So I just made a stupid mistake at work, I forgot to mute zoom and took a phone call. Everyone could obvs hear my conversation and I received to direct messages telling me to mute myself 🫣. It now feels like my anxiety is spiralling even though I know it was a mistake. #Anxiety #mistake
•It’s okay to make a mistake.
Learn from it.
And try again.•
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“Sammy’s Self-love Journey”
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•Day 24:
“Mistake”
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•Today, Sammy makes a mistake and uses too much paint in one spot. It’s easy to get upset or angry and wanna give up but you have to keep trying. Sammy really wants to just throw the easel and canvas across the room. But that won’t fix the mistake, will it...
•What would you do in this situation? Start over on a brand new canvas? Cover it? Turn it into something else? Would you throw out the painting completely? For me, in this specific situation, I’ve learned over the years to just make it work somehow. I’ve accidentally left huge black spots on faces but ended up turning it into something else. I rarely throw any art away. I like this way of thinking because it applies to life as well. No matter what life throws at me, I always try to make it work. I don’t cover up the toxic, bad stuff. I don’t pretend it didn’t happen by trying to rid of it in some way. I work through it.
I've recently decided to try for a romantic relationship. With my mental illnesses it makes it extremely difficult. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I am relatively new to the diagnoses. In the last year a lot has happened. I am out of a five year relationship, I was beaten and raped, I've decided to become alcohol free I'm almost 11 months sober, and I have moved in with my mother. Her and I's relationship has never been good, but this time it's different. She's trying to be more understanding now that there's a label for my problem. My father has never been around and when he was he was drunk, abusive, and grab happy. He liked to remind me that I was never wanted and that I was a mistake from the day he found out my mother was pregnant with me. After I was born I died twice and somehow made it back, that seemed to only make matters worse.
My dad recently came in and out of my life once again. He tries to act like a father to me when he gets bored or lonely and preys on the fact that I long for a father that loves me and cares. I tried to let him in, but it's the same old song and dance. He leaves death threats and reminds me that he's the only dad I'll have. If my own father wants me dead and treats me like garbage how can another man love me. I feel incapable of being loved, of having someone pay attention to me, of being something to someone else. My previous relationship was with a narcissistic sociopath and he made me feel emotionally exhausting. I was either too much or not enough there was no happy medium.
I met someone who is also sober and bettering his life. He asks about my day and my feelings. He wants to know if anything is wrong or how he could help. He loves me and tells me that I am beautiful. I love hearing it, but it terrifies me at the same time. No one has stuck around especially not anyone of the male species. They say they will never leave and they love me and the second I stop bending to their will I am trash. They remind me I'm a mistake and unwanted. I'm only good as long as I am taking orders and not asking questions. I want to trust him and believe him, but I don't feel I am worthy of being loved. He talks about his problems, his dreams, and his emotions. I'm falling so hard, but I have this wall up and I don't want to hurt him. I love him and he makes me happy, but I think he deserves someone better than me.
I don't want to be a mistake. I don't want to be emotionally exhausting. I don't want to be incapable of love. I want to be enough for someone forever. I seem to always fall short or push them away. I don't know if I should continue the relationship or disappear and save him from the mistake which is me...
I have been at this job for about a year. It is a VERY stressful job (special needs kids) and I don't really have support from the school board. I'm overwhelmed and burned out and my anxiety and depression just gets worse.
So I went to my boss and told him I'm resigning and leaving at the end of term.
Now I'm in pieces because I don't know what to do after that and I have no savings and no one who can help me financially. #Anxiety #money #baddecisions #help #mistake
I don’t know why I give up to easily I start to think that my life is a mistake #mistake
First, I am going to use this site as a diary, I believe. So please, by no means should anyone feel forced to read my crap. I am scared to post, but there we are; my disclaimer. You've been warned! :)
Tonight I #Write trying to get back in touch with #whoiam after an extremely #Manipulative #Controlling degrading #AbusiveRelationship . More than 1 person warns me this could be dangerous I am battling both the fear that it will be dangerous but as twisted as it seems I think I may actually be more selfishly afraid that I'll be #Forgotten #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#FearOfAbandonment
I have been losing people all of my life and not one person has stayed even if they came back everyone has had to take a break. A few years ago I went to 7 different psychiatrists and specialists looking for help and LITERALLY everyone of them told me the same answer more or less but their is one answer to my #seekinghelp that will forever be embedded in my mind, word for word.
"You are too #Traumatized to help , " he said. That cut me so deep I still feel scared today that he was right. But I'm here. Trying to prove wrong this theory quiet a few doctors seem to think of when it comes to me.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 6 years old so most of my life none of them gave me hope just #pills that didn't do anything for it wasn't a chemical imbalance instead it was just about everything else out of balance and wrong in life causing my behaviors. But everyone was too busy #fighting or whatever else the case may be to ever realize just how badly all the #Rejection #abandonment #SexualAssault
#violence"> #FosterCare #Adoption SUCKS ...
At 4 I was #Cutting something I do not support in others but also do not judge in others for your life matters far more than mine I assure you... No one noticed. I've been #invisible since I can recall.
And while the #Relationshipproblems I had recently are going away as I attempt to hide from him and ignore how it hurts I still feel that stupid #Child within me terrified I am gonna vanish because no one will ever love me again and 'bad' love surely is better than no #Love - this is #panic talking, I think...
Oh I don't know.
recently moved into a new house with my #grandma for #Caregiving and at first because I wanted to. But she has grown ... very different over the past year all her other children abandon her and while she just recently said she thinks she made a #mistake in letting me stay around instead of having to be further shoved from person to person, institution to institution, despite her doubt in that, I do love her and am glad she did even if life has been one massive hell hole with nothing but shadows filled with violence, anger, terror, horrible things done to a child, rather I say, the innocence stolen, full of every day questions about the next rejection or abandonment or if worry; worry that if I fell asleep she would be dead in the morning because I hadn't been able to save her.
I’ve been so sad this whole year, I have no words to really explain it. The only time I felt semi decent and like my normal self was my vacation back to my birth state. I feel alone. Unwanted. Hated. And like I’m nobody. Idk why I’m here sometimes. #Depression #sad #alone #mistake
The smallest thing
trips me up
messes me up
and then I think it’s the end.
It’s all over.
How can I live with the mistakes,
the offence caused,
the fact that someone’s legitimately annoyed and hurt
by something that I did?
How do I move on?
Let it go?
I’ve apologised,
now it’s up to them.
© Mark Bryant - 14th April 2019
#MentalHealth
#Depression
#Anxiety
#overcome
#mistake
#LetItGo
My medication causes me to sleep a lot ! I mean a whole lot to the point where I miss calls and or fuck up obligations because of it. People that I love get upset with me for being unresponsible or neglectful but I am honestly managing my depression and multiple Scrosis symptoms as much as I can. Sometimes I jus feel like I'm not doing enough and I am just in the way or keep messing things up . Can anyone relate ?
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