Thoughts

What gives you direction in life?

If I’m being honest, I don’t fully know what gives me direction in life.

I’ve spent a long time thinking I was supposed to have a clear answer to that—some defined purpose, a plan, a path that made sense. Something I could point to and say, this is where I’m going. But my life has never really felt that way.

I used to think that direction meant purpose. But the more I think about it, the more I question that idea.

Do we actually need to label what makes someone meaningful?

Is there really one purpose meant for each of us?

I don’t know why the word purpose feels so heavy to me. Maybe it’s the pressure of it. The idea that you’re supposed to find one thing that defines your life. That if you don’t have it, you’re somehow behind or missing something.

I understand the comfort in believing we all have something to hold onto—some greater reason, some guiding force.

But what does that actually mean?

There were times when my only direction was just getting through the day. Managing my thoughts. Navigating emotions that felt too heavy. Trying to understand myself in a world that didn’t always make sense. And for a while, functionality was the only thing guiding me forward.

I never considered that survival was a direction, but it is. For me, it’s choosing, again and again, to keep going, even when you don’t know where “going” leads.

Even now, I don’t feel like I’m being pulled by one clear purpose. It’s more like little moments that nudge me instead of pushing me.

Writing, for example, is something I always go back to, even when I doubt myself. There’s something about putting words to feelings that feels therapeutic, like I’m finding pieces of myself that I didn’t even know existed.

The same goes for other quiet parts of my life—cooking something comforting, creating something meaningful, reflecting on things most people overlook. I know that it doesn’t sound like direction in the traditional sense, but it feels like something to me.

It’s like a thread that I keep following, even if I don’t know where it leads. That’s what direction looks like for me right now. There’s no straight path. No clear destination. Just a series of small changes. A growing awareness of what feels heavy and what feels lighter. Learning to move forward toward the things that feel more like me and away from the things that don’t.

Personally, I always searched for direction in something obvious and undeniable. But I don’t think that direction works like that. I think it’s something that you don’t find all at once. It’s something that you build slowly—through the choices you make, the things you go back to, and the feelings you start to trust. And maybe not knowing is part of it too.

Because when you don’t have a clear path, you start paying attention in a different way. You notice what lingers, what repeats, and what stays with you longer than it should. You begin to understand yourself in fragments instead of answers.

And over time, those fragments start to form something that feels like direction. I don’t think I’m lost. I think I’m just learning how to listen.

If there’s anything that quietly carries me forward, it’s hope. Not as an answer, but as something I return to when everything else feels uncertain.

I’m learning that I don’t need everything figured out right now. I just need to keep paying attention to what feels real to me, even in small ways, as I go.

I don’t want to put pressure behind my “purpose” in life, or pressure to work toward one ultimate goal—to be like everyone else. Personally, I trust that the direction I’m going in is right for me.

“Not all those who wander are lost.” — J.R.R. Tolkien

#MentalHealth #Thoughts #Reflections #Writing #Neurodiversity #

#Thoughts Thoughts

On a bright day, hand in hand with my possible savior, or the very start of my demise.

I see structures and symbols coming from the ground, majestic and beautiful, the sun shining through in all its might, but the further we go, the more peaceful and serene it seems.

Water flowing through a creek, gardens blossoming everywhere the eye can see.

My guests have no face, no body, merely presence as they lead me through, teaching me things, learning as I investigate my surroundings.

Deeper down I realize there’s a cemetery, no gravestones but there are people buried among the beauty of nature.

It’s when I hear the words whisper of a murder, my head pointed towards a direction of bushes that were red in color, growing over the identifying marks of the naked body, posed in such a form her modesty is barely maintained, the garden cradling her.

“She was murdered here, left alone amongst the land.”

Her skin cold, pale gray, almost the color of stone. It’s as if a hand reaches out to bring me closer to see, to investigate but I pull back and leave, disappearing into my next dream.

When I wake I research and write, ask the questions I feel I know the answers to already.

The dove and the serpent, crossing paths, waiting to see what I would choose.

What if that woman was me?

What if I peeled back the brush, the flowers and vines only to reveal my face, that child that was left behind, the woman that never got a chance to be.

What if it’s a trap?

What if I’m there to take her place?

To be killed and stuck in a vulnerable position, unable to speak any longer, unable to fight, unable to ponder.

I am left with a choice now that I am awake, now that I can think about it.

I can choose the path of the woman, lie on the ground and let the garden grow over me or be gentle as the dove, the lamb, putting my story and my faith out there.

‘Those who have ears let them hear.’

She will be silent no longer.

A warrior formed at the youngest of ages, realizing that her potentials been buried beneath that garden all along.

I have the faith, his strength, the heart of a lion but I walk amongst you a lamb, learning HIS ways.

Riding the camel back to ‘Egypt’ with my life before playing in front of me.

I will not bury this talent, I will not hide this mite. The story I have inside of me matters and it will be heard- I will make it on God’s good word.

#dreamstory #symbolism #fakeeden #Garden #womaninred #doveorserpent #holdtheswordproudly #hide #warrior #cancersurvivorstories #ADHD #CPTSD #scared #healingthroughwriting #cancersurvivorstories #Thoughts #personal

I have noticed, i change perspective and or states of mind in short periods of time. I can go from feeling paranoid and like everyone is against me, caggy and aggressive to having a superior complex, seeing others as npcs and not worth anything unless they are useful to me or there is aspects inside them I admire and want for myself. I am curious if it is related to me going from feeling helpless and less than in a sense so then I switch and get all high and mighty. Also I jump from thought to thought. After feeling better than others I then switched to wanting to understand others deeply and why they do what they do. I wonder if it is to help myself understand me or maybe I desire to feel connected to others? Or is this all some ego centric avenue?

Anyone just randomly get bored or depressed even if it was a decently good day? #random #Depression #moods #feelings #Thoughts #MentalHealth