boyfriend

I heard the sound of dripping a little while ago. I look towards the sound, and water(?) is dripping from the ceiling onto my paper towels and in the bin they're in. I woke my boyfriend, and he pulled the bin away, telling me this has happened before. I asked him why he's never told me! I have OCD, and water (or anything) dripping into my bin is a big problem! He said he's told me, that this is the third time it's happened in two years, but I'm positive he's never told me. He's lied about many things before, even things I had proof of. He said he complained to management before (we're in a motel, for those who don't know) and they said it's condensation from the pipes, and it's no big deal. Well, it is to me! My boyfriend knows I wouldn't want my things to be dripped on, so why did he put them there? I'm so angry right now.

I got out early today because I can't stand being around my boyfriend and I feel awful in the motel room. I'm tired because I haven't had much sleep. When he goes out, he tells me about his friends buying him beers, even though he knows I'm always alone and wish I had friends. I feel like screaming sometimes, because it's neverending. I'm constantly alone, except when I'm with him. And I don't want to lie on that bed I've peed on so many times. I keep trying to look for resources, but I get anxious because of forms, places I can't live, organizations I can't accept help from, people who don't understand, etc. I need to get out of this situation and into a better, happier one with a house, my cats, and my stuff! I'm going crazy!

I'm going to briefly ask about two things I don't understand about my boyfriend. Am I being unreasonable?

1. My boyfriend let me get dinner at Cracker Barrel yesterday. However, after I got back much later, he hadn't gotten me any snacks. I feel weak if I don't have a little something extra later.

2. I'm in menopause. My boyfriend has almost always put his comfort above mine. What I find odd in regards to me being hot while he complains of being chilly (it used to be the other way around most of the time) is, when *I* complain about being cold or hating cold weather, he says all you have to do is put on more layers. I hate putting on more. It restricts my movement and it's uncomfortable. So, why, when he's chilly, doesn't he put more layers on and letting me be more comfortable?

This is supposed to be a day for me to enjoy, but like so many, it's not going well. I've been asking my boyfriend for an Amazon e-gift card so I can get two or three coloring books, and he says maybe in a few days (it's been several days), and I just wish he'd either say yes and send me the e-gift card now or say no, so I'm not left hoping and wondering. He's getting free beers from his friends, coming back tipsy, telling me how nice his friends are (knowing how I don't have any and I'm alone, even sitting in a crowd). He did give me money to eat at Cracker Barrel today, because I pushed him because I just don't get enough nutrition. No, CB isn't health food, but I get vegetables and better meals than I do at Starbucks. I get here, wait awhile because I came out early (I never come out as early as I did today, but it was sunny [emphasis, *was*], I was mad, and I just had to get out), use dental picks to try to get plaque off my teeth and OUT of the cavities where I've had root canals and other work that's since fallen apart, plus poking an area where I believe I have an infection, blood coming out of my teeth and gums, open the car door to spit, go find a parking place (got lucky there and had no trouble), find out there's a 25-minute wait (I used the time to walk, but I always worry ill end up in the bathroom again), finally get called, and the lady who takes me back asked me why I was there. I told her I'd slept all day yesterday (not to mention the day before), and she told me I picked a bad day to come. I know Sundays are bad, and there's a screaming kid at the next table plus a loud, large crowd, but I'm not surprised. I know it would die down if I'd waited about an hour or so, but I was hungry. I know the lady most likely meant I shouldn't have come because of the crowd, but I feel like I made things harder on her and all the workers by coming. My boyfriend still hasn't gotten me an adapter to try to see if I can charge my phone in my car with (the C slots are not charging anymore, and I think they've just been used too much, as I read somewhere that can happen if you don't use the specific brand's chargers, but my boyfriend said the cheap ones will be fine).

So, this is how my day's going so far, and I have other things to do.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for two years. We have been long distance the whole time as I complete a masters degree in another state. He has been very supportive of this distance and giving me this space which I acknowledge and am beyond grateful for. However, at 23 I was finally validated and diagnosed with general depression and anxiety. I eventually started medication to help with severe suicidal thoughts I had for months. I feel better now because of the meds and am trying to find myself again. I saw another post and resonated with the statement of longing to be myself “before” mental illness, however, I know it has always been a process and I accept this part of myself. I give grace and love to the child who grew up in an abusive, chaotic home and am now deeply committed to healing.

However.. my anxiety and depression expresses itself as me being very quiet at times, low energy, slow to think, irritability, numbness, and apathy. I don’t like that I feel this way but am working to understand these feelings and myself. My boyfriend is a high energy, extroverted person who loves fun and play and loves when I engage with him in the same energy. However at this time I simply cannot be this. I’m in pain, I’m numb, I’m tired, and I’m tired of pretending to be happy when I’m not. So I don’t. But when I act “myself”, my true depressed self with no mask, this seems to upset him because he wants me to have fun with him, enjoy the things he’s doing and be an upbeat joyful person when we hang out with his friends. He makes comments and gives me looks that I interpret as him being upset and irritated with me. I know it’s challenging to have a depressed girlfriend and he has been generally patient for a long time being with me but it hurts to be treated this way by the man I love. It seems like his patience may be running out. I haven’t brought up how this makes me feel hurt but I am mustering up the courage to do so soon. Hence, this post.

Any experiences like this or suggestions on navigating this situation? He is usually open minded about this stuff and knows about my depression and previous suicidal thoughts and cares but just doesn’t seem to know the extent of my pain and how his behavior affects me.