kid, and even into my mid thirties, by even the guy I was to marry and a pastor when I first started seeking Christ. So…

I notice that even tho head knowledge I fully embrace that He’s there and can and will do good/healing/justice bringing acts in our lives, if I’m totally honest there are at least some parts of me who are like “yeah but not for me/us”, tied to that spirit of worthlessness. And advice I’ve received from my church people? “Pray in full faith against that, and expect God to start showing up for you not just in danger but because you expect him to even in the easier things - that job/relationship/new car/healing of your dogs cancer or your DID.” and yet, I try that and feel GUILTY, because who am I to “expect” anything from God? I can’t even expect or count on or be heard even if I outwardly demanded from people of the earth much less my Creator who’s already rescued me from so much.

And yet? It’s biblical to be like Jehosephat in 2 Chronicles 20, or Mary when the angel tells her she’ll have a child, or the woman who reaches for the garment as Jesus walks by…

So all that to say…

Especially if I’ve got some parts that are still crushed IN the idea of not being enough, and I can’t truly and just automatically posture my heart when I’m this part of me who’s so hungry for all He’s got (because I know deep down He didn’t bring me thru all I’ve survived only to have His redemption die with me and all that, I mean.) to like snap my fingers and tell God He BETTER heal me, provide abundance of money so I can have a ministry, etc etc…how am I ever to get to the point where, in faith like in Acts, “they went out and laid hands and…” and all of that?

Part of me feels ashamed to even have to ask this question because by asking I’m not JUST trusting God, and yet, I’m so eager to grow in my walk and having no discipler types that even get mental illness and DID parts and how one piece of me can earnestly believe and yet IS damaged by other parts still stuck in unworthiness, I don’t know what to pray or how to grow my faith, but don’t want to also grow stagnant on the path… #Religion #triggerwarning #god #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Christian

I feel like I’ve been stuck in a bad place with my mental health for a while because I just can’t answer one question for myself: “how the fuck am I going to do this?”
My medical debt just keeps rising, I can’t work right now, and if my symptoms of my conditions (mental and physical) don’t improve I will never be able to work. If that becomes the case I will have to go on disability which is a terrible system that so many people with my conditions (and so many people on this app) are locked in which negatively impacts our mental health. How much pain can we all be put through??
I know this is “borrowing trouble from the future”, but I don’t know what things people have found that lessen this burden. My therapist talks a lot about “the life worth living” and I don’t even know where to begin sorting out what that looks like for me now that I am burdened with all these chronic conditions. #triggerwarning
#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain