startingover

Hey everyone,

Sorry it’s been a while. Class and work have been kicking my butt here lately. But now I’m sort of in a dilemma. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve taken my meds (due to a few factors out of my control) so now I have to restart from the lowest dose. Super frustrating! Trying to keep my emotions and mental health in check without meds is challenging for me, as I’m sure it is with everyone else. But I’ve got them now and we’re back in business!

How do you handle being without your meds? Do you see any changes in yourself? #meds #startingover

When you have survived a toxic relationship you come out of it feeling many different ways. In #Abuse , we form a very unhealthy bond to the abuser. They make you feel like you cannot survive without them. But you CAN!

When I think back to the beginning of my relationship 16 years ago I fully understand what kept me there. I compare that bond to invisible "strings" that appear, a few are healthy at the beginning and then the strings that form after that are unhealthy. They are boundaries that are pushed that you tried to set in place. Add a string for every lie, every disappointment. Every name calling event or gas lighting. These strings attach us to the abuser as a day to day reminder that this is what we " deserve". Huge LIE. Narcissists love to use and abuse. It feels like the life is being sucked out of you! Then add children and other aspects in the relationship ... It makes you feel like you are child too!! Add another string.

As your relationship continues, there are so many strings that they knock you "off balance" all the time. Every time you try to cut a string, a new one appears. You are so unhealthy in this attachment that you feel like gravity is pushing you down... But it's the strings. And like a puppeteer your Narcissist will pull a string, or adjust a string just enough to hurt emotionally. How do you get out of such a complex relationship?

Emotional Detachment plays a huge role in this. Yes these strings are hard to even manage but this is where being vulnerable comes in. Reach out for help when you feel like it will never even. Every time you take a step away from the abuser you cut a string! You are formulating your plan to leave? Cut a string! You get serious about it. There are many many services to navigate and the closer you get to being "done" the strings start freeing you!!! The weight lessens. And then...

You are free! And the last of those strings are blocking them, tellimg them to get a lawyer for custody and access and division of property. When you are absolutely DONE and won't look back. The unhealthy strings are GONE. And your abuser will perform and act like a child. But you will have support and people to keep you moving forward! The difference? There are no strings attached. 💕 #nostringsattached #EmotionalAbuse #DomesticViolence #Financialabuse #physicalabuse #startingover

Hello,

It’s been 8 years since I’ve seen my mom. Over these years I’ve tried to go no contact and would make it for a few months or a year at a time and then something would make me want to reach out again. It’s been a year since we’ve spoke and this time feels different, like I can finally not look back and keep moving forward but the grief is so painful. I feel alone. Along with my mom, I’ve never met my dad, I don’t talk to my stepdad at all because he sexually and emotionally abused me when I was growing up. My grandparents are senile and abusive as well. They would constantly yell at me for things my mom did and confused me with her a lot because our voices sound the same. I haven’t seen or talked to them for maybe 5-6 years.

What I’m realizing is it’s lonely when you can’t rely on your family for support. I have a great husband but I can’t rely on him for everything. I have great friends but we’ve all moved to different locations and I can’t meet up with them easily. I’m having trouble meeting people who understand cptsd and childhood abuse. I’ve gone on apps to try and meet people in my area. I’ve been going to therapy for 8-9 years (trying different types and methods). I have chronic illnesses and I’m just wondering how do we start over? How do we build a new support system when it feels everyone is too busy or dealing with their own stuff?

Can anyone share what helped them? And does the grief ever get better? It may sound dramatic but I feel like my entire family is dead although they are physically still around. Does the feeling of wanting to fix things and make amends ever go away fully? #CPTSD #Grief #startingover #Support

So I'm on to therapist #5 since last September. The one I've been seeing for the past five weeks was really disorganized and prioritized her methods over my personal needs, so I decided to move on. It's really exhausting to try to find a therapist!!
So I filled out the intake form this morning and, probably predictably, started feeling anxious and triggered as I wrote out the basics of my issues again. Now thinking about the session tomorrow, I'm not feeling great either - hard to concentrate, mildly dizzy, stiff neck, hard to get breath, etc. I'm not consciously nervous about it (partly because I'm not expecting much at this point), but I think it's just the expectation of being asked to talk about my trauma to another stranger again.
I really hope this one sticks...

#Therapy #Newtherapist #Again #startingover #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #Upallnight #CheckInWithMe

Since escaping from my abuser, my life is now my own.

Let me tell you about the freedom.

Maybe it will encourage you. Maybe it will inspire you escape from your own abuser.

FOOD

I eat whatever I want now.

I eat all kinds of interesting and delicious things. No longer do I need to worry about what my "partner" thinks. What another person wants. The things they like, but I don’t. The things I like, but they don’t. My cupboard and refrigerator is now filled with things he would never recognize. Delicious things! Things I don’t need anyone else’s approval, to eat and enjoy.

No one looks down on me for what I eat. If I want to get junk, I eat junk. When I want to eat roasted vegetables, I eat roasted vegetables. There is no one here to judge me for it, or use it as a reason to feel superior to me. I find that my body tells me when it’s had enough.

Also, I can afford to eat whatever I want, because I’m not feeding anyone else but myself anymore. My abuser was a master exploiter, so I was always paying for his food in addition to my own. What are you supposed to do, eat in front of them when they can’t/won’t pay for food? Of course not, you’re going to share your food and feed them. Unless you’re an ogre.

Now I can eat out at moderately priced restaurants occasionally, because I’m not paying for another person. Very enjoyable. That’s big.

There’s more descriptions of my Freedom coming up!

Stay tuned for my next post where I’ll elaborate!

❤️ Love,
Lynn Felicia

#CPTSD #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Narcissiticabuse #freedom #startingover #liberation #Recovery #empathic

I had to resign from my job back in June due to major depression/insomnia and being unable to function. After some med adjustments I am slowly starting to feel a bit better. I am terrified of finding a new job, or even putting myself back out there. Feeling pretty purposeless and rudderless at the moment and wondering if anyone had any words of guidance for someone feeling like starting over is a monumental undertaking or even where to begin. I feel like I've been such a shut-in for so long. Please help! #Anxiety #startingover #Jobhunting #scared #anxious #wheretobegin

I have to say goodbye to my therapist that I formed a special bond with. I hate goodbyes. I have only known her a few months. But, the pain of losing her is very real. I don't really have a lot of emotional support at home and every time I talked to my therapist it always felt like a warm hug. Maybe I'm over exaggerating or maybe I shouldn't feel this way. But, I'm going to miss her terribly. Have any of y'all experienced this? If so, what did you do to cope? Thanks. #IMissYou #SayingGoodbye #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth #startingover

I have been through a lot lately and I am trying to figure out who I want to be and what I want in life. After 12 years in a relationship, I realized that I wasn't really sure who I was without that relationship. So I feel like I'm starting over right now and having to figure out a lot of things alone. #Depression #Identity #goals #startingover