SuicidalThoughtsAndTendencies

#ChronicPain #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #SuicidalThoughtsAndTendencies

Been going through a lot during the past three weeks. My dad passed away suddenly on 10/21. The first few days were a blurry haze. We barely had his viewing/Celebration of Life on Sunday 11/3.

I know how I am, especial with the borderline stuff. Normally, when SHTF, I start to withdraw, hide, keep to myself, ignore everyone. In the past, I would engage in what my therapist (at the time) would call risky behaviors - the execessive spending on things to make myself feel better, the random no strings attached sex, etc. I would do my downward spiral, start having my suicidal thoughts, make my mental list to start giving away my belongings, and especially just rage at everyone and everything.

Last night was my rock bottom. I was supposed to go to dinner with a friend, but something he said triggered me so bad that I was became this unbalanced person. I was yelling and saying things to hurt him but he wasn’t backing down. I told him I wasn’t going to dinner and that I would be making my own way back home. I started to open the car door to jump out because I don’t like people telling me what to do.

Something in my head clicked. I mentally fast forwarded in my head and caught myself so that I didn’t jump out the car. My thought process was ok if you jump, you’ll most likely end up ona 72 hr hold. and with your history of attempts and hospitalizations, maybe this time you won’t be able to get back out.

I apologized for my actions. We enjoyed dinner and that was that.

My cousin took me aside to let me know that once she left to go back home today, it was going to be hard. Sure enough, once we dropped her off at the airport a new wall of tears started and once I got home I was so overwhelmed.

I put my phone on do not disturb. I need sleep, uninterrupted, pain free, sadness free, dreamless, night terror free sleep. I’m plugging in the heating pad, turning down the lights, missing my dad, and going to cry myself to sleep. I figure I can give myself at least one day to mourn right?

Hi. I need help with something. I’ve got this friend who is like a mum tbh. She knows about everything ( suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety). I love talking to her. She’s really sweet and kind. She said she’s always here for me. I need to talk to her ASAP because I need help. I’m feeling really suicidal today. But I’m scared. I don’t want to be a burden. What should I do? #Suicide #Depression #Anxiety #DepressionAndMentalHealth #SuicidalThoughtsAndTendencies

I know so many people who are loving and helpful and they always remind me that I can tell them when I’m not feeling good about myself or i can talk to them about anything and I really really want to, but I also feel like no one would want to deal with me when I’m sad all the time.

I don’t know what to do, I think of dying all the time but I’m scared to die. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it’s almost as if there’s two people inside of me constantly fighting over trying to fix myself and the other one is wanting to destroy me. #help #SuicidalThoughtsAndTendencies

I’m here because I have been struggling for as long as I can remember. Recently, my struggles became very public (specifically with my family) and although I know their intentions are pure and of good measure, the execution of their support is suffocating and more detrimental to my health. I have been a long time advocate of people who suffer with mental health and constantly post articles on the subject, trying to raise awareness. Now every time I post, I receive texts from my worried parents saying that they’re “nervous” and want to know if I’m thinking of hurting myself. So, I deleted social media but still need an outlet to express myself and still advocate. Which brings me here.... hope it helps! #SuicideOnTheBrain #SuicidalThoughtsAndTendencies #MentalHealthAdvocacy #MentalHealth #SuicideSurvivors

I’m not feeling so well tonight, I had a “friend” that I was supposed to talk to, and he again ditched me. If we ever do talk, he’s very hostile and mean to me, but he’s the only friend I have, I have no other friends. He knows I don’t have many people in my life and he uses that to his advantage. I find it so cruel to have someone mess with my mentality, as I’ve been having very dark thoughts and I’m running out of options and I’m completely of any hope. I’m constantly either crying or have a headache, and my family isn’t the most supportive. My father has not really been there for me, my mother works 5 nights a week, and my older brother is also mean to me and drinks and all this makes me so miserable and I feel I’ll never improve. #Depression #SuicidalThoughtsAndTendencies #Notsurewheretogonext

Sometimes i wonder what it must be like to have the brain of someone who doesn't suffer from hormone imbalances like many of us do . What is it like to be normal??, to go a day without believing death is much better than being alive , to not feel like the clouds are over your head all the time . #SuicidalThoughtsAndTendencies